There were a lot of movies I wasn’t allowed to watch when I was a kid. My friends would come to school quoting lines from the latest slasher-flick that they saw on late-night cable. “How sweet! Fresh meat!” I would nod and laugh and pretend I knew what they were talking about. Then I’d go home and watch more Scooby Doo. But now that we’re all grown up, Libra, we’re allowed to watch whatever we want! It’s pretty disorienting. There may be some limitations you’re holding yourself to that you don’t need anymore, Libra. Maybe it’s a good day to try something you’ve been afraid of. Personally, I’m gonna go watch all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. Maybe I’ll call my mom first, just to make sure it’s really ok.
SCORPIO
Wes Craven’s seminal work, A Nightmare on Elm Street, is an exploration of humanity’s relationship to fear. Are we nothing more than soft, slashable flesh – as vulnerable in our waking life as in our dreams? Or are we capable of overcoming the terrors that stalk us? Can we take the power away from the ever-pursuing dread simply by turning away from it? You’ve been losing sleep, Scorpio, trying to fight the anxieties of daily life and to dodge nightmares you feel you can’t control. But is it possible those forces only have as much influence over you as the attention you give them? Take a walk or even a nap. Maybe go jump-rope with those kids down the street.
SAGITTARIUS
My therapist says I need to take steps to reclaim my attention span. Ok, I don’t really have a therapist, but this book I’m reading says I need to reclaim my attention span. Alright, Sagittarius, you got me. It was a podcast. I mean a clip from a podcast. Ok, yes, I guess I scrolled past a post with a headline about a clip from a podcast that says I need to reclaim my attention span. Anyway, Sagittarius, if you’ve got a few minutes today, try reading something longer than a horoscope. Or maybe even have a conversation without looking at your phone. My therapist says it’s a skill you can build.
CAPRICORN
The uncarved pumpkin on my front porch already has a soft-spot on top. Last year’s porch pumpkin made it nearly six months before it gave out, but this one’s already on its way to the compost pile. You never really know what’s gonna last, Capricorn. Sometimes the things you think will be around forever can’t even make it through the fall. Some things stay with you much longer than you wished. Part of your work this week is rolling with that unknowable constant. You can’t control what stays and what goes. But you can learn a lot by watching a pumpkin decompose.
AQUARIUS
A Nightmare on Elm Street II: Freddy’s Revenge is a meditation on the damage we can do when we try to manage our secrets instead of getting them out in the open and taking responsibility for them. I guess most of us aren’t secretly possessed by an unstoppable, beclawed, murderous vengeance spirit, but most of us do have some area in our lives that we’re trying to manage instead of share. What’s the part of you you’re afraid to talk about, Aquarius? You don’t have to tell me, but it seems like a good day to tell somebody. Before things get profoundly out of hand at the pool-party.
PISCES
I had to get up early this morning for work. Sandra called out sick, so I picked up an extra morning shift at the Wandering Hills Super-Video and Tan. I stepped out the front door and was immediately overwhelmed by the moonless pre-dawn sky. The stars were so clear and the universe — it’s just so vast. I’ve seldom been as aware that I’m standing on a planet. With my feet on the surface and my head reaching into the atmosphere. And at first I felt very small and insignificant and then I felt that reverse. Because what could be more important than to stand in the dark and notice where you are? And I thought of you, Pisces. You’re right where you’re supposed to be. Stand up and look around. It’s stunning.
ARIES
Yes, Aries, of course I remembered to pick up the coffee on the way over. This one’s mine and here’s your decaf. Or, wait. Maybe this one’s your decaf and mine’s the one in my…left hand? Sorry. Give me a second. I had this figured out in the car, but then which one did I pick up first? Ok, I’m 80% sure that this one is mine and this one…is the decaf. Tell you what, Aries, I’ll drink both of these on my way to get you another decaf. We can’t be too careful. Don’t sacrifice needs for somebody else’s disorganization.
TAURUS
Slasher movies are often warnings about the hubris of isolation and fate’s cruel volatility. But A Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors tells the story of the power of friendship and communication to overcome even the most powerful rivals. If you’re having trouble building a team, Taurus, remember that you’ve got me. Aquarius and Scorpio said they’d help out too just as soon as their TV show is over. I know you’ve got a lot to handle right now, but grab some holy water and a shovel and I think we can get this knocked out before morning. Sometimes it just takes the right combination of people and a willingness to stay awake.
GEMINI
Picture a mango, Gemini. Can you see it? Or maybe you’re the one out of five people who don’t really visualize images in their minds. If that’s the case, Gemini, just hold the idea of mango-ness in your head. Can you imagine the feel of mango skin? Can you smell it? Imagine the taste and texture. The mind is an amazing place to have a mango, Gemini, but it still can’t feed you. If you want the mango of your imagination to become the fuel for future thoughts, you’re going to have to go get one. You’ve got the goal. Now take the steps to get there.
CANCER
Is it usually so warm this time of year, Cancer? I feel like when I was a kid we were deep into jacket weather by now. I’m sure it’s coming. The trees think it is. Every time the warm breeze blows, an army of crunchy brown leaves comes marching down my street. I guess we and the trees can prepare for things to be how they’ve always been while we keep our eyes open to changes. I’m buying some more shorts on clearance this fall. Worst case scenario I’ll have a wider assortment to choose from in the spring. What are you doing to stay ready?
LEO
In A Nightmare on Elm Street IV: The Dream Master we follow a seemingly powerless and confused protagonist as she overcomes her self-doubt and activates her own potential. It made me think of you, Leo, because you’ve done a lot of that already. You’re starting to understand just how capable you are. But that doesn’t mean you’re destined to be the lonely final girl. Your power will resonate even more if you use it to bring us with you. When you look in the mirror, I hope you know you’re not alone. We’ve got your back. Just remember what you’ve learned and we might all make it to the next sequel.
VIRGO
Everybody wants to start a reformation lately, Virgo. They say we need a whole new way of thinking about the world. And everybody trying to start a reformation says they know that new right way of thinking. I wish them well, I really do. They might just save us all. But you and I, Virgo, might be better off starting a renaissance. Let’s paint the ceilings and chisel the rocks into something beautiful. Let’s turn reality into art and then art back into reality. Let’s discover what’s good in the world and try to figure out why. While the reformation is out there trying to get televised, you and I will be looking at the sky, counting Jupiter’s moons. Find the beauty today or make it.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained dream master, or an authentic fuzzy striped sweater. If you die reading your Hoboscope, you die in real life!* Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1. (*We don’t think this has ever happened.)
