As legend has it, Tom Carvel was having a breakdown. More specifically, on a hot day in 1934, his ice cream truck got a flat tire which left him stranded in a parking lot on the way to his big tourist-season beach-day. He couldn’t think of anything to do but try to sell his ice cream before it melted. He sold a few to passers-by. The sun beat down and the product got meltier, creamier, more velvety. Within hours, word of mouth was sending him an influx of tourists who were excited to try his new invention. “Soft Serve” was born. Your “breakdown” might be the key to something new, Cancer. Stay with us. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.
LEO
It was absolutely gorgeous outside this morning, Leo! I drove the long way to work to watch the trees dancing in the sun. My hand outstretched, surfing in the breeze, shout-singing along with 40-year-old songs on the radio. Not even caring what the drivers beside me at the stoplight thought of my broken tenor. I let that feeling carry me all the way through my shift, Leo. Even when that big afternoon storm blew in, I just watched the rain pour down and thought about what an amazing world we live in. Then I clocked-out, walked back to my car in the dark. And realized I’d left my windows down all day. Now I’m sitting on a stack of paper towels from the men’s room. Feet sloshing in a half-inch of water I couldn’t scoop out the door. Hoping the stereo will work again once the buttons dry out. And thinking about what an amazing world we live in. Circumstances change, Leo. Tend your responses.
VIRGO
According to Meat Loaf, the composer and lyricist Jim Steinman wrote “Total Eclipse of the Heart” to be a centerpiece of Meat Loaf’s third solo album, “Midnight at the Lost and Found.” Steinman, however, says that the song was always intended for showcasing the vocal range, emotional breadth and heartwrenching drama that only Bonnie Tyler could bring. But Meat Loaf says she stole his song. And Meat Loaf is an honorable man. In any case, Virgo, things happened the way they did. Bonnie Tyler released the song. It was an enormous hit and a cultural joy-grenade. And the world received something it needed. If you find yourself grasping for what might have been, Virgo, turn around. Ask instead what you can be a conduit for today.
LIBRA
We used to watch that soap opera every day at lunch, Libra. You knew all the characters and the stories. I just thought the hammy acting and flat dialogue were something to laugh at while I dragged waffle-fries through too much ketchup. But I still run into it every once in a while. The plotlines are just as ridiculous. Some of the actors are still the same. And I’m amazed to realize that I care a little bit who cheated; who’s back from the dead; who never gave up hope. And I think that means I’ve grown up some. I don’t have to dismiss the story as silly or over-dramatic. I just let myself feel the pain and joy with other people. And I hope you still do that too.
SCORPIO
Did I tell you I accidentally left my car windows down during that big storm yesterday, Scorpio? I thought maybe it would dry out overnight, but it was still soaked when I went out this morning. I borrowed my neighbor’s wet-vac and filled it up a few times. That, at least, diminished the floor soppiness. I tried leaving the A/C running for an hour to pull out some moisture, but now the seats are just wet and cold. My mom said to leave the windows down in the heat, but I’m afraid the rain will come back and reverse any progress I’ve made. Sometimes there isn’t just one fix, Scorpio. Sometimes you need to do a little bit of a lot of things that kind-of work. And then give yourself time. And forgive yourself if it’s still a little wet tomorrow morning.
SAGITTARIUS
It’s hot, Sagittarius, and you need a pool! And, if you get a pool, I hope you get one of those little pool-roomba cleaning robots to keep algae off the bottom. I don’t even need to get wet, I could just watch that little guy scrub the bottom of the pool all day. I wonder if it hums little sea-shanties to itself while it’s down there. Just working away in the chlorinated blue. Come to think of it, Sagittarius, you’re kinda like that little guy lately. Nose to the grindstone. Getting it all done. But you’re not a robot. You need to come up for air sometimes. Even if there’s still a little spot of green by the ladder in the deep end, I think this is a good time to come to the surface and grab a breath.
