Wow, the parking lot is so packed today. Oh look, Virgo, there’s a space! Why’d you drive past it? I mean, sure it’s a long walk to the door but … Oooh, there’s another one! Come on Virgo, that was a good space. And now somebody else got it. We could walk through the whole lot faster than we’ll find something good by driving around. Hey — that guy’s pulling out! Ahhh, Virgo! You’re gonna have to take one of these spots. I know you want it to be perfect, but we didn’t come here for the parking! Hey, there’s one! I’m starting to think you’d rather keep looking for the right space than take something that works and get on with the day. There’s one!
LIBRA
I’ve been reading that Mysterio family history my dad wrote after his mom died. I think he was getting worried that nobody else knew those old stories so he got on the phone to his few remaining cousins and tried to write down all the facts. It’s mostly the story of wanderers and farmers, maybe a couple of poets and a few amateur astrologers in that long line. It seems like they took care of each other pretty well, helped out their neighbors, and did the best they knew. Anyway, Libra, you’re not the first one to feel how you’re feeling. You’re not even the first one to do what you did. Check-in with a source who remembers your story from before you do. You might find out you’re just another wanderer in a good line.
SCORPIO
Do you think you’ll get that new phone, Scorpio? They say it’s twice as fast as the one you’re using now. It’s got a better screen and a better camera and if you’re lonely it will be your friend. I was saving up for one, but then I remembered that I stare at my current phone more than I wish I would. And if the new one is twice as fast, I don’t think I’ll stare half as long. I think I’ll just stay twice as distracted. And when staring at my phone makes me lonely and I need a friend, the phone I’ve got now will let me call you. I’m not even sure if the new one does that. Anyway, Scorpio, make sure the tool you’re picking up is the right one for the task you hope to accomplish.
SAGITTARIUS
So there I was, Sagittarius, standing in the condiment aisle trying to pick out a mustard. You get it, right? The classic yellow is great, but my sandwiches are just a little boring lately. And I see the spicy brown one, but last time I got that, something was off and it tasted too much like white vinegar which is a different kind of intensity than I’m looking for in a mustard and just then a jarring announcement came over the speaker “Please stay vigilant and protect your personal belongings while shopping.” And in that moment, Sagittarius, I knew I didn’t want to stay vigilant. I didn’t even want any more personal belongings. The mustard at home is fine. And with as little vigilance as I could muster, I walked out the front door. Don’t let the voice on the overhead speaker tell you what to do with your attention or your resources.
CAPRICORN
I always sleep with a baseball bat under my bed just in case I get real athletic in my sleep. I mean, I never could hit a ball in high school P.E. And I also can’t really catch or throw, but maybe if I can get some good rest, and if I wake up with the right equipment nearby, I’ll be better at all this tomorrow. I know you’ve been doing some of the same, Capricorn, hoping that the right supplies and enough rest will break you through to the big leagues. But what I’m starting to wonder is if there’s another element we need. If maybe we just need more practice doing the things we dream about doing.
AQUARIUS
Some people say there’s a place you are before you’re here. Maybe sort of a cosmic waiting-room for consciousness. And those people say we’re perfect there and we know all about everything and then when our number gets called we go and we get born. We forget what we knew and we start out empty again. I’m not sure about all that, Aquarius, but I like the idea that you’re here because you wanted to be. And that the problems that seem insurmountable right now are problems you knew about back then and you thought “yeah, I can handle that.” Even if there’s not a place like that, Aquarius, I still think you’ve got what you need. Even if that’s just the ability to ask for more help.
PISCES
I was never great at marching band, Pisces. I could do the marching part OK most of the time. And I could do the band part OK some of the time. But I could never really pull off the marching and the band at the same time. Mostly I’d just try to keep up with everybody and stay in step and if a few notes came out the end of my horn on the way they usually weren’t the right ones. I only mention this because you’re doing great at the band part lately, Pisces. That solo you just played was stunning. It’s just that the rest of the band marched onto the field 20 minutes ago and you’re still here. I don’t want you to stop playing, Pisces, I just want to make sure you’re in the right place to be heard.
ARIES
I grew a few tiny pumpkins in my garden this year. They’re still ripening, I guess. Turning from tiny green lumps to tiny orange ones. And they’re not the future jack-o’-lanterns of America that I was hoping for, but they’re what the vine had to offer this year. And it’s good to realize that even if we can’t force things to come out just how we wanted, we — at least — may be the pumpkineers of our own patches. And whatever gourds may come, we know we gave what we had to give. And there will be another growing season sooner than we fear.
TAURUS
Do you guys think all that stuff really happened? I mean, sure, I can believe those kids were smart enough to avoid getting caught by government agents. And I think hiding a short, wrinkly, long-necked magical space-alien in a pile of stuffed animals would probably work. I even buy the thing where he made their bikes fly across the forest to escape. I’m just not sure about the part where everything works out in the end. I mean, things got really bad there for a while and I wonder if they just stuck that happy ending on there to make us all feel better. Anyway, Taurus, I hope things really do work that way. And if they do, I think they might for you.
GEMINI
My uncle got a pizza oven for his birthday and now all he does is stay home and make pizza. It’s all he wants to talk about, too. The other day he said to me, “Hey! Have you ever tried nectarines on a pizza? With crumbled feta?” And now the answer is, remarkably, “Yes.” He used to be really into cycling and painting and birdwatching but now it’s just pizza. Anyway, Gemini, I hope you’re having an interesting enough week, but if you’re tired of doing the same old things you did last week, it’s fine to mix things up a little bit. Like, have you ever had a pizza with sweet potatoes and two layers of black-bean sauce? You haven’t? Maybe you should.
CANCER
I was on an airplane a couple weeks ago. The flight was packed and there was a storm at home so they rerouted us to the Salt Creek Airport. Nobody wanted to go to Salt Creek, but we landed there and they announced that there was no incoming plan from air traffic control and that they couldn’t let us off the plane. Everybody was silent and confused. I could see people shifting around in their seats, irritated. And then I heard a voice from the window seat next to me. They said “Do you want to see a card trick?” Our whole row shifted from frustrated and anxious to interested. We were only two hours late getting home, but by the time we got there we knew each other’s names and were glad for the company. It might be a good week to learn a card trick, Cancer. That or find another way to share and connect when fates are unknown.
LEO
I can’t get enough of this corn on the cob! It’s so good. Just some butter, a little salt and pepper and it’s perfect! Is anything else available on the cob, Leo? No? Just corn? Huh. It seems like our society would do better if we had more things on the cob. We could have joy on the cob. Maybe forgiveness on the cob. Perhaps a deep sense of internal well-being on the cob. Don’t laugh, Leo. I think people would like it. But until the technology exists to cob all the things we don’t have enough of, we’ll just have to settle for corn on the cob. With maybe a side of loving-self-awareness just loose on the plate. Ew. Don’t let it touch my roll.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained family-historian, or an authorized pizza designer. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
