The ghost in my kitchen looks a lot like you, Libra. Now they’re opening all the cabinets and sliding the plates onto the floor one at a time. It’s such a hassle to clean up, but I’ve never figured out how to make it stop. It reminds me, Libra, of the things you do to get our attention besides just asking for it. You deserve to be seen, heard, and understood. You shouldn’t have to break any plates to make that happen.
SCORPIO
After a couple of months of surprise car-repairs and emergency vet-bills, I found myself in need of some extra income. Luckily, the Wandering Hills Motor Spa was hiring for their annual Tube of Trauma: Haunted-Carwash Family-Fun Massacre and Scrub. It’s only three nights a week for the rest of this month. The pay isn’t bad and I think it might be fun dressing up and scaring people while they get their cars washed. I know you’ve been needing a change too, Scorpio. And this might be a good time to make a big one. But may I suggest only making it part time? You don’t have to throw out what you’ve got just to try out something new.
SAGITTARIUS
My favorite ghost story is the first act of Hamlet. It’s cold and dark and very late. And now for the third night in a row the guards see the dead king of Denmark walking along the castle walls. They convince Prince Hamlet to come see. He’s afraid, but more than that he wants to solve the mystery. Is it really his father? Is it a demon impersonating a king? But this ghost, like most, tells his own story and sets a deadly plot in motion. By the end his whole family and more haunt these castle grounds. Don’t let the past drag you in, Sagittarius. “Remember me,” it says. And of course you remember. But you don’t have to follow the path the past sets.
CAPRICORN
Bats were the first mammals to evolve flight. They beat humans by about 52 million years. Human flight, of course, involves a lot more heavy machinery and governmental regulation. Bats are far more elegant and use it a lot more sensibly. For instance, the bats in my backyard use flight to eat insects (which were flying for about 300 million years before bats) and then they go to bed. My uncle Balthazaar uses flight to go see the Doobie Brothers in as many cities as possible (he’s up to 41, last I heard) he listens to the music, eats no insects, and then he goes to bed. You were born to fly, Capricorn, and at just the right time. Fly somewhere useful. Fly somewhere you love.
AQUARIUS
Tonight I showed up for my first shift at the Tube of Trauma: Haunted-Carwash Family-Fun Massacre and Scrub. I figured they’d dress me up as one of the undead firemen who rinse your hood with the hot-wax after the ecto scrub. If not that, I thought I could be the zombie french revolutionary who runs the guillotine-gate-arm where you pay. Or, at the least, they could make me the unraveling-mummy who rolls around on your hood to dry off your car when you’re done. But no. They put me on vacuums. I’m dressed as a regular guy and I walk around and unclog the vacuums whenever they get clogged. If you feel a lack of suction between yourself and your assigned path, Aquarius, you may need to get in there and pull out the clog. Or you may need to find a new path altogether.
PISCES
I see you, Pisces. Walking in the room with nothing but a vicious smile and a mysterious suitcase. And I know you want us all to wonder what you keep in there. Something valuable or something dangerous? Would it glow or shriek or tumble to the ground? I don’t know and I don’t have any guesses, but I’m sure of one thing, Pisces: you’ve never even opened it. You’ve kept your secret so well, you don’t know what it is. So get yourself alone. Close the door. And open your suitcase. Once you really understand what’s in there you can decide if you want to show anybody else.
ARIES
It’s like how the sound of the leaf blower coming from the cemetery across the street makes you feel suddenly and deeply sad — but it isn’t because of all those coffins already in the ground. It’s more about the time when your dad raked up all the leaves in your backyard and you would run and jump into them and laugh and the leaves would scatter and then he’d smile and rake them all up again. And then you realize that none of that stays, that it all separates and blows away, and you kind of just want it to hurry up and end. If it’s all going away, let’s just get it over with. But there’s piles to go before you sleep, Aries. And some of them might even make you laugh. Learn to love the leaves you’re in and learn to let them blow away.
TAURUS
It’s only my second night working at the Tube of Trauma: Haunted-Carwash Family-Fun Massacre and Scrub and I think maybe I just got my big break! They’ve had me working as a vacuum cleaner-cleaner but I decided I want to show them I can do more. So I take the bent coat-hanger that they gave me to de-clog the vacuums with and I pull it up into my sleeve so it looks like an old rusty hook-hand and when customers drive up to the vacuums I wave it around and shout “Could you lend me a HAND? I’ve been under so much pressure!” And then I hold out a pressure gauge and offer to check their tires. Anyway, Armando who owns the Motor Spa heard I was doing great work and I think I might get a promotion! Sometimes, Taurus, you’ve got to improvise with what you’ve got. Sometimes people notice.
GEMINI
I feel like these socially conscious horror movies are getting a little ethically inconsistent. For instance, I was watching Gentrifier IV: The New Neighbors and first the heroine uses a chainsaw to eviscerate the possessed Cyber Truck that’s chasing her through the cul de sac, and in the very next scene she stops the encroaching mud-realtor army by buying carbon offsets for the gasoline she used to burn down the killer WASP’s nest in her neighbors pool. Anyway, Gemini, I think you should live out your principles but stay aware of when you start dehumanizing the enemies who have already dehumanized you.
CANCER
Was it Billy Corgan or Stephanie Meyer who first said, “The world is a vampire?” In any case, Cancer, when I scroll the feed that the algorithm has created just for me, and I see the politicians and the influencers and even the prophets and teachers I know that I’ve been sucked-in. And I think it’s true, this vampire has my attention all day long. I’ve been glamoured and I can’t fight my focus away from this endless stream of blood. But maybe today, for just half an hour or so, we can try. Put the phone down, Cancer. Look at a tree or a duck or somebody you love. You’re not just a rat in a cage. You still get to choose. Jacob or Edward?
LEO
Tonight when I showed up for my shift at the Tube of Trauma: Haunted-Carwash Family-Fun Massacre and Scrub everything was in total chaos. Apparently last night Armando fired Ronnie, the guy who plays Hose-Feratu, which is one of the biggest spraying roles in the whole car wash. Anyway, Armando asked me if I could learn the part, even though I’ve never even been a scrubber, much less a sprayer. The bald-cap fit, so I’ve been trying to memorize my lines and tonight’s first cars are already honking at the gate. “I have waited for you. I have waited too long. Turn off your lights and secure your door lock!” I’m so nervous that I’ll forget my lines and make a fool of myself, Leo. But if I back out now, I’ll always wonder if I could have been great. It’s a good day to step forward into the sunrise and find out who else you can be.
VIRGO
Why is smiling creepy, Virgo? Shouldn’t it be the most natural, friendly, expressive thing we do? But sometimes I’m thinking about everything that’s happening in the world right now and then I see an acquaintance and they look at me and they smile and I assume they must not be sane. How could you smile when the world has so much suffering? But I’m trying to look at it another way, Virgo. We smile to lift each other up. We smile because when life is this painful, we’ve got to stay connected. We need to say with our faces what we can’t say with our voices — that even if I feel alone and sometimes hopeless, I’m glad when I see you.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained vacuum repairman, or a registered hearse. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