CAPRICORN
Text me when you get here, Capricorn, I’ll come down and let you in. No, it’s not a super-exclusive place or anything. They just have this digital locking-system on the front door and I have to open it with my phone. Yes I’m a member. No, I already got you a guest-pass, it’s fine. I get two a month. Yes, once you’re inside you get all the chili-dogs you want. No, I don’t think that’s a weird model for a chili-doggery. The membership pays for itself if you eat here four days a week. Yes, it’s autodrafted from my bank account. No, you can’t take anything home. All dogs must be consumed on-site. Yes, they will frisk you on the way out, but it’s not a big deal. Monty is very gentle. (Pro-tip, don’t take the free potato chips, you’ll fill up after two bags.) Yes, we can just go somewhere else, but I’m already full. And yes, Capricorn, I think it’s wise to reconsider your financial commitments from time to time.
AQUARIUS
Do you need a ride, Aquarius? I’m glad to run you home, but I should warn you that my car seats are still a little bit wet from when I left the windows down during that big storm the other day. It’s way better than it was, but you might notice a little squish when you sit down. If that’s alright, we can get going. Oh, and I am a little low on gas. Yeah, and my card won’t tap since my wallet’s been wet from being in my back pocket while I drive around. So, if you’ve got a couple bucks that would probably get us there. Also, if you don’t mind holding this wet-vac in your lap, there’s not really another place for it. OK! If you’re all buckled in…oh, that’s right that seatbelt doesn’t really click anymore but you can kind of tie it to the armrest? Oh, you’re just gonna walk? I get it, Aquarius. Offering to help is kind. Just make sure you’ve got the resources to back it up.
PISCES
When I was a kid, we would take these family road trips through the desert to visit my grandparents by the ocean. And we’d always stop at whatever billboard-announced roadside attractions we hadn’t seen before. The world’s largest thimble. The world’s smallest mule. Sam’s Snake-Kingdom and Rhonda’s Squash-Rodeo. All were sites of wonder and delight. If you’re feeling uninspired, Pisces, remember that there are things out there you haven’t imagined yet. Maybe go for a drive and keep your eyes open for new possibilities.
ARIES
I woke up 45 minutes before my alarm went off this morning. Not enough time to really get back to sleep. But too much time to just get out of bed and get going, right? So I figured the best use of my time was to lay in bed and worry. First off, I’ll probably be tired from the missing 45 minutes of sleep, so that’s concerning. And, even though I’m up early, I bet I’ll still be late to work. What if I get fired?. And what am I doing still working at a 24 hour video and tan place, anyway? Am I getting too old? What if my astrology career never takes off? What if I get sick? Did my heart just skip a beat? That’s bad, right? Can you wait to get health insurance until after you go to the doctor? What if the government cancels my bank account? And what if I don’t have any marketable…BRAMP!BRAMP!BRAMP! Oh, right, my alarm. Well, I’d better get up, Aries. And I’d better practice letting these worries pass by just as fast as they arise.
TAURUS
My car is pretty much dried-out from when I left the windows down in that big storm last week, Taurus. What a relief! I’m so grateful. But there is still a bit of a…smell. It’s just everytime I open the door I get kind of a hot, musty, sourfoot fish-blast. I get used to it while I’m driving, but then I smell it on my clothes at work. So I’m calling in the big-guns. Hans, the guy who details cars in the parking lot across the street, says he can get it smelling brand new. I just have to trade him my Sundaland birthday giftcard. I was gonna use it to order some new astrology hats, but I think this will be worth it. Sometimes, Taurus, it’s worth calling in a professional to get the job done right.
GEMINI
There was a time when people could at least agree on the basics. We all knew it was Shark Week and we all celebrated together. Now things are so fractured. Some binge shark documentaries in the fall while others stream prehistoric megaladon fantasy-fiction adventures in the dead of winter. Each of us the master of our own shark-media uptake. But if you look around, Gemini, people all have the same desires and the same basic needs. Everybody needs a countdown of the 10 most dangerous sharks and footage of a trained diver barely escaping with her life. Remember that when you see your neighbors this Shark Week or any other week of the long, long year.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained soft-serve machine repairman, or an official Meat Loaf biographer. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
