I had to go into the bank this morning to get some things sorted out. Mostly that they keep saying I’ve got no money, but I’m almost certain I’ve got at least some. It didn’t go great, but they did have a tray of oatmeal raisin cookies by the door. I figure they at least owe me one of those. But while I was unlocking my car, I dropped the cookie in the parking lot. I picked it right back up, I mean, three-second-rule, right, Gemini? But now I feel broke and there’s asphalt-flavored raisins stuck in my teeth. Sometimes you’re keenly aware that you live in the consequences of your own actions. Those are good days to try some different actions, Gemini. Start by marching back into that bank and taking the untainted free-cookie you deserve.
CANCER
Remember that time we were walking back to my apartment on Cedarcrest and there was a weird pile of stuff in the middle of the sidewalk? It was, like, a stack of model-train magazines and a broken 3-hole punch and a film-canister full of buffalo nickels from the 1920s. Bunch of other stuff, too. I think I still have those nickels somewhere. I guess each of those things was valuable to somebody at some point, and then one day they just weren’t anymore. One day they changed from important personal artifacts to a pile of stuff by the curb. It’s weird, but I wonder if you’re hanging on to anything this week that might be better off left on the sidewalk, Cancer. Check your mind for junkpiles. That stuff may not be serving you anymore.
LEO
Have you ever seen one of those cruise-ships up close, Leo. Absolutely terrifying. They’re nearly as long as The Empire State Building is tall. When you get close, your body can’t interpret the size. It’s like being next to an enormous, reptilian creature just before it crawls out of the sea and flattens a nearby city. So, that’s the only reason I don’t go on cruises. But if your problems start feeling too large to look at, Leo, I recommend approaching them from a different angle. Maybe buy a ticket and get on board. You’ll be able to take them one deck at a time.
VIRGO
The ancient Greek poet, Homer, would have loved the 2010s sitcom Modern Family. I think he would have been amazed by it’s narrative efficiency. Within the first 3 minutes of each episode, a primary conflict arises. Over the following 19 minutes, that conflict is resolved. The “A” plot usually runs parallel to a “B” and sometimes “C” plot which interweave to varying degrees. Characters are seldom, if ever, killed in battle, and seduction is only used to demonstrate steadfastness. Homer would have binged the entire 11 seasons in a week and, certainly, would have been inspired to compose a 12,000 line epic poem summarizing the lives of the Dunphy family. Find something that holds your interest, Virgo. Find something that makes you want to create. Each of us delights in work that suits us best.
LIBRA
I wanted to show you that little film-cannister full of buffalo nickels I found, Libra. I bet those are worth something, right? I used to keep it on my desk next to the action figures, but I got rid of that desk when I moved and the action figures live up on the bookshelf now. Maybe it’s in one of those banker-boxes in my closet? But I think those are mostly papers I couldn’t throw out and junk mail I never opened. Maybe it’s with the broken stereo stuff in the basement? If something is important to you, Libra, keep it close and keep an eye on it. Don’t just mix it in with the junk. Maybe it ended up in that box with the baseball cards?
SCORPIO
Sometimes when I can’t sleep I go for a drive. And when it’s really late, I often notice that there’s nobody working out in the 24-hour gym by my house. You know, they’ve got those big windows that face the street because they want you to see all the fit people running in place and lifting heavy things over their heads. But when it’s empty, all I can think about is how there’s probably really energetic music playing in there. Something inspirational and serious. An empty room echoing with “Eye of the Tiger” or “Lose Yourself.” Anyway, Scorpio, sometimes you need inspiration but you’re in the wrong room. Try another space. Maybe they’re playing your song.
SAGITTARIUS
I remember allergy-season being much shorter than this. Don’t we usually confine pollen to a 6-week period at the beginning of spring? I’m afraid this will never end. I’m tired of sneezing in public. Tired of feeling bleary-eyed in the afternoon. Tired of having to hold my head at just the right angle if I want to be able to breathe and sleep at the same time. We’ve all got struggles, Sagittarius, and it always feels unfair to have extra-irritations on top of the primary ones. But whatever arises will eventually pass away. That goes for the good stuff too. What can you do to experience this moment without the story that it will last forever?
CAPRICORN
I’ve been going through all my old boxes looking for that film-cannister I have that’s full of buffalo nickels. No sign of it, but I did find a bunch of mix-CDs that I made, like, 20 years ago. I have no idea what songs I put on these. Shiny discs with some nonsense-title that I sharpied on the top like “Songs for Jerks” or “Slamdangle!” I found one I titled “Summer Circus Magic” and popped it in the CD player in my car (because that’s the only CD player I own anymore). I think this CD was my entire personality from May through September of 2006 but I haven’t thought about these songs in years, Capricorn. Music is powerful stuff. And it’s nice to remember what I was like then and how much I’ve changed since. You’re changing too, Capricorn. You may not be able to see it until you’ve had time to forget this summer, but you’re gonna like where you end up.
AQUARIUS
When I was a kid I would watch He-Man in the mornings before school. I loved it. The swords, the monsters, the muscles. One morning my dad walked in and flipped the switch on the TV. “That’s not a show we need to watch.” I’ve never been sure if he was tuned-in to the growing cultural fear of “the occult” or just tired of hearing the cheesy sound-effects while he was trying to worry about work. In any case, I learned that He-Man isn’t a right, it’s a privilege. And whatever you think of as “yours,” might disappear in an instant. So you’ve got to be secure in who you are on the inside, Aquarius. You’re more than what you passively consume. You have the power.
PISCES
They’re building a statue of you in the middle of town, Pisces! I know, I couldn’t believe it either. They said it’s gonna be 20-feet tall! It’s an amazing likeness — you look fantastic. They based it on that one day where you couldn’t believe how perfect your hair was. They asked me if I had any ideas for what to put on the plaque and I told them I’d check with you. Maybe you could write out just like three sentences that explain why you’re such an important person. Start it with “This is a monument to one of our greatest citizens, Pisces…” and just go from there. If you could get us something by this afternoon, that’d be great.
ARIES
Great news! I spent all day digging through boxes, and I finally found that film-cannister full of buffalo nickels I wanted to show you! The bad news is, it’s not quite how I remembered it. Yes, there were two buffalo nickels on top, but the rest is just a few regular nickels from the 90s, some Chuck-e-Cheese skee-ball tokens, and then a couple of mismatched washers, a cool-looking rock. So this probably isn’t worth much, right? Sometimes we overestimate what we’ve got going for us, Aries. But the best thing you can do is take it out of the box and look right at it, add it up, and figure out what else you might need going forward.
TAURUS
They say comedy is just tragedy plus time. But I prefer science fiction, Taurus, which is just tragedy plus time machines. You can fix any sad story with a time machine. Just go back to before things got sad and figure out a whole other direction for the plot. If I could, Taurus, I’d go back to right before things got hard for you and I’d give you some new technology, or special-future-wisdom, or stock-tips that would turn things right around. But I guess reality is more of a comedy. So we move forward from where we are and we try to not take the past so seriously. We learn from our mistakes and we lean into a future that might be better. And it might have time machines.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained numismatist, or a certified workout DJ Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
