There are too many ways to make coffee, Gemini. Drip, espresso, cold-brew, flash-chill, pourover, french-press, sock-in-a-pot, percolator, double-drained, sonic-swamped, candleboxed, infra-wet. And those are just the ones my local cafe offers. We need to be making fewer small decisions so we’ve got room for the big ones. What small things can you take off your plate so you’ve got the brain-space for what you really want to be thinking about? Think it over while you sip on this rag-squeezed Peruvian cattura.
CANCER
Maybe I just don’t know when to quit, Cancer. I started playing a new videogame last night. It’s one of those really simple ones where you’re rolling digital dice and learning new magical and attack skills for differently trained class characters while you battle orcs who do damage based on distance and skill level. Pretty basic, really. I got my rogue up to level 28 by stacking poison and dodge, but I still can’t beat the final dragon at the end of the chapter. I must have fought that boss 30 times last night and I just couldn’t get through his defenses. But you know what I’m gonna do tonight, right? I’m gonna get right back in there and roll those dice again. Because that’s how we win, Cancer. We try and try until it works. No dragon can stand forever.
LEO
The ruby-throated humming bird eats four times per hour and has a heart rate of 1,260 beats per minute. That’s what I told my doctor when she asked me about making some simple lifestyle changes. She replied that “comparison is the thief of joy” and that I’ll have an easier time staying happy and healthy if I’m willing to use human metrics for success. I immediately thought of you, Leo. The standards you’ve been holding yourself to are nearly superhuman. Honestly, I’ve never seen anybody flap their wings that fast. You’re doing amazing things, but you don’t have to do that all the time. Give yourself permission to do a little less. Leave some nectar for the butterflies.
VIRGO
If you dream about somebody, do they dream about you? It’s probably a myth, right? I’m mostly just wondering because when I was checking-out at the Sav-a-Bunch today, the guy working the register looked up at me with his one good eye and said “Back so soon?” But I haven’t seen him in weeks. Unless you count the dreams. I’m sure it’s nothing, Virgo. But it does remind me that dreaming doesn’t get the shopping done. Even if you’ve got it all worked out in your head, you have to leave the house to make it happen.
LIBRA
We’ve got one of those motion-detecting lights in the storage shed at work. Seems like a great fix, but everytime I have to go out there for more empty VHS boxes or tanning-bed cleaning -solution I end up behind a wall of boxes waving my arms around in the dark. It’s hard to get the attention of an automated system that wants to ignore you. But usually there’s a person behind the system. And if you can find them, they’ll have a harder time ignoring you. That’s what I intend to do if I can ever find my way out of this storage shed.
SCORPIO
Remember the time you went to the grocery store in your flamingo pajamas and, as you were leaving, the local TV news stopped you in the parking lot to ask what you thought about the new amusement park they’re building on top of the demolished mall? You said “that sounds like fun” and somebody took a screen grab of you making that weird face and it became the “that sounds like fun” meme and was all over internet message boards for, like, two years? I know you thought that was the biggest impact you would have on the world, Scorpio, but it’s not. You do more significant things every day just by being kind to the people around you. You change the world every time you tell somebody you’re glad to see them. Even if it doesn’t make the local TV news.
SAGITTARIUS
If you flip a fair coin, Sagittarius, your odds of getting tails is one time out of two, or 50/50. If you flip a coin twice, there’s about a one in four chance you’ll get two tails in a row. If you flip a coin 10 times, there’s a one in 1,024 chance that you’ll land on tails every time. You’re on a bit of a losing streak lately, Sagittarius, but this can’t go on forever. I mean, I guess it could, but it’s not very mathematically likely. If your streak persists, friend, you might try flipping a different coin. I’m starting to worry that this one is weighted against you.
CAPRICORN
I’ve been waving my hands under this automatic paper towel dispenser for at least 3 minutes. It’s like it can’t even see me. I just want to dry my hands! Hey, wait! All this hand-waving has thoroughly aired me out. Hey, maybe this machine is working exactly as intended. Sometimes the process isn’t what we’d expected, Capricorn. Just be sure to check-in on the results. Maybe you’re getting where you need to be after all.
AQUARIUS
I’ve read this book before, Aquarius. I remember that I really liked the beginning and I recall that it all turned out okay in the end. But here I am in the middle and I just don’t remember it getting this bad. By Chapter 9, things were pretty shaky. Now in Chapter 14, I can’t see things turning out well for anybody involved. But these are the kinds of stories we love, Aquarius, where things go from bad to worse to happily resolved in 260 pages. It’s trickier in real life, of course. You never know what page you’re on and nobody can tell you for sure that it’s all going to work out. All you can know is that the story isn’t over yet. And as long as you’re still in it, you can move this page in a direction you want to go.
PISCES
Do you hear that, Pisces? Kind of a far-off whistling in the distance? It’s a familiar melody but I can’t quite place it. Maybe something by Bach or Brahms? Or wait, I think this was a radio-song I used to know the words to. Music triggers memories, Pisces. Sometimes of a time and place but more often just a feeling. When I’m feeling stuck in a repeated loop, it helps me to tune into music and remember all the different people I’ve been and ways I’ve thought about things. What is that song? If you’re feeling out of sorts today, Pisces, maybe tune into something you’ve loved in the past. You know, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming…wait! That’s it!
ARIES
I stayed up way too late last night playing that new videogame. Every time I would lose I would just think, “one more round couldn’t hurt, right? How late could it be?” And then I’d get sucked in for another 45 minutes and the cycle would repeat again. Now I’m so tired I can barely stand up at work. I think I just told a customer to “have a great weep!” If I can make it to the end of this shift and make it home I’m gonna do things differently this time. That’s the great thing about a cycle, Aries. You can break it. Step away from your automatic response to the circumstance and ask yourself what you actually need right now. If it’s sleep, get some sleep. Don’t just jump back in where you left off because it’s what you usually do. Give yourself the gift of breaking the cycle.
TAURUS
Did you sign the petition to save the old mall north of town, Taurus? We used to hang out there all day, drinking micro-plastic smoothies and trying on sunglasses we couldn’t afford. How will the next generation learn about risqué posters and mixing sodas together at the food court if there’s no mall? I mean, no, I haven’t been there in years. I mostly just order shoes and rugs online now. But think of the children! I guess it’s possible that some things in the past should just stay in the past. Maybe we need new, less commerce-driven community spaces. Maybe those petitions are just for people who don’t want to build the new world but can’t let go of the old one.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained motion-detector, or a certified somnologist. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
