It’s happening, Virgo! The former things are dying away so that the new things can be born! The leaves are turning from green to brown and blowing across the yards. The sunsets are coming earlier and are more magnificent. There’s pumpkin-shaped chocolates in the grocery stores and pumpkin-spiced lattes in the coffee shops and pumpkin-fried steaks at the steak houses. Even if it’s gonna be worse, Virgo, it’s at least gonna be fresh. But first comes the fall. Problems dry up and blow away. When the new problems come, remember that they’ll do the same.
LIBRA
My phone went off in the middle of the night. One of those built-in alerts you can’t even deactivate if you want to. A terrible screech and gargle that jolted me awake and rolled me over. It took my eyes a moment to focus on the words next to the little emergency triangle, but I already knew what it would say, Libra. You’ve gone missing again. And you’ve absolutely got a right to some time alone — and it’s not that you have to check-in. I just want to make sure that you know we noticed. And we’d love to hear from you as soon as you’re even halfway ready.
SCORPIO
Whenever the ragweed starts blowing and my sinuses get stuffy and my eyelids get puffy and I get a little wheeze in my chest, I remember the time in 7th grade when I was walking down the hall in the midst of a full-face-inflating allergy attack and Aimee Wilkerson, the queen of the 8th grade girls stopped and stared at me and when I smiled she pointed said to her friend, as though I was on display at a museum, “What do you think happened to his face?” Anyway, Scorpio, remember that everyone you meet is a whole person in there, even Aimee Wilkerson.
SAGITTARIUS
When I was a kid there would be a man in a tie in the TV who would tell what was going on in the world. There were only like maybe three of those guys. I thought they were very boring and I assumed everything they were saying was true. Now I scroll on my phone and see men in ties saying all kinds of things. Some of them are joking. Some of them are lying. Some of them think they are telling the truth. Some of them are women and some of the ties aren’t even ties. If you ever get overwhelmed by the amount of information you’re expected to take-in, Sagittarius, and exhausted by the amount of discernment you’re expected to exercise, you’re allowed to take a break. Walk away from the men in the ties, go outside. Talk to a neighbor you haven’t met. Maybe make them some brownies or help them power-wash their porch. That’s the news.
CAPRICORN
Just got back from the farmers market with my new pet! He’s super-cute and cuddly and he’s been sleeping in his carrier ever since we got home. The old grizzled wizard who sold him gave me some very specific and dire care instructions before he vanished but I forgot to write them down. Something like “Don’t feed him until midnight?” or maybe it was “No baths before sunset?” I can’t remember what I was supposed to do exactly, Capricorn, but I’m sure he’ll be fine with some trial and error. Oh look! There’s two of them in there now! Anyway, Capricorn, try not to take-on more than you can handle this week.
AQUARIUS
Turns out everybody in this town is a vampire. I should have realized it as soon as I got off the bus seeing as how I’m a vampire, too. It’s pretty inconvenient, really, all these vampires with no regular people to bite. We come out of our coffins at night and wander the streets, thirsty as all get out with nothing to drink. And we complain that we can’t get enough and that it used to be better around here. But I’m starting to wonder if it’s not the lack that’s a problem. Maybe the problem was always the thirst.
PISCES
I heard the story of a rich man who wanted his life to be meaningful. Maybe you’ve heard it too, Pisces. He dressed as a bat and went out into the streets to fight crime. And everywhere he looked, there it was. Old kinds of crime and new. And the man who dressed as a bat captured the criminals. And he found a kind of meaning for his lonely life. But I’d love to see a less-gritty re-telling of this story, Pisces. Something a little more true. Maybe the rich man could instead give his money to the poor. And there would be less need. Less desperation. Less crime to fight. And the man could find more than isolated meaning, he could find community. He could even still dress as a bat if he wanted. Anyway, Pisces, what would it mean if you gave it away?
ARIES
When will this monsterless summer end? It’s hard to get in the spooky-seasonal spirit when I can’t even wear my wolfman costume in the car because I get too hot and have to pull over and take the mask and gloves off before I pass out. Not to mention all the bat-shaped peanut butter cups in my glove-compartment that have each melted into a globby paste. Sometimes, Aries, we’re so ready to get past this present uncomfortable moment and on to what’s next that we end up out-of-sync with what’s actually happening. It’s ok to put the plastic tombstones out in the yard, just don’t be shocked when the lawn guy knocks them over. This growing-season isn’t over yet.
TAURUS
A couple of years ago I bought a big book about how to be a better amateur astrologer. I use it every day. It’s one of those hard-cover 500 page text-book style things. At first I liked the charts in the front and there were a few times that I would look something up in the index in the back. But mostly now I just use it every day when I’m watching movies in bed and need something to set my laptop on to keep it from overheating. We don’t always know what we need, Taurus. And we don’t always need what we get. But at least we can usually use what we’ve got.
GEMINI
I think it’s interesting how quickly technology goes from being cutting-edge to creepy. In 1911, a wax cylinder recording of a child singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” in a stairwell was a technological marvel. By 1955 the same recording could set the tone for a horror movie. It’s like that with crackly detuned radios or wavy lines on a VHS recording. In 20 years you’ll know you’re watching a horror movie when somebody can’t get their old smartwatch to update to the new OS. We fear obsolescence, Gemini, but it’s all made up. You don’t have to be the shiniest, newest, most up-to-date thing to be valid. But I do wish you’d stop singing so slowly in the stairwell.
CANCER
Well, after visiting four different veterinarians in a week, my cat has finally been diagnosed with a something called “mega-colon,” which I am almost positive was a condition nervously made up on the spot. In any case, he has now received several enemas and a lengthy deobstipation process and has come home with a new expensive food and two new expensive medications and that, Cancer, is why I can’t donate $10 to your campaign before the next deadline. I think relationships work best when we can be open about what we’re going through. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about feline constipation with your friends and candidates, find new ones.
LEO
The sign at the middle school down the street says fall break is almost here. I don’t get a fall break, but it does give me a sense of how uncontrollably fast my life is moving. Seems like it was only just summer break and spring break before that. Maybe if we were actually taking some of these opportunities to rest and reflect, Leo, we wouldn’t be so shocked when it was already time for another one.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained deobstipationist, or a registered antihistamine. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
