Sometimes I think about that part in Hamlet, where Ophelia says “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.” Because Ophelia was having a particularly bad day when she said that. And, honestly, a lot of the other things she was saying didn’t make much sense to me. Something about the baker’s daughter being an owl and rue being an “herb of grace.” It all seems very abstract. But then she says something heavy like “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.” Which, Libra, is something you may want to argue with, but I think it’s basically the root of all our fears. And if we can make some peace with that idea maybe we can take one more step away from the water and away from the fate of Ophelia. And take one step toward hope and away from fear.
SCORPIO
People are saying it’s not the right time to talk about it yet, but I think we’re ready. Let’s just get it out there. I’ll say it. What are you going to be for Halloween this year, Scorpio? You could go with something cheap and easy like a prepackaged drugstore construction worker. Or something complicated like Elizabeth Taylor in Jewel of the Nile. Maybe do something obscure like an embodiment of the feeling of shame. Or a fan favorite like Disco Dracula. Whatever you want to be, Scorpio, it’s not too early to make a plan and take some steps. Even if you just want to be happier.
SAGITTARIUS
My Aunt told me it was a moonstone. The smooth, round, pale iridescent rock she handed me seemed like something unearthly. So when I took it to school I didn’t think it was a stretch to tell my friends I got it from the moon. They mostly believed me and so I told them that I knew how to get more stuff from the moon if they wanted. But Brett Sneed had to ruin the whole thing, shouting “That’s just opalite! Those are twenty-five cents at my dad’s store!” My new popularity instantly vanished. And I know it’s tempting, Sagittarius, to say more than you know. But Brett Sneed is still out there and those illusions do pop. Start with the basics and stay with what’s true. It’s a neat rock. Wanna see? You can hold it if you want.
CAPRICORN
As an amateur astrologer, Nostradamus is sort of a father figure to me. Not because I think he was such a great guy or anything. And not because his predictions came true, exactly. Not even that I’ve really “read his work,” as they say. But Nostradamus taught me that if you think of something scary that might happen in the future, you don’t have to worry about it all day. You can just write it down. See if it works for you, Capricorn. Instead of just fearing your fears, write about them. You can make a quick bulleted list or do a whole essay for each one. You might notice that some aren’t that scary once you’ve got them spelled out. “Stink Bees?” Why was I afraid of “stink bees?” What even is that? And, worst case, if they do come true, you might get famous later like Nostradamus. Just write it down.
AQUARIUS
I remember Peter Pan as the story of a fun-loving boy who can fly and can fight and can never grow up. But lately it just looks more to me like the story of Wendy, the eldest daughter of the Darling family. A sharp, responsible, sensitive girl who feels she has to keep the whole world from falling apart for everyone she knows. You may find you’re getting tired of the reckless adventures that put the people you love toward danger. You may find you’re taking on too much responsibility for their well-being. You may find somebody to talk that over with this week, Aquarius. Skip the next round of fairy dust and happy thoughts and figure out what your role here really is and how you might want to change it.
PISCES
I wanted to buy the whole animatronic skeletal rock band from the Halloween Super Store in the abandoned car dealership off Exit 728b. But I didn’t have the budget for all four members, so I only bought the drummer. Now he sits in my yard with his legbone drumsticks and his three skull-toms. And when I get home it sets off his motion sensor and he plays Bad to the Bone, but I can tell his heart’s not in it. I guess I was only thinking of myself when I took him away from the band. I didn’t mean to ruin the friendship and camaraderie that John Boneham must have had with those other undead rockers. Who helps you play your best, Pisces? Are you taking that companionship seriously? Life can’t always be a drum solo.
ARIES
I used to think John Carpenter’s 1982 film The Thing was pretty scary. All that evil alien goo and human paranoia. But now I think maybe it’s actually romantic. A life form from a far away place that just wants to be seen as one of us. It does whatever it takes to be accepted, welcomed, perhaps even loved by the crew of that lonely Antarctic outpost. What would you change about yourself to be accepted by somebody else, Aries? Sometimes it’s real kindness. Learning to pick up your socks or do the dishes even though you don’t want to. But don’t change who you really are, Aries. Not for anybody. That just leads to suspicion, resentment, and flamethrowers.
TAURUS
So The Kraken is just like a big fish, right? Or is it more of a giant octopus-guy? I’ve never known. All I’m sure of is that it’s very large and at least partially aquatic. Oh, and it’s on my wish list (tacked to my visionboard) that I want to be the guy to shout “Release The Kraken!” and then have those giant gates burst open with a flood of water and tentacles. It’s probably not a very realistic aspiration, but I still put it on the list. It’s right after “learn to play banjo” and right before “be a better friend.” What’s on your list, Taurus? Release that.
GEMINI
I was getting my Halloween decorations out of the basement and as I pulled the box away from the cinder block wall, a flat piece of wood fell down from behind it. It’s maybe an old shingle from the house that used to be here. Anyway, It’s got a picture burned into it, some kind of smiling face with horns and sharp teeth under the word “BEWARE.” Oh, and on the other side there’s a carved photorealistic likeness of you, Gemini. Yeah, I’m sure it’s you! Did you have any relatives in this area in the late 1800s? Anyway, I just thought I should let you know that you’re probably part of some stories you don’t even know about. That’s why you should be kind whenever you can. People remember. Other things do too.
CANCER
After more than a decade of dedication, I cancelled my membership to PASTAA (The Public Association of Semi-Trained Amateur Astrologers) because I simply couldn’t continue to support an organization whose financial investments were so out of line with my personal beliefs. (Also, I had already gotten all the pens and stickers they had to offer and I wasn’t really using the message board anymore.) These are complicated times, Cancer. Sometimes you can do something small to signal to the market what you won’t tolerate. Sometimes it’s not so easy. (I’ve decided to keep paying my electric bill despite…well, everything.) Opting out of harmful systems is good. But if those lines are too hard to cut right now, just opt-in to something you know is worthwhile. Even things that don’t come with a membership card. Like helping your neighbor fix that old fence or giving your coworker a ride home.
LEO
I saw a headline that says our consciousnesses may be able to travel through time and that’s why we get “gut feelings” that something bad is about to happen. Like, today I had a feeling that I shouldn’t eat my peanut butter and honey sandwich in the car, but I did it anyway and ended up with honey all over my work shirt. I’m not sure if I got that worried feeling because of my time travelling consciousness or just because I have a long history of dripping stuff on all my best clothes. Either way, Leo, listen to your gut. Even if it doesn’t know what’s gonna happen next, it might know what’s happened before.
VIRGO
When I think of how many hours of TV I’ve watched in my life, my only comfort is that there’s so much TV I’ve still never seen. But I do so love the way a TV series can progress. Episode to episode. Season to season. The writing style and characters developing and changing over the life of a show. “Girl Meets World,” for instance, was a 2014 Disney Channel spin-off hit featuring Sabrina Carpenter, Rowan Blanchard, and Ben Savage of “Boy Meets World” fame. And although I’ve never seen a single episode, I believe that it had stories worth following. That the characters changed, if only a little, as the series moved forward. And that all the stories we tell, no matter how small or specific, are stories about all of us. And that they change. And so can we.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained Antarctic researcher , or an authorized lawn-skeleton reseller. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
