Hoboscopes: October 25, 2023

SCORPIO

The leaves fell all at once this year. You may not have noticed. I just happened to be looking out the window at the exact moment that they dropped. Never a single leaf winding through the air. Just a muffled thump and suddenly there were no more leaves on trees. Just layers and layers of reds, oranges, browns and yellows piled on the ground. It feels like that sometimes, Scorpio. A change that happens all at once. You were expecting it, but you thought it would be more gradual and now here you are. Give yourself some credit and some time to catch up. And if you have to rake, just do one section at a time.

SAGITTARIUS

They sucked the blood right out of me, Sagittarius. Took every drop they wanted. Poked a needle in my arm and told me to make a fist. Then they gave me a lollipop and sent me home to wait for results. Just the standard battery of tests. All the things they check for in folks my age. And now I have to wait, Sagittarius. That’s the scary part. Up to five business days! Do you think it’s been a business day yet? That’s shorter than a regular day, right? Because of labor laws? Ugh. Breathe in with me, Sagittarius. And try not to think about all the possibilities. The best we can do is be in the present moment. Move that nervous imagination toward hope and away from fear.

CAPRICORN

There’s a kid in a wolfman mask on the swingset in the park down the street. She’s been at it for a while now. Up and down. Back and forth. Honestly she reminds me of you, Capricorn. She’s putting in the work and seeing results. Up and down. Back and forth. She gets a little higher and then the chain goes a little slack and she decides to reign it in. Up and down. Back and forth. It’s not about how high you go, Capricorn, it’s about how you keep going. And it’s also about knowing when to stop swinging altogether. Up and down. Back and forth. And take a breather in the sandbox.

AQUARIUS

You know how it goes, Aquarius. There’s a genie, or a blue fairy, or a monkey’s paw. And you get to make a wish. But you have to do it carefully, because, well, you know how it goes. So you just freeze there, with your eyes fixed on the lamp or the star or the ancient talisman and you don’t say a word. What if you say what you want but then you find out it wasn’t really what you wanted? Well, Aquarius, I’m afraid the only way to find out is to say it. Maybe just practice with a regular non-wish-granting person. Talk it out and see how it sounds.

PISCES

Is this it? Is this the call? I thought I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket, but it was just my hand trembling on the TV remote. Sorry, Pisces, I’m extra-nervous today. Waiting on test-results is the worst. My doctor said he’d call as soon as they came in, but that was 36 hours ago! Should I call the office? What if they forgot? What if it’s really bad and nobody there wants to tell me? What if they’re laughing at how low my B12 is? I know, I know, there are some things we can’t control. And the stories we make up are always worse than reality, because reality is only ever just the one thing. But could you sit with me while we wait? We can watch that friendly baking show.

ARIES

Vampire bats are the only mammal that feeds only on blood. It’s hypothesized that their ancestors were insectivores who ate the bugs that were attracted to the wounds of larger mammals. Eventually they found they could get better nutrition going right to the wound itself. Over generations, they learned to make their own wounds with subtle bites from their sharp teeth. What about you, Aries, are you happy with the bugs? The little bits of fulfillment that buzz around the thing you really want? Or are you ready to go right for the vein?

TAURUS

What a perfect day, Taurus. We should do something! We could go to that farm where they let you pick apples or we could drive out of town and look at the trees in their fall colors. Then we could go to the get-together at Leo’s place and roast marshmallows and tell spooky stories. Grab a jacket and I’ll fill up a thermos with cider. Unless you don’t feel like it, Taurus. Because that’s totally legit, too. If you’re tired of hearing how perfect it is and you want to stay in and play Lords of the Fallen 2, I can’t see anything wrong with that.

GEMINI

Looks like I just missed a call from my doctor’s office. I guess this is probably the end for me, Gemini. Before I call them back, I just wanted to let you know that I know I’ve given you a hard time in the past, but it’s only because you’re one of my favorite signs. Also, I should remind you that this is a great day to return the messages you’ve left un-replied to. Texts, emails, calls, whatever you’ve been avoiding. It will probably go better than you think. Now, hand me my phone so I can call my doctor back and find out how many weeks I have to live.

CANCER

When you’re a kid the weather changes all at once. It’s hot in the summer and cool in the fall. You get what you expect and that’s how it’s supposed to be. You run through the sprinkler and then jump in the leaves and then make a snowman and that’s how it goes. But grownups talk about the weather like they just discovered it. Every day is full of risk and surprise. “What if if storms? How can it be this cold already? Should I bring the plants inside?” Just for today, Cancer, be more like you were as a kid. Take what comes and accept it as it is and plan your joy inside of it.

LEO

It’s like when they put spaghetti and grapes in the covered box and make you put your hand in it and then they tell you it’s eyeballs and guts. What I’m getting at, Leo, is that reality is sometimes different than feelings. It feels like right now is crucial–so big and so important. It feels like you have to keep squeezing or everything is going to fall apart. But in the long run, Leo, it’s just spaghetti and grapes. Go wash your hands and look at the clouds outside.

VIRGO

Well, my doctor finally got back to me with the results of my physical, Virgo. You were right, it wasn’t all that much to worry about. They want me to cut back on sugar and go for a walk five times a week. That is gonna be a little tricky because I’ve got all this bulk halloween candy. And, honestly. I never get trick-or-treaters. Maybe I could go for a walk around the neighborhood and just take it door-to-door. A little reverse-holiday action. How many walks do you think it will take to get rid of the whole case? New patterns are hard, Virgo. Start with something that sounds fun.

LIBRA

Can I borrow a tissue, Libra? Don’t worry, I’m not sick. It’s just allergies, but they sure are hitting hard today. It’s hard to admit sometimes that you’re being affected by the greater world around you. That those little bits of story that you pick up from everywhere you look get into your head and make everything less clear. You can’t stop breathing it in, but I think you could stop and notice what it is you’re feeling. And what it’s connected to. Can you do anything to change it? Maybe so. Start there.