Every October the convenience store at the end of my block redecorates as a morality-play about the dangers of stealing from convenience stores. You walk in and there’s a scene of a kid stealing candy. You go to the next aisle and it’s the same kid only older, stealing sunglasses. Over the visit, you watch him progress into a hardened-criminal and in the last aisle he’s being arrested while his disappointed father points an accusing finger at him over by the allergy medicine. I think they lay it on a little heavy, Libra. Nobody’s journey is linear and justice isn’t usually very obvious. If you’re afraid your next step is inevitable, it’s probably not.
SCORPIO
Sometimes I think about Monstro the Whale. I wonder if he ever figured things out and got on with it. If you’ve forgotten, Scorpio, Monstro was the whale who swallowed Pinocchio and Gepetto. He was so angry back then, just chasing and eating everything in his path. Those two built a fire in his belly and he sneezed them out. But he was so furious, Scorpio. It seemed like he would have chased them forever. Anger feels like that, Scorpio. Like you could just keep raging in one direction forever. But you don’t have to. I hope Monstro has found a way to hold his resentments more loosely. Maybe taken some responsibility for his rampage. You can too, Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS
Horror movies these days are all like, “What if a robotaxi was haunted?” Picture it, Sagittarius, a tormented spirit possessing an autonomous cab that develops an unstoppable craving for human suffering? It drives on its own, disregarding traffic laws as well as the screams of its victims. But would you still use the app, Aquarius? I do have a lot of places to go and not a lot of patience for chatty drivers. And I mean, what technology isn’t already haunted on some level? My convenience is so often connected to a stranger’s pain. Don’t try to hold all that at once, but maybe think about where you’re willing to absorb inconvenience for somebody you’ll never meet.
CAPRICORN
My neighbor moved out of her house a couple months ago. She couldn’t keep up with the place anymore so she moved in with her kids. And the house just sits there. Empty. Yesterday I saw a raccoon in the attic window. And I wonder if he’s just got free reign of the place. Maybe he’s down in the kitchen making a sandwich. Maybe he’s flipping channels on the big-screen. Maybe he’s just washing his little raccoon-hands in the sink for hours on end. Anyway, Capricorn, I hope you aren’t too lonely today. And if there’s not enough going on at your place, maybe you should get outside. Maybe rummage through something or meet up with some friends.
AQUARIUS
Somebody told me there’s a full documentary film crew following you around, Aquarius. Cameras, lights, invasive questions, long pauses — and they never leave you alone for even one second. And I wonder, Aquarius, why would you subject yourself to all that? I mean, sure, everybody wants to be understood. We all want to be known and loved for who we are. I just wonder if there’s a better way to get there. Maybe this week try going out with just one person. Sitting down with just one person. Makeup optional. Don’t document any of it. Just be as honest as you can and hope they do the same.
PISCES
There’s an enormous moth on my screen door. It looks almost identical to the leaves that fall off the tree out back, a deep yellow with brown spots and black edges. And I know it started as a caterpillar. It lived a whole caterpillar life, crawling and eating. And then that caterpillar life ended and something else emerged. And it’s a beautiful moth. But it had to go through all that to get to my screen door. And I think of what you’ve been through, Pisces. And I think of what you’ve become. And I think you’ve really arrived at something lately. Fly as far as you want.
ARIES
Did you ever read that book about that teenage girl who was raised in a really restrictive home and she has to go to an awful public school where she’s terribly bullied by all the girls in her gym class? I think they made a movie of it, too. If I remember it right, Aries, things get really bad but then she explains to her classmates that she doesn’t like being bullied, so everybody apologizes for the misunderstanding. They become great friends and then they all have a fantastic time at prom. Actually, maybe I never finished that book, Aries, but it does remind me that it’s always a good idea to ask for what you need before things get out of hand.
TAURUS
There was a time in America when every stage in every club had a ska band playing real American ska music. A bass player in a suit and tie adjusted his fedora while syncopated trumpet-blasts harmonized with no fewer than two trombones. And in this glorious past, there was always one man on stage unlike the others. He was dressed to the nines, but he had no horn, no guitar, and no microphone. He wasn’t there to be heard. He was there to skank. He would kick in rapid-fire while his long arms waved at his side. Smiling or dead-pan-serous, he never stopped moving till the music was over. Who in your life won’t stop skanking you back to the beat, Taurus? Thank them today..
GEMINI
Everyone knows that if you get bitten by a werewolf, you become a werewolf. What nobody talks about is all the chewing. Ever since I got bit, I can’t stop gnawing on everything I see. This is the third pair of running shoes I’ve ripped to shreds this week and it’s still two weeks from the full moon. When I get off work, all I want to do is curl up in my crate and lazily maw some rawhide. Anyway, Gemini, you’re changing lately too. And some of it is amazing! But keep an eye out for habits you don’t really want to spend your time on. You have a choice.
CANCER
You’re alone at home. You’ve just finished microwaving a leftover burrito-bowl. You sit down in front of the TV and press “play” on the spooky movie you’re already halfway through. And, just then, the phone rings. Strange. Why was your ringer even on? It’s a number you don’t know but you answer anyway. A stranger’s voice asks a strange question. “Have you voted yet, Cancer?” You throw the phone across the room with a shudder. You forgot! It’s too late. You suddenly wake up in bed, drenched in sweat, your heart pounding. It was just a dream. There’s still time. Or is there?
LEO
I got one of those spooky flashing light bulbs to put out front so trick-or-treaters know I’ve got candy. But maybe I installed it too early because it’s been keeping me awake all week. It’s just so sporadic. It flashes for a few seconds, stays steady-on for most of a minute, turns off completely for a 5-count and then goes back to flashing. I can just barely see it through the window, but the lack of a pattern is too much to sleep through. Honestly, that’s how everything feels lately, Leo. We just never know what’s coming next. If the unexpected and the possible are keeping you awake, try getting some black-out-curtains for your brain. Whatever puts you back in the moment and keeps you out of fearing what’s next.
VIRGO
Now I guess I know what they meant by Scream 7. This restaurant is always so noisy and the hostess keeps asking “How many are in your party?” and I keep gesturing back to my amateur astrology club and I assume this must be the plot of that movie because I’ve screamed “seven!” so many times that Dr. Conundra is about to walk out on this whole event and then I’ll just be screaming “six!” Anyway, Virgo, it’s great to get together with people. But if you want to deepen relationships, make sure to pick a venue where everybody can relax.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered Waymo driver, or a trained werewolf veterinarian. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
