I’m from the olden times, Libra. When VHS tapes were an exciting technology we could use to watch the best movies from 18 months prior in the comfort of our own living room. But now whenever I see VHS tapes as a plot device, they’re intended to be creepy. Wavy lines move down a grainy, dimly lit scene and the paranormal investigators lean forward. Was it a message from the other world? My dad would have just knocked the top of the VCR a couple times and turned up the brightness on the screen. There we go. It’s just “The Last Starfighter” again. If things are feeling too eerie this week, Libra. Give the old machine a jostle and turn a couple dials. I think things might be clearing up.
SCORPIO
My drive home from work usually involves passing lots of chain-restaurants, quickly-constructed new homes, and some run-down apartment complexes. So today I was surprised to see new signs that said things like “Corn Maze — 1 Mile” and “Can You Escape The Corn Maze?” and “Terrifying Corn Maze — Next Left.” And then, Scorpio, I couldn’t believe it. There was a corn field. Right where the Best Buy and the IHOP used to be, I think. Sometimes, Scorpio, the signs are telling you exactly what’s coming, but you still have a hard time expecting it. And, ready or not, it seems you’ve arrived. So I guess I’ll pay the guy $18 and we can both head into this maze. Hope I’ll see you on the other side. I think you’re ready.
SAGITTARIUS
I was in the produce aisle when I caught a whiff of something spicy and magical. So I weaved between the apples, onions and avocados until I found it. A cinnamon broom! Amazing! But what are these things for? It’s not a great broom. Kinda falls apart when you sweep with it. You can’t eat it. Is it just supposed to sit in the corner and smell good? Why don’t they make more scented tools? A nutmeg dustpan? A clove shovel? Anyway, I shouldn’t be allowed at the grocery store, Sagittarius. And you should add something to your life that’s frivolous and maybe smells good. A cardamom chainsaw? We’ll see.
CAPRICORN
Last night I dreamt you and me were working in some kind of candy-skull factory. There was a long conveyor belt and my job was to control the speed. These little boxes would come down the conveyer belt and you had to put skulls in them. And you kept missing the boxes and knocking them off onto the floor. But then you’d look at me and say, “Go faster. I want it faster!” So I’d turn up the speed and the mess would just get worse. Anyway, Capricorn, it reminded me that I think you’re doing a great job, but you’re allowed to slow down if you want. You’ve got plenty of time before my alarm clock goes off.
AQUARIUS
I wasn’t expecting to end up in a mysterious corn maze today, and, yet, here I am. Three turns in and already feeling a little lost. Maybe I should go back to the start? Let’s see, was that a left and two rights or two lefts and a right? Or was there an extra turn before the…oh, I see, it’s a dead-end. Well, Aquarius, we know going backward isn’t the way to get to what’s next. So let’s see what’s at the end of this row and then…ah. Right. Another dead-end. This doesn’t mean we won’t get where we’re going, Aquarius. It just might take a little more trial-and-error than we’d planned for. Maybe slow-down your expectations. You’re in the mapping phase. You can take your time.
PISCES
You survived today, Pisces. I know you didn’t think you would. And there might have even been a little bit of relief to the idea that you wouldn’t. But you did. And now here you are. And there’s this whole other next day sprawled out in front of you. What do you think you’ll do with this one? I think you’ll do more than just survive it. I think you’ll stop seeing this as one more day to make it through and start to see it as a gift to be fully lived. And I hope you’ll move toward the places that fill you up and the people who love you. Survival was a good start. Now let’s do living.
ARIES
I was just settling-in to my comfy chair for a long evening of indecisively switching shows on my TV when I heard a mighty “Fuhplunk!” just outside my front door. I jumped. What could have made that sound? But then it dawned on me. Last week I ordered a weighted-blanket online. It must be here. Sounds like it weighs a lot. I hope it isn’t blocking the door. And I hope that when I drape the weighted blanket over myself, it covers me with a deep sense of being held and protected and smooshed. But before I open that box that may change my life forever, I wanted to remind you, Aries, that there is a sense of warmth and weight and comfort just on the other side of whatever you’re feeling. Because it’s in you already. “Fuhplunk!” Go and get it.
TAURUS
I guess most people don’t go into a mysterious corn maze in the middle of a work day. But we’re not most people, Taurus. How long do you figure we’ve been in here? Weird that they wouldn’t let us bring our phones. I guess the sun was at about mid-sky when we first realized we were lost and now it’s about a hand’s-width from the horizon. I assumed we’d run into more people in here to ask for tips. That weird tall scarecrow guy wasn’t very helpful at all. What do you think he meant by “No way out” anyway? Sometimes, Taurus, there just isn’t anybody to ask for advice. But I think you can trust yourself on this one. I trust you, too.
GEMINI
Have you tried that new brunch place, Wake Apnea? I heard they have a fantastic seasonal pecan-pumpkin-roll-gingerbread-and-butter French toast that is guaranteed to leave you stunned and slumped in your booth for at least two hours after eating. Just be sure to scan the parking code before you take the first bite. But if all you want is to stop feeling your life for a couple of hours, Gemini, I’m gonna recommend you skip the brunch and try sitting in unsatiated silence for 20 minutes while you experience the movement of your breath and observe the flow of your thoughts. It’s kind of the opposite of french toast. You’ll feel everything. But if you aren’t trying to avoid it, it takes on a different flavor. Is that nutmeg?
CANCER
I took down the halloween box from the storage closet because I thought I could have fun decorating the apartment real quick. I took out the skull-shaped laser pointer my old cat Vember used to love. Then there was the vampire-dog costume that Fajita used to wear on our long fall walks. And the one remaining wolfman glove that my brother made — he used to chase me around the house when we were kids. Maybe this box is sad? I love the fall, Cancer. But there’s always a little extra grief here too, hidden under the crunchy leaves. So we let it come. And we hang the plastic skeleton in the doorway and feel whatever shows up.
LEO
Well, there goes the sun. I really didn’t expect to still be in this corn maze after dark. But if we’re going to be lost out here all night, at least we’ve got each other, Leo. Right, Leo? Leo? Oh. I guess I lost you back there somewhere. I’m pretty sure I’ve been down this lane already. Maybe a few times? All these turns in the dark and I’m all alone and I’m getting creeped-out. Why did I pay for this? And what if I never make it home? Why was I born? Oh, wait! There you are! Standing by the sign that reads “Exit,” waving a flashlight. Sometimes it’s hard to keep going when your head starts spinning in circles. But, I guess it’s just one step after the other and, eventually, you’re through.
VIRGO
Do you ever find yourself standing really close to a mirror in a dimly-lit room? And as you stare into your own eyes do you get that creepy feeling that the person staring back at you is somebody else? A stranger you’ve never even met? Yeah, that doesn’t happen to me either, Virgo. But if it did, I’d stay with it. I’d ask the person in the mirror what they have to tell me about myself. I’d try to find out how my expectations of myself differ from the reflection of reality. Because we’re never exactly who we think we are. And a good stare in a mirror might be a start at understanding that.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered cornsolver, or a trained haunted mirror technician. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
