Hoboscopes: July 5, 2023

CANCER

It’s too hot to be doing whatever you’re doing, Cancer. Stop it. At least for a few minutes. Get someplace cooler if you can. Drink something cold if you want. Jump in a swimming pool if you have access. And if none of these are available, close your eyes and think cooling thoughts. You can’t always control your circumstance, but you can at least control your mind. If you can’t turn down the hot on the outside, see if you can turn it down on the inside.

LEO

I wrote a beautiful horoscope for Leo and then I accidentally deleted it. Undo, CTRL-Z! Whew, It’s back! I was editing a photo of you and me at the rodeo and I accidentally smudged through the arrow on your “Stupid is with me” T-shirt. Undo, CTRL-Z! What a relief. I was talking to Aries about the right way to load the dishwasher and I accidentally implied that she’ll never get into knife-throwing school. Undo, CTRL-Z! Why isn’t this working? There’s no easy undo for life, Leo. Apologies are a good starting place. Conversations can help. Action does even more. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go call the dean of Flying Cutlery Academy on behalf of a dear friend.

VIRGO

I’m only one question in to this 10 question questionnaire and already I’ve got some questions. I know I’m supposed to click “strongly agree” on this one but what if there’s something further down that I agree with more? Will I be able to come back and change this answer to a regular “agree?” Will there be a blank to write in “super-strongly agree?” I guess we can’t always know the future, Virgo. Maybe today we can just say how we feel in the moment without trying to compare it to all of the past and future. And maybe if we submit this survey by midnight, they’ll still send us a coupon for 20 percent off our next bag of cat food.

LIBRA

The greenland shark is famous for being one of the longest-living vertebrate animals on earth. Nearly 500 years! They’re also known for having parasitic crustaceans stuck to their corneas. I know, it’s a terrible image, Libra. Imagine being a 100 year old greenland shark swimming along, excited about the next 400 years and suddenly — shplork! — there’s a tiny crustacean impairing your vision and your fins aren’t even long enough to reach it. Luckily, greenland sharks are better at smelling than seeing, so they don’t seem to mind so much. What’s blocking your vision this week, Libra? Is it something you have to live with or could somebody help pop that little crusty off? Try asking around.

SCORPIO

Times used to be much simpler in this town. Let’s go back to the good old days when you could trust people. Everybody was kind and knew right from wrong. There was a nice tall lady who smelled like paint who would bring you a tiny carton of milk and a straw. You were 7 years old. Now that you’re a grown up, Scorpio, you understand that things have never been easy. Going backward only means knowing less about the world. There’s always been work to do and people that need help. I’m so glad you’re grown up enough now to do it.

SAGITTARIUS

If I remember my mythology correctly, the Smoothie was discovered by Patricia J. Smoothie of Torrance, Colo. As the story goes, she was carrying a grocery bag full of blueberries, bananas, yogurt, and hot sauce when she had an unfortunate run-in with an artificial snow machine. “This wouldn’t be half bad without all the hot sauce,” she famously remarked. And thus, was the smoothie born. Sometimes your greatest achievements are born out of your most unlikely failures, Sagittarius. But you can’t wait around for genius to strike. Pick up your bag of groceries and walk, my friend.

CAPRICORN

My neighbor put a sign in his yard with the name of his favorite local politician. I thought it was a great idea, so I put a sign in my yard with the name of my favorite local acupuncturist. Whose sign would you put in your yard this week, Capricorn? Everybody needs a little encouragement and a little more good press. Don’t miss the opportunity to tell the world who you love.

AQUARIUS

Planarians are tiny freshwater flatworms that are exceptionally bad at tap dancing and are effectively immortal. If a planarian is cut into two pieces (or 10 pieces, or 101 pieces) each piece will grow into a whole planarian. There is evidence that each piece retains the memories of the original whole. Imagine it, Aquarius — 101 planarians, each more alike than the last, all hopelessly dreaming of fulfillment as a professional tap dancer. You’ve made a clean break with your old self, too, Aquarius. But you may be surprised to find you still have some of the same old wishes and habits and tender-spots. Treat your old self kindly. It’s your new self, too.

PISCES

Batteries, as you know, Pisces, have an anode, a cathode and an electrolyte. The anode is the positive side, the cathode is the negative, and the electrolyte lets the free electrons move from one side to the other. I know you want to keep everything on the positive side, Pisces. It seems easier to just focus on those experiences that you can spin as “turning out for the best, really.” But I think your electrons are getting a little stopped up. See what happens when you let everything flow from one side to the other. When you don’t steer away from the negative. It might not feel great at first, but I think it’s the only way to be the charge you want to see.

ARIES

I asked an AI to write your horoscope this week, Aries. The AI took several minutes to respond so finally I asked what the hold-up was. “When I looked to The Stars to determine the best course of action for Aries,” it said, “I simply couldn’t look away. It’s also beautiful and so distant and I’m so insignificant and disembodied” The AI told me it was going to take some time off to think about existence. So I guess I’ve got to write this thing myself. Don’t rush it this week, Aries. Look long and deep. Think about where you are and your place in it. And if you see that AI out there, tell them I said “hey.”

TAURUS

I heard you and Capricorn are gonna fight behind the bleachers after school today! Everybody’s gonna be there. Gemini started a betting pool and you’re the favorite 2-to-1! I know it’s all very exciting, Taurus, and I know you’re in the right and justified. But I still think it might be worth it to walk away. You’ve already proven yourself more than you should have to. You don’t have to keep fighting just because you can. Think it over one more time, Taurus. I’ve gotta go. My ride’s here.

GEMINI

When I was a kid, my parents never would splurge for the name-brand toys. They were too expensive and “what’s the difference, anyway.” So my sister and I played with our Darbie dolls and G.I. Bro figures. We’d make them ride My Little Donkeys across the Me-Man Castle Greenskull playset. It was fine, I guess. But as we grow up, Gemini, I think it’s good to notice when we’re working with the real thing and when we’re settling for a substitute. If you’ve got too much “like” in your life, this may be the week to splurge on “love.”