As you know, Aries, the title of Yokozuna has only been bestowed upon 75 wrestlers in the last 135 years of sumo. Only the fiercest competitors, the most consistent champions, and the truest to tradition ever earn the position. But before one is promoted to Yokozuna, they must prove themselves as an Ozeki. Ozeki is the second highest rank in sumo and it literally translates as “great barrier.” it’s a barrier surpassed by few. You’ve been an Ozeki for a long time, Aries, and it feels like it should be your turn. But you can’t focus on what’s next, you can only focus on what’s now. Keep fighting your way, Aries. You get better with every bout.
TAURUS
I couldn’t really sleep last night so I finally just decided to get up early and go for a walk in the park by my apartment. I was on the path close to the picnic area and, you won’t believe this, I found a perfectly good hardboiled egg under one of the bushes by the table. It was dyed blue for some reason, but I’m not gonna let that go to waste! Must’ve been 10 steps later I found another one, pink, just laying in the grass. Sometimes the universe provides, Taurus. After I filled my pockets, hands, and belly, I thought I should leave some for whoever comes next. I wonder why the family in the picnic area now looks so upset? Don’t they know there are gifts for those who take the time to search?
GEMINI
In a distant future, our descendants will stand on this spot and look out over a vast savannah on the edge of a thick forest. “All of this used to be parking lots and condos,” they’ll say, “but then we changed our minds.” It’s always possible to turn around, Gemini. You may not be able to make everything go back the way it was, but you can be the first to say “I was wrong” and take a step in the opposite direction. I’ll meet you in the poplar grove where the Speedway used to be.
CANCER
I’m not very tall so people always assume I’m not good at basketball. The joke’s on them though, I’m not very good at any of the non-height-dependent sports either. Not bowling. Not ping-pong. I don’t know if it’s a hand-eye coordination problem or just that I have a tendency to give up before I start. But I do always volunteer to climb the ladder at work, to get down the blank VHS cases out of the loft. I’m pretty good at volunteering. It makes me think of how you have so many natural talents, Cancer, but those aren’t the only ways to reach for the top and make a difference.
LEO
Are you sure that’s your password, Leo? Maybe you should try entering it again. Wait, didn’t you use an @ sign instead of an “a”? And weren’t those “e”s supposed to be “threes”? No, that’s wrong too. Only two attempts left before they lock your account. Oh, I’ll bet you changed it when you got that e-mail about the data leak. You probably made it something with more random capitalization and a % sign? Nope, that wasn’t it either, Leo. Ok, last chance. Hey isn’t that what you tried the first time? I don’t think that will … Oh. It worked. Maybe you should stick with your first choice more often.
VIRGO
Remember that guy we met at the bus stop who said he wanted to open a vegan taxidermist shop? Well, I was just at the Screaming Pines strip mall and he actually got the place open. I went inside and he’s got cucumbers mounted on plaques, eerily lifelike potatoes, and a scene of stuffed strawberries that took my breath away. He said business is slow so far, but he’s getting some traction. It made me think, Virgo, that your idea isn’t half as crazy as that one. You should get back to work on it.
LIBRA
Parrot on my shoulder. Eyepatch over my eye. Three corners on my hat. The deck is swabbed. The swash is buckled. I think you know where this is going, Libra. But before we take to the high seas there are some general safety guidelines we should review with the crew. First, it’s not good piracy unless everybody has a good time. A lot of me hearties haven’t learned that there’s no “I” in “yo-ho-ho.” If we want to get to the next port together, it has to be shiver-we-timbers from now on. Cooperation is the key this week, Libra. Even if you’re a landlubber. Even if you lub something else altogether.
SCORPIO
I ordered the wrong size astrologers’ gloves from tractorandastrologysupply.org and now I’m on a chat with customer service trying to cancel the order. They said the order may have already shipped, but I only clicked the button 10 minutes ago. It was my mistake, but you’d think it would be easier to cancel. Sometimes you know the second you say something that it was the wrong thing to say. I’d just like to remind you that you don’t have to defend a position you don’t believe in. You can just say “I was wrong” and then do what you can to control the damage.
SAGITTARIUS
The world is turning green again. (I told you it would, Sagittarius, but I’m not going to make a big deal about it.) I almost forgot these trees were more than just bare branches reaching for an empty sky. They’re filling up with leaves and birds and bugs. And everything is going to be alive again for a while. And you don’t have to celebrate, Sagittarius, just because there are flowers in the yard. But take a minute to remember that change is the course that we were always on. And whatever it feels like today will pass away, too.
CAPRICORN
I grew up looking for the man in the moon. A human face that, I was told, would wink back at me. But in many parts of the world, it’s not a man they see up there, but a rabbit. In Chinese folklore the moon-rabbit leans on a mortar and pestle, constantly grinding the elixir of immortality. That’s already a way cooler idea than a winking face. Sometimes you don’t even need to change your perspective to find a better story. You just need to change what you’re looking for.
AQUARIUS
All the TVs in this laundromat are trying to sell me medications for diseases I don’t have yet. I used to resent these endless pharmaceutical commercials, but now I think of them as a little memento mori between segments of The Young and the Restless. When they tell me I can be cured, I remember instead that I am of a nature to become ill. When they tell me I can feel younger, I remember that I am of a nature to age. When they tell me I can live longer, I remember that I am of a nature to die. Kind of a heavy task while I wait for my socks to dry, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to do the work.
PISCES
Yesterday I was enjoying smelling the flowers. Today I can’t really inhale through my nose because of all the pollen. It goes with the territory, I guess. Spring is here but I have a hard time seeing it through these itchy, watering eyes. So how do we stay grateful for the bloom while our senses are so disrupted, Pisces? It’s a very human problem. There’s a trade off in every new adventure. Some people say to focus on the positive. I say focus on the present moment. What does it feel like to sneeze? What’s really happening in your head right now? Feel those things as completely as you feel the warm breeze. That’s what it’s like to be a Pisces today.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained allergist, or a certified piracy consultant. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
