The leaves change colors, Scorpio. They just do. They fall off the trees and then they come back when they’re ready. You can’t stop it if you try. If your favorite thing is when everything is green and full, that’s great! It’s not that way right now, but it’s going to be again. If your favorite thing is when everything is red and yellow and piling up and blowing around, well, I’ve got good news! But also bad news, because this can only last so long. And if you like those bare branches and trees you can see right through, well, your time is coming, but you have to go through this with the rest of us. Because things change. They just do.
SAGITTARIUS
Apparently zebras have excellent eyesight. I would guess it’s because the eyecharts on doctors office walls don’t usually have Zs until the 6th or 7th row down, and, naturally, zebras are always on the lookout for Zs so they’ve got to keep those eye muscles in good shape if you want to focus on the most Zs. It reminds me, Sagittarius, that sometimes the thing we see the most of is the thing we’re looking for. When you’re looking around lately and all you see is the worst, try thinking of the thing you’d like to see instead. Now start looking for that.
CAPRICORN
When you took driver’s ed, did the instructor’s car have that thing where there was another brake pedal on the passenger side? How do you get a car like that, Capricorn? I mean, theoretically, if I was in the passenger seat and you were driving and I thought it was a good time for you to stop but you just had your foot down on the accelerator, wouldn’t it be nice if I could maybe just ease on the brake and slow things down a little. I guess that would be pretty jarring for the driver in a non-educational setting, but I was just wondering if you thought it was a good idea. Maybe you should pull over up here and we can talk about it?
AQUARIUS
You’ll wait for a clear, moonless night, Aquarius. Actually, first you’ll go to Puerto Rico and then you’ll wait for a clear, moonless night. There’s a specific bay in the northern part of the island where you’ll take a kayak after dark and every time your oar moves through the water you’ll see a greenish glow. When you look closer you’ll realize the water is full of countless tiny lights. Each one is a type of bioluminescent plankton that lights up when the water is agitated by a kayak, an oar, or your hand in the water. It’s a pure and rare experience of natural wonder, Aquarius. But if you can’t go all the way to Puerto Rico, just wait for a clear, moonless night and find a place to look up at the sky. The stars are the phytoplankton of the sky, I always say. And there is wonder to be had if you’ll look for it.
PISCES
I’d love to come to your party, Pisces, but I’m afraid to drive at night. I mean, I’m not always afraid to drive at night, but it’s just that last month I realized I had a headlight out. I know, it’s just a headlight and it shouldn’t be a big deal. I went and bought a bulb last week, but I’ve been really busy and I never put it in. And then yesterday I realized the other headlight had burned out too. Now I’ve got two dead headlights and just one bulb and you know how I am with decisions, Pisces. So for now I’m only driving when the sun’s out which seems like less and less these days. Decisions are hard, but sometimes you just have to pick one.
ARIES
I think of you in that house where you grew up. You changed so much while you lived there. Year after year you got taller and smarter and more capable. And then you moved away, Aries, and you learned all kinds of new things and tried different ways of being and you became the person you are now. But I still think of you in that house. And how you changed and where you’ve gone. And I wonder why you think things aren’t gonna change anymore. Surely this is the new permanent state of things, right? But think about that house and remember that change is going to keep happening. You might think that sounds scary, but I can’t wait to see what’s next.
TAURUS
So who do we blame for all this, Taurus? There are so many things in the world that aren’t the way I wish they were. In fact, my phone is mostly just a little machine that tells me all about the things I wish were different than they are. And since you’re just one tiny person and I can’t control any of those things, it would be nice to have somebody to blame. And you’d be right. I mean, those things aren’t your fault. But blaming abstract forces and distant leaders is exhausting. For a few minutes today, work on something you love. Reach out to somebody you care about. Do something that gives you energy. And if you have a moment where you realize that you feel better, that’s when you bring out the gratitude. It might be the antidote for blame.
GEMINI
Hot air balloons are back, Gemini! They’re big, they’re beautiful, they light up the night sky and this time, they’re not backing down. It’s gonna be a glorious new age of low-passenger, high flamboyance air travel. There are still a few kinks to work out, like your commute to work could now be anywhere from 8 minutes to 6 hours, depending on which way the wind is blowing. But that’s all part of the charm, Gemini. You’ve just got to plan in some extra basket-time and bring a book. You’ll probably be great at that, Gemini, since you’ve been floating around and being unsure where to land for a while now. If you decide not to get a hot air balloon, Gemini, I hope you’ll at least choose your next starting place. Remember, you can always try something else later. Dirigibles are gonna be huge in 2027.
CANCER
I’m so impressed by your openness to new experiences and your willingness to help the people you meet, Cancer, that I’m almost reluctant to say anything. But just in case nobody else has mentioned it, I’ll be the voice of caution. I don’t want you to be afraid of anybody or anything. But I want you to take care of yourself. If you’re giving more than you want to give, take a step away. You get to decide how much of you is up for grabs.
LEO
It’s been a little lonely on my phone lately. For the past few months I’ve been getting lots of texts asking me to give what I can and telling me how important it is to make my voice heard. I never responded to any of them, but they just kept coming. I thought I was annoyed, but now that they stopped texting, I just feel sort of empty. Like what if my voice doesn’t matter anymore? What if I don’t have anything that anybody wants? So I decided my strategy of never replying wasn’t really working for me. Maybe if you’re not hearing from anybody lately, it’s a good time for you to reach out. Let people know that you value them and want to hear their voice.
VIRGO
When do we set our clocks back, Virgo? Wait, you already did? What do you mean it’s only 4:55? I left work an hour ago! It always takes me a few days to adjust to the new way of doing things. Especially since I replaced the clock on my phone with this pocket compass and sun-dial. I appreciate how on top of this you are, but I know there are a few things you’re behind on as well. Let’s both make a list of all the things we still need to get done and then we can meet up to talk them over. I’ll come by around 7:30 your time.
LIBRA
I was going to write you a really extensive summary of your astrological destiny. I was going to include a lot of details about the specific places you should invest your time and the names of the people who you can really trust to build you into the person you were born to be. But after I sat down in this Panera Bread booth and got out my laptop to put you on a new journey of self-discovery, I realized I left my charging cord at home and my battery is down to 4%. So unfortunately Libra, you’ll just have to settle for the advice that the cashier gave me when she handed me my empty drink cup. “If you skip the ice, you can get more drink in the cup.” Keep an eye out for anyplace you can skip the ice this week.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained driver’s ed instructor, or a registered hot-air balloonist. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
