As a Taurus, you’re probably keenly aware of the paleolithic cave paintings in Lascaux. I would expect you’ve spent a lot of time contemplating the 17,000 year old images of ancient bulls depicted on those stone walls. And I’m sure you’ve wondered if the pre-proto-European artists who covered that subterranean chamber in the faces and forms of the animals they hunted to survive ever thought about you. Or maybe you’re just finding out about all this. Maybe you’re only now realizing that humans have been turning anxiety into art for millennia. In any case, Taurus, this is a good day to paint your fears and hopes to life. Spend a little time in the cave today.
GEMINI
This morning I was driving home from my night-shift and there were already people lining up outside the hardware store. Any idea what’s going on over there today? Oh! I bet they’re releasing that new Bizz-Kull double sided indoor-chainsaw. People go crazy for Bizz-Kull products with all their bright colors and clever attachments. You can use this one to slice through branches or open plastic packs of AA batteries! So versatile! Anyway, Gemini, if you’re gonna get your current project done, I think you might need a more specific tool. It might be worth some investment to get it right. Get the pink one if they’ve still got it!
CANCER
I thought I should learn to identify the songs of the various birds in my yard but they all keep tweeting over each other so it’s hard to distinguish one from the other. I’ve been sitting out here for 20 minutes and so far I think I’ve got: crow, cardinal, the grey one, and the little bouncy one with the spiky hair. The rest are a blur. Maybe I should look up the names of these birds first? Is there an app for this? Are we all increasingly a culture of people with no mentors? No friends? No ancestors? No one to tell us which bird says “too-too-wheet” and which “coor-ROO?” I’m not here to judge, Cancer. but maybe before we ask a chat-bot for advice or information, we could run it by a next door neighbor first.
LEO
Ever since they remodeled the grocery store by my house I get a real uneasy feeling when I walk down the chip aisle. Like maybe the Doritos don’t want me around. Has anybody else noticed this? Do grocery store aisles ever get haunted? Can salsa have bad intentions? Or is it just my memory of the time I was there and I ran into my old roommate? I guess we never really worked anything out at the end, we just kind of moved out and stopped talking. I guess that’s a more likely cause of my unease than vengeful tortilla strips. Thanks for helping me explore this, Leo. Are there any aisles you’re avoiding that might need a little attention?
VIRGO
My earliest memories are probably mostly constructed from stories I’ve told myself since childhood. Do I remember being chased by an angry goose while I wore my blue sweater or was that just a photograph in the kitchen? Do I remember waiting for my dad to come home, scoop me up, and lift me over his head while I cheered or did I just hear about that often enough to make a movie in my head? It’s hard to say what’s going on in these brains, Virgo, but it’s good to realize that the stories you tell yourself about yourself aren’t as solid as we pretend. If any of those stories are stopping you from doing the next thing you need to do, maybe you can just stop telling them for a while.
LIBRA
Well, this is surprising news. The Zodiac has recently ruled that Libra is being redistricted into Scorpio and parts of Capricorn. You’ll still receive a horoscope, of course, but it will no longer be based on what The Stars indicate for you in particular. As an amateur astrologer, I never get a vote on these kinds of big decisions–but I don’t think this will stand the test of time. Surely we can get this changed. Until then, Scorpio, I mean, uh, Libra, I hope you’ll keep speaking up for yourself. And, in case you get tired of having to defend yourself all the time, I’ll be speaking up too.
SCORPIO
This afternoon has been a real rollercoaster. I ordered a large dipped-cone with that chocolate that gets all crunchy when it gets cold. Perfect! But after one bite the ice cream was melting all down the sides of the cone and getting all over my fingers and astrologer’s-robe sleeves. Miserable! But I’m pretty resourceful, so I asked for a cup and a spoon. Brilliant! But as I turned the cone over into the cup, the base cracked and got all over my thumb and I flinched and dropped most of the ice cream onto the table. Wretched! It’s important, Scorpio, to be able to identify your responses to circumstances and understand that they are just emotional reactions and not reality. Think about that while I wait for the brownie sundae. Much safer!
SAGITTARIUS
I think I’ll just have a salad, Sagittarius. No, wait, the Improbable Burger with extra soy cheese. I’m sorry. Could I still change to the Chickn’t Strips? Wait, hang on, I really am just gonna get the salad. Waiters always think I’m indecisive, Sagittarius, but really I’m just trying on new realities. Saying things out loud to see how they feel. Stepping through doorways into alternate futures and then stepping back to the present before making my final decision. Don’t let anybody tell you not to change your mind, Sagittarius. You’ll know what you want when you get there. Can I actually just switch to the bottomless chilli and bread sticks? That should work.
CAPRICORN
When you finally write your book, Capricorn, I hope it’s a novel. I hope you take all these experiences you’ve had and use them as the setting for characters who can work out problems you’ve had to work out. I hope it’s got something in it that feels like that one summer you got it all together. And I hope you won’t be afraid to include the things you still haven’t figured out yet. And I hope it has robots. And maybe a parallel-story in an alternate past with a talking reindeer. That’s just the kind of novels I’m into, though. Write what you know, Capricorn. But in any case tell your stories. And tell them true.
AQUARIUS
In the late Cretaceous period, maybe 90 million years ago, there were 60-foot long octopus-like molluscs who were apex predators of the sea. They probably spent their days crushing and eating giant aquatic dinosaurs with their enormous arms and terrifying beaks . And, since we all know octopuses are very smart, we can only assume that colossal octopuses would be even smarter. So they probably spent their spare time writing poetry and doing long-division at the bottom of the sea. If you find yourself down in the dark places, Aquarius, feeling lower than you’ve ever been and unsure how you’ll find a way back up, keep an eye out for the poetry of the ancient-deep. And if you send us a text, maybe we can come down there and hang out for an afternoon. We can make it back to the surface if we go together.
PISCES
I got one of those apps where you can bet on anything! It’s great! First I lost $10 betting that there would be a snow storm in the spring (I would have made a killing!). Then I lost $50 betting that Bruce Springsteen’s middle name was Athanassius (probably should have Googled that first). If I lose this next one, I think I’m gonna delete the app. Maybe you could help me out, Pisces. Do you think humanity is inherently good but acts selfishly out of fear? Or do you think we’re inherently evil but act charitably out of self-preservation? Or, are good and evil artificial descriptors invented ephemeral apes to justify subjugating equals? Think it over if you need to. I’ve got $150 riding on this one.
ARIES
I was weeding my garden this morning, Aries, and my little hand-spade hit something hard down in the ground. It felt kind of hollow, so I could tell it wasn’t a rock. I dug around a little with my fingers and, sure enough, I pulled out an old Matchbox firetruck. Some kid must have been playing out here decades ago and forgot to bring it inside. I like thinking of them pretending a little Matchbox emergency and then here comes the tiny firetruck, tiny siren blaring. And it felt so real and exciting and now it’s just a story that I’m making up. It’s strange how the urgent can age into the anecdotal. When was the last time things felt this dire, Aries? What happened next?
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained waitstaff member, or a certified chainsaw operator. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
