When I was a kid I always got bloody noses. Not even from, like, fights or knocking it into stuff. I’d just be standing around on a regular Thursday or whatever, and my nose would start bleeding. It always stopped eventually, and adults never seemed too worried. Whatever it was, I guess I aged out of it because I never get a bloody nose anymore. What was I talking about, Gemini? Oh, right! Whatever is stressing you out this week is probably not going to be the thing stressing you out two or three weeks from now. Two or three years from now, you may even remember the plot of your biggest concern today. So keep some perspective and carry some kleenex just to be safe.
CANCER
Robert H. Goddard is considered the father of modern rocketry. He designed and created the first liquid-fueled rockets which were a massive leap forward in the technology that eventually ushered in the Space Age. I probably never would have thought of that. I’m not considered the father of much of anything except maybe this mustard, pickle and sharp-cheddar sandwich. It’s pretty good, but I doubt it will ever go to space. Anyway, Cancer, whether history remembers us or not, I hope you’re making something you love to make. And if you want one of these sandwiches, I’ll make you one.
LEO
Is it just me, or is your neighborhood absolutely jammed with those little self-driving scooters? They just buzz up and down the streets, handlebars to the wind, fully unoccupied. I think you’re supposed to just tackle them as they pass and get on and go wherever it takes you. I saw a guy lasso one to the ground and then he rode it off toward the sunset. I could never pull that off. Plus, when I’m in motion, I like to know where I’m going. But I’ll tell you, Leo, sometimes it’s better just to be in motion at all. If you’re feeling too stationary, maybe hop on one of those things. Or you could try a walk around the block.
VIRGO
I love a good, hopeful alien movie. The kind where humans and aliens meet for the first time and they have to help each other and learn to understand each other and maybe save the planet or stop the bombs or teach us the true meaning of friendship. I think we make those movies because we’re scared of strangers, but at the same time we hope strangers are somehow the same as us. You probably won’t meet any space travelers this week, but if you run into a stranger, try to let your hopeful imagination win out over your fear.
LIBRA
I was watching that commercial where the giant red truck is speeding over the dunes in the desert. It catches some air and does a 90-degree turn and skids through the sand before it speeds down another hill. I thought to myself “Maybe I’d be happy if I was just doing that. Maybe all I need is a big red truck.” But then I saw the small print. “Professional driver on a closed course. Do not attempt.” Is nothing sacred? Must every story be a lie? If I had that truck, I’d probably just drive to work and back and still get home too tired to zoom through the desert. But we must allow these dreams to teach us, Libra. When you see your desire, ask it what it wants.
SCORPIO
Someday, Scorpio, this will all be data-centers. Just beautiful, giant, buzzing rectangular buildings as far as the eye can see. Powerful, thirsty, engines of information saving us from the burdens of thought and effort. Until then, Scorpio, we’ll just have to make the best of what we’ve already got. Plain old streams, trees and fields of wildflowers will have to suffice until we enter our age of technological perfection. Sure, it’s a struggle for now, our only pleasures coming from painting sunsets, making music, and trying out new philosophies. But I think we can make it to our bold technological future. Unless, of course, that isn’t what you want, Scorpio. In which case, you may want to make your wishes known now.
SAGITTARIUS
So I went to the new Burger Cage they just opened over on Pinefield. It was good, I think? I’m kind of confused. First, it’s super bright in there. Just clean fluorescent white. There are no tables and no counter to order at. No employees anywhere in sight. There’s just a bunch of touchscreens everywhere. I walked over to one and tapped in my order (Just a No. 7 with no Dink-Sauce and medium Diet Slart). As soon as I hit “complete” a bag appeared at my feet. Came up from a tube in the floor, I think? Then a voice from the screen said. “Thank you. You have 15 seconds to exit.” So I did. Anyway, Sagittarius, I’m wondering, is everybody as desperate for a real interaction as I am? Carry that thought into your next business plan or game night.
CAPRICORN
Before we begin your horoscope, Capricorn, please stand and join us in reciting The Pledge to The Stars. Why aren’t you standing, Capricorn? What do you mean you “don’t say The Pledge to The Stars?” No, it can’t be “against your religion.” It’s not all that serious. It’s just this little thing we all say to get started. I mean, I guess I never thought that much about it. Yes, there is the part where we promise to “kill and die for our celestial fates” but most people don’t mean that literally. I think. OK, Capricorn, you can sit this one out. And maybe I’ll rethink some of my blind allegiances as well.
AQUARIUS
Oh! It’s time for the group photo? Tell you what, Aquarius, since I’m the only one who forgot my matching Aqurius-summer-getaway group T-shirt, how about you just let me take the picture? OK, everybody, get closer together. A little bit closer. Squeeze in just a little bit. Don’t be afraid to get even closer. I’ve almost got everybody in the frame but I’m gonna need you just a tiny bit closer. Almost. Almost. That’s nearly it; just a little bit more and…Got it! Now, let this picture be a reminder that if you want to be seen this summer, you’re gonna have to be willing to get close with people. Real close.
PISCES
Summer is weird, Pisces. Everything is bright and colorful. The birds wake up singing and the squirrels dance across the branches. The sun stays out late having a great time. But the air is thick and boiling-hot and it all just makes me sweaty and irritable. How long do you think this one will last? The usual amount? I’m afraid that might be too much. If you need to sit out a couple of days in the airconditioned dark, I think you should. We’ve got a long way to go and we need you in tip-top shape.
ARIES
Is frozen yogurt back again? I’m not trying to be irritating, I’m just having a hard time keeping up. Because if we’re doing frozen yogurt again, that means toppings are back on the menu! That’s the good stuff. I don’t really care if the cold-part is healthy or protein-rich. I just want to cover it in crushed oreos, peanut butter cups, cherry sauce and gummy bears. Yes, all of those. You don’t have to pick just one. That’s true of a lot of things, Aries. Maybe pile on the joy this week.
TAURUS
You want a great pitch for a low-budget high-return summer blockbuster horror movie? Sure you do, Taurus. It’s about an ordinary town full of generally good-hearted people who just want to help each other out, get some work done, and take it easy for once. But there’s a terrible, invisible, inescapable force that prevents them from achieving their goals. I titled it “The Humidity.” I’ll send you the script if you promise to give me honest feedback. Anyway, Taurus, I’m glad that’s just a movie and real life is pretty easy. Except, wait, what’s that wave of hot discomfort blowing in from outside? Don’t let creeping mugginess keep you from doing everything you want, Taurus. That town is fictional. This one is real.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained group photographer, or a professional driver on a closed course. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
