I was doing pretty good this morning until I got in the shower. I mean, it was fine. Pleasant, even, with the warm water and all. I think that’s what got me. I started thinking through my day. Started wondering if I was doing anything right. Zoned-out remembering the form I forgot to fill out that was due on Tuesday. Realized I never put in my time-off request for Astrology*Con next weekend. Wondered if anybody would notice if I just disappeared. And then the hot water started running out and I toweled off to start my day. It’s amazing how many thoughts and worries and little-despairs can materialize in the course of a shower, Leo. It might even be worth giving those some intentional space that isn’t constrained by a failing water-heater. Sit with those thoughts. Let them be present. See what they want even if it’s just to slow you down.
VIRGO
I told the guy at the shoe store that I stand up at work all day so I need comfortable and supportive shoes. He went into the back and brought out a box. He said they would be like walking on a hot buttered cloud. Then he went upstairs and came back down with some insoles. He said these would be like standing on the tongues of angels. (He had a real gift for simile.) It cost more than I wanted to spend, but the guy was right! I wore them to work and they’re as soft as melted-marshmallow pancakes. (I’m working on it.) Sometimes the advice and the investment are worth it, Virgo. Ask for the shoes you need.
LIBRA
Somebody told me that if I put a decal on my car that advertises my business, I can write-off all my gas as a business expense. So I ordered a giant magnet for my passenger door that says “Mysterio Amateur Astrology — Follow Me To The Stars.” But then somebody else told me that if I put a magnet on my car that says “Follow Me” and then somebody follows me, I can’t legally ask them to stop. I’m not sure if either of those things are true, Libra, but now I’ve got a huge personalized magnet on my fridge and I wonder if I can write-off these frozen taquitos. It’s great to get advice, Libra. It’s even better to verify it before you spend any money.
SCORPIO
I grew up watching lots of TV sitcoms. Little square-shaped stories where the jokes were punctuated by a laughing crowd and everything generally worked-out in 23 minutes. But when I put those old shows on my new big-screen TV something’s wrong. The main cast floats in the center while the background-extras have compelling but silent conversations in the vibrant HD-letterbox wings. I can’t stop watching those storyless characters. Where do they go at the end of the scene? And then I tell a joke and nobody laughs and I have to wonder if maybe I’m not in the main cast. But nobody’s an extra in their own life, Scorpio. Step into the foreground. You’ve slipped back a little.
SAGITTARIUS
This reminds me of the time the Klingons tried to invade the Cardassian homeworld but were narrowly thwarted by a small Federation-aligned crew acting without orders. What I mean is, Sagittarius, that when you see something happening that you know is wrong, you don’t have to wait for the people in charge to fix it. I’m not saying you should fly a cloaked vessel deep into Cardassian space and risk the lives of your crew by dropping your shields to transport wounded non-ally-combatants off a nearly-destroyed ship. I’m just saying I know some people who would do it for you.
CAPRICORN
This morning I was talking to my paleontologist about all the things I’ve intended to do but that I never get around to doing. “Yes, I still want to write that book, I just never have the time to get things going.” My paleontologist just squinted at me and crinkled up her forehead. (If you’ve got a good paleontologist, you know the look.) “All you have is time.” She told me. “Do you think the pre-pliosaurid ancestors of the attenborosaurus sat around wondering when they’d have the time to evolve smooth, scaleless skin to reduce water resistance?” She’s right, Capricorn. All we have is time. It extends, perhaps infinitely, in every direction. Time is everywhere you look. Get busy evolving.
AQUARIUS
I was out for a walk today and a sweet little dog walked up to me. She was wagging her tail and following right behind me. She had a collar but no tags. I immediately knew I wanted no part of this whole situation. This is a problem I can’t solve! But then I remembered I’ve that guy I met in 2-C who loves dogs. My happy little friend followed me and I knocked on his door. He called his friend Pam who had room in her yard. She messaged her sister who put pictures on the community page. 5 hours later, the owner came to pick up the dog. Turns out I didn’t have to solve the whole problem, Aquarius, I just had to knock on one door.
PISCES
The wasps are at it again, Pisces! I’ve been watching them build that nest for months. First one little paper hexagon. Then two. I thought they were giving up somewhere around May, but they kept going a little bit at a time. Suddenly that nest is taking up the whole corner of the porch and every time I walk out the door one of those little guys is threatening me off to my car. Maybe we can be more like that, Pisces. Not the part where we chase people around with our stingers, but the part where we keep working on something a little bit every day until it gets done.
ARIES
There’s an old Buddhist story about a young student who goes to his teacher and says “Master, what can one do to achieve enlightenment?” The teacher takes a deep breath and answers “Chop wood. Carry water.” The student, who is already well into the tasks of the day, is grateful and excited — realizing that he’s well on his way. But before he leaves he stops himself and turns back to his teacher, “Master, what does one do after enlightenment?” The teacher smiles and replies “Chop wood. Carry water.” It may not feel like you’re making progress, Aries, but I see that you’re doing the work in front of you. And your goal may not be a whole new way of living, it might just be a new way of being in your life.
TAURUS
They made a machine that eats for you, Taurus. Go ahead, try it! You just put whatever food you were going to eat right into the machine. Watch it chew with steel teeth far more powerful and precise than your own. The slurry disappears down a polypropylene throat and enters a sealed, acid-resistant stomach followed by nearly 100 yards of folded, synthetic-intestine. The digestion process is far more complete than anything a human could do. Each nutrient is extracted entirely. Of course, it does leave a small amount of waste, which I’m sure you won’t mind disposing of. You’ll never go back to your old routine of daily, monotonous eating! What do you mean you’re still hungry, Taurus? Honestly, I guess I am too. Maybe we need to keep doing some things for ourselves.
GEMINI
These new shoes I got are so comfortable! I’ve been standing up all day and my feet could do another 12 hours! There’s just one problem, Gemini. They squeak. I guess there’s just a little friction where the Comfort-Quest insoles rub against the top of the Shock-Stop3 Power-Zorb collar. It just makes a little squeak. With every step. Like a frog barking in some tropical tree. And I keep thinking everybody is looking at me. It’s too quiet in here, Gemini, and it makes me feel like a circus clown. But then I remember what my mom used to say “I bet nobody is there is thinking about you at all. They should be thinking about you more!” And maybe she’s right. Maybe we should be making more noise, Gemini.
CANCER
I have walked the rocky paths without a guide. I have climbed the hills of which I could not see the peak. I have stood on the cliff’s edge and stared into the abyss below. I have shouted my own name into the seemingly bottomless void. And you know what’s funny, Cancer? It didn’t really do much for me. Sure, a solo quest into the unknown is great. Do that if you feel like you should. But what I’d much rather do is walk some paved trails with friends. We can help each other up the hill. We’ll check out the view and shout each others names to hear them echo through the canyon. You can come too if you want. Bring a snack.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained trash can repairman, or a registered hot sauce brand. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
