I’ll be right with you, Gemini, but first I need to figure out who keeps putting these needles in my haystack. This is the sixth one this week. They probably think I won’t find them, and I guess it’s possible I’ve missed one or two. But, as you know, I pay a great deal of attention to what goes into my haystack and these needles make me mistrust this entire process. Now I’m worried that finding the person who’s doing this will be like … I can’t think of an adequate metaphor, Gemini, but it will come to me. Try to keep your eyes on the big picture this week, Gemini. I’ll be sorting my haystack.
CANCER
I try not to drink coffee past 3 p.m. I just know that when I have a bad night’s sleep I can usually trace it back to a late afternoon espresso. Of course, today’s different. I mean, I need it today. I’ve got all these horoscopes to write and I can’t be nodding off before I even get to Aquarius. Lucky for you, Cancer, I’m wide awake right now. And I can see that you’ll be looking for a good balance of work and rest. Just trust that whenever you get too much of one, it won’t be long till it balances with the other.
LEO
There was just the one water fountain by the back door to the playground. And after we all spent a hot afternoon playing tetherball or four-square, we’d all line up at that water fountain — sweaty and out of breath. And as each kid’s turn came, the PE teacher would count gulps. 1,2,3 … up to 10. That was all you got. We had a line to get through after all. And here I am 40 years later and whenever I’m extra worn out and thirsty and I start to pound a glass of cold water I realize that I’m counting the gulps and when I get to 10 I stop. And I wonder, Leo, what things you’re doing just because you used to do them that way.
VIRGO
My dad used to tell me “Son, always keep three things in your pocket.” You might expect that this would be followed by a list of three things like “some cash, a stick of gum, and a paperclip” or “your keys, a pocket knife, and a copy of the Constitution.” But my dad never really got that into specifics. I think he just wanted to make sure I was prepared for whatever I needed and he knew that he couldn’t guess what that was. So I pass that advice on to you, Virgo. Find what you need and hang on to it. Keep it at the ready. Three things. Today I’ve got my headphones, a harmonica and a post-it note that says “call your dad” on it.
LIBRA
Alright, Libra, we’re excited and ready for your presentation! If you could go ahead and connect to the network you should be able to share your screen with the projector. Oh, I see. So you brought a USB drive with everything on it? We might be able to plug that … oh you mean you brought, like, a CD with your files? I mean, our IT guy might have an old drive that still takes … Oh, no, Libra. That’s just a piece of orange construction paper where you’ve written “Make Bigger Money!” and surrounded it with dollar signs. You may be a little behind the times, but your ideas are still unarguably great. Stand up there and show us what you’ve got.
SCORPIO
When I want to feel more like Superman, I just dramatically take my glasses off while I square my shoulders and step forward dramatically. But it’s not really doing the trick anymore, Scorpio. I even tried wearing a second pair of glasses under my first pair and taking them off in dramatic succession. Somehow I still just feel like a boring old Clark Kent. It reminds me, Scorpio, that even when we’re not feeling super, we’ve still got what it takes to do what we need to do today. If the cape isn’t helping, go ahead and unfasten it. It might even be what’s slowing you down.
SAGITTARIUS
A friend of mine was complaining about the “current culture of instant offense.” He says everybody just walks around looking for any reason to get their feelings hurt and then hold it against the offender forever. Now I know this particular friend can be pretty sensitive, so I was careful when I asked who he had offended. Then I asked if he had apologized or just made excuses. He said “But I was only joking!” (Then I apologized because I know that “only joking” is very important to his identity.) And then I asked what it would cost him to just say he was sorry without making excuses. And how scary did it sound to ask that person how he could do better in the future. He said he could try. And I guess I can try too. We’re better when we’re trying, Sagittarius.
CAPRICORN
Do you think this is going to be more of a local anesthetic situation or would you like to be put all the way under? I know you’ve been in some pain lately, Capricorn, and I know the easiest thing is often to turn it all the way off in whatever way you can. I’m more of a local guy, I’ll just ignore the part where the pain lives. But I think there’s an even better way to get through some of this, Capricorn. And I’m afraid it involves going un-numbed. Just try looking right at that pain. Notice exactly what it feels like. Where are the edges? Notice where it stops. Describe it to yourself as specifically as you can. I think you’re going to make it through this.
AQUARIUS
A recent study showed that 80 percent of Aquarians think of themselves as at least 25 percent more concerned with the truth than 60 percent of Libras. That’s why I’m sure you’ll be disappointed to hear that that’s a statistic I just made up. Somehow it feels true, though, doesn’t it? And it’s good to remember that most people believe that they’re interested in the truth. And just about everybody is ready to fall for made up statistics as long as they reinforce what we already think. 75 percent of ameteur astrologers think you can be more cautious about what statistics you believe this week. (And, no, I can’t tell you how I answered that survey.)
PISCES
People used to tell me that the older they got, the less they cared about what everybody else thinks of them. That hasn’t really been my experience, Pisces. Maybe I’ve just got some personal work to do, but the older I get the more worried I am that I’m disappointing everyone. But maybe I’m just assigning my own feelings about myself to other people who aren’t thinking about me much at all? Thanks for helping me think this through, Pisces. I hope you’re not disappointed that I didn’t have much astrological wisdom for you. But maybe I’m not too worried about it.
ARIES
These new noise cancelling headphones were expensive, but they’re great! Whenever I’m trying to work I get so overwhelmed by the noise from my fridge and my fish tank and the train down the street and then I pop these things in and shhhwow, it’s just all gone. So I asked the guy at the headphone store if they make these for brains. Like just something I could pop in there to stop all those unwanted and distracting thoughts that pull me away from the moment I’m in. He said the best solution he’s found isn’t blocking out the thoughts, it’s acknowledging them. Whenever Headphone Store Guy has a thought jump up that he doesn’t want or like, he just says “Oh, wow. A thought.” And then it’s easier to let them go. He gave me that for free!
TAURUS
If there’s one person I’m jealous of, Taurus, it’s the lady at the desk on the 9 o’clock news. Not because of her perfectly sculpted hair or her unmoving, lint-free, solid-blue blouse. Those things are great, but I’m mostly just jealous of the teleprompter. She doesn’t have to think about what to say next because it’s right there on the screen. She can confidently look into the camera and know that the words she’s choosing are exactly the ones she’s supposed to say. We don’t have that advantage, Taurus. But I think we should talk anyway. Even if it’s awkward and we sometimes pick the wrong words or even the wrong ideas altogether. I think we can just look into each other’s eyes and say whatever comes up.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered news anchor, or a certified anesthesiologist. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
