Whoah! Great vibes in here, Scorpio. Wait a second is this regular jazz or (gasp!) Holiday Jazz? I knew it! You tricked me into enjoying the playful piano and bass stylings of holiday jazz! It’s just so warm and pleasant, Scorpio, but I feel I must…resist. Ah! I can’t fight anymore! I’m actually having a pretty great time. Go ahead, Scorpio. Turn up the volume and pass me a cup of whatever nog you’re nogging on. Let’s groove to that hi-hat and practice un-cynically enjoying these easy pleasures as they waft our way.
SAGITTARIUS
As I’m stumbling into the airport, dropping my glasses and patting-down my pockets for my ID, I get a buzz from my phone that says my flight’s been delayed by 15 minutes. And once again my disorganized, scrambling lifestyle is rewarded with a breath of relief. Maybe now I’ve got time to swing by the newsstand for a lemonade and some very expensive almonds. Sometimes we plan badly and things work out anyway. That’s great, Sagittarius! But don’t let it stop you from planning better next time. Sometimes the fates are rooting for you. But you can root for you all the time.
CAPRICORN
The holidays are about family, Capricorn. Of course, so is Alfred Hitchcock’s 1960 genre-defining horror-thriller Psycho. Sure, Norman Bates has an unconventional family, Capricorn, but who doesn’t? I mean, I’ve got a nephew who’s older than me and an aunt I’m not related to at all. And then, well, some people have creepy hotels to run and mothers who can’t be pleased no matter how hard you try. What I’m trying to say, Capricorn, is that the perfect family might be a myth. Spend your holidays with people who make you feel safe and have locks on the bathroom doors.
AQUARIUS
Whenever there’s a meteor shower I always think I’m gonna stay up late, drive south of town until the sky clears up, park on a dirt road, lay on the hood of my car and wait for the light-show. But usually I just fall asleep watching Dancing With The Stars. I mean, it’s cold out there and there’s wild animals on those dirt roads. But I do worry sometimes, Aquarius, that we aren’t getting enough wonder in our lives. If you can’t stay awake for the meteor shower, maybe spend some extra time staring at the clouds tomorrow. Or wondering at the average former TV star’s ability to samba.
PISCES
I was relieved when my flight was delayed 15 minutes. I stopped rushing and even got in the boarding line with time to spare. But now they’ve announced we aren’t taking off for another hour. Apparently, there’s a mechanic stuck in an overhead bin or something? Honestly, I stopped listening after the part about the hour. Anyway, Pisces, this is just your reminder that even when expectations feel reasonable, they’re only expectations. Whichever direction your disappointments hit from today, remember that this is a reality you can live with. It must be, because you’re here and this is reality. At least you’re not stuck in an overhead bin.
ARIES
And here we are at the crossroads. You could go forward. It is, after all, the direction you’re already going. You could go right or left. Both solid options. I’m not really sure where either road goes, but apparently somebody’s been down that way before. Or you could go back the way you came. Nobody would see that coming, Aries, especially the folks you passed on your way here. As an amateur astrologer, I try not to give advice that’s overly specific (how’m I doing?) all I know from The Stars, Aries, is that it’s important for you to notice where you are right now. And it’s important to acknowledge all the options.
TAURUS
My neighbor Bill is out there on the ladder with a hammer and a very long string of tangled lights. He’s got the big multicolored glass ones you can’t really find anymore and he keeps plugging it in and swearing to himself and the whole block as a few bulbs light up but not the rest. I see what’s happening here. He’s got one bulb out and it’s keeping the whole strand from lighting up. At that point, Taurus, all you can do is go one bulb at a time until you find the culprit. It might take a long time, but I think it’s worth it. You’ll find the thing that’s getting in the way of your natural brilliance.
GEMINI
My flight got delayed again and now it looks like I might miss my connection in Cleveland. Which would mean I couldn’t get to my parents house till tomorrow night. But if I swap flights now, I could change planes in Louisville and be home before 10 p.m. But if I miss the transfer, I’ll have to rent a car and probably wouldn’t arrive till Thursday. There are too many possibilities right now, Gemini. And I can’t say whether this is the time for you to jump or the time to stand still, but I would like to point out that every hour that passes there are fewer options on the table.
CANCER
You don’t have to wait, Cancer. And you haven’t missed your chance. Everybody tells you it only happens once and you have to do it right and make it special. But I’m telling you now, you can have Thanksgiving for any meal on any day. Green bean casserole for breakfast on a Monday? Go for it. Cranberry sauce with stuffing and gravy smashed into a roll to eat in the car on the way to the gym? Totally appropriate. The only rule, is that you have to express some gratitude in that moment. So thank the pumpkin for its delicious pie, and gobble it down for elevensies. You are in control.
LEO
When I was a kid I used to worry that my whole life was just an experiment by aliens. My family and friends were just six-eyed green blobs disguised as earth people running experiments on me to see how I would respond. I’m mostly over that now, Leo, but it does point to a question I still can’t get past. How much do we really know anybody else? How much does it matter? As long as we keep trying to be known and sincerely listening to what comes back, does it matter what’s in that black-box brain of the other? That’s the work this week, Leo. Tell the world who you really are and try to assume the world is doing the same.
VIRGO
Well, Virgo, my flight got cancelled. They said they can get me on another one tomorrow, but at this point I think I might just call it. I’ve got the next three days off and I think I’m gonna stay home and finally reorganize my orb-cabinet. What might we accomplish, Virgo, if we let go of the plans that aren’t working and instead used our time for what we actually want? For instance, could you abandon your plans for tonight and come pick me up at the airport?
LIBRA
Who got the wishbone this year, Libra? Because I think I figured out how to beat the system. If I recall, the rules of wishbone are you grab one side, you make a wish, you both pull and whoever gets the big half gets their wish. But what if we both wished for the same thing, Libra? If we can figure out the thing we both need we could use the power of this mystical bird-clavical to bring about a mutually-assured victory! And what if we used that same strategy when deciding what to do with our time and non-bone resources? Just a thought.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained turkey baster, or a certified lightbulb changer. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
