Hoboscopes: May 22, 2024

GEMINI

The big pack has 9 mega-rolls which it says are equal to 12 regular rolls. But the small pack has 6 ultra-rolls which are equal to 12 mini-rolls. You can also get this double that has 12 super-rolls which are apparently the same as 18 mega-rolls but they look smaller than the ultra-rolls so I’m suspicious. Are you taking notes, Gemini? Sometimes this grocery store algebra makes me realize just how little is expected of me. This distracting math keeps us consuming and obsessing and helps us forget about the real pain happening in the world. Grab a pack of the store brand and let’s find a way to help.

CANCER

Do you ever think, Cancer, about all the things that have changed in the world just since you’ve been alive? I don’t know how old you are, but if you’re reading this, you’re probably older than, say, The Masked Singer. That show premiered in 2019 so if you were around before that you were born into a world where singers went around unmasked nearly all the time. We can barely imagine such a time anymore, but masking singers is still a relatively new concept. Imagine how many other things might change in your lifetime, Cancer. You could never predict the wonders you’ll experience. Try to enjoy miracles as they arrive.

LEO

I just started playing that new video game where you’re a snail and you have to get all the way across the school playground without getting stepped on. It took me 44 tries of getting squished by the tetherball players before I figured out I have a “snail faster” button. It was another 31 tries after that before I learned how to use my “power shell.” And that was just level one! I’m way better now and it reminds me, Leo, that it really is true what they say about try, trying again. Whatever you’re practicing, you’ll get better.

VIRGO

My grandfather was the kind of person who would start telling a joke as soon as the elevator doors closed. He loved a captive audience. By the time we all got to the 12th floor, he’d be handing out business cards and promising to come to your son’s graduation. He meant it, too. You and me, Virgo, we’re more the type to stand in the corner reading the instructions on what to do if the elevator doors won’t open and checking the date on the most recent cable inspection. And the world needs people like us. It really does. All I’m saying is, don’t ignore the guy next to you who’s trying to make friends. You’ll need those, too.

LIBRA

I made some oatmeal this morning and as I was scrubbing the bottom of the pot I saw something strange. Instead of my own blurry reflection I saw a startlingly clear view of another kitchen. A different sink full of different dishes. Turns out the bottom of my oatmeal pot is a portal that allows me to view the bottom of an oatmeal pot in Coeur d’Alene Idaho. It was fun at first. I’d wave to the couple in the other kitchen as we all prepped our daily oats. I showed them around my apartment once, but there isn’t much to see. It’s so strange, Libra, the ways we find to connect with each other. But it reminds me of the value of sharing a meal. And that we should never stop trying to be known.

SCORPIO

Remember that summer when you went to the lake nearly every day? Remember the summer when your car air conditioner went out and you just kept a cooler of ice in your passenger seat? And the summer when you decided to see every movie that came out but then you got caught bringing burritos into the movie theater and they banned you? What about the summer when your brother found six kittens we had to find homes for but you ended up keeping two? Or the summer when your dad got sick and you had to cancel your trip? This summer’s gonna be different than all those, Scorpio. Just keep your eyes open and remember that none of this ever lasts.

SAGITTARIUS

I don’t know, Sagittarius. Should I get my bike out this summer? I used to really enjoy riding up and down the paved trails in the park. But getting to the park is a lot scarier. There’s cars to dodge and debris in the bike lanes. I know a guy who ended up in the hospital from his tire catching on the gutter. But every joyful action has an equal and opposite risk, Sagittarius. And nobody can stay safe forever. I think we have to balance caution and living. Could you help me get this bike chain back on? And have you seen my helmet?

CAPRICORN

I think of cicadas as nature’s bagpipes. One droning note lays down in the background while the complex melody of life plays out all around. Also like bagpipes, they’re a beautiful miracle of evolution that does start to wear one down after a while. But the one guarantee, Capricorn, is that all of this will pass. The heat, the drone, the feelings that you feel today. They’re here for a season. So tune in to the present as much as you can. And don’t be shocked when it’s gone.

AQUARIUS

I remember the first time, Aquarius. The explosive energy as the band finished one of our favorites. The singer shouted “Thank you, goodnight!” and waved as the guitarist threw another pick into the crowd and they all walked off stage. Me and you stood there screaming and clapping. We chanted “one more song!” again and again until they came back out, timidly, for another three-song set. It was magical, Aquarius. But now I always see it coming. The standing obligation leads to the inevitable return. It’s getting late, can’t we just skip this charade? Drop your cynicism for today, Aquarius. Stand and clap and shout. It’s good for you. As good for you as music.

ARIES

I’ve noticed lately that whenever I have to talk about something hard that’s happening in my life — like loss or pain or illness or disappointment — I get to the most uncomfortable part in my story and then I pause and just trail off into “but, I guess it’s not so bad” or “it could be worse” or something equally dismissive. It’s really hard to just sit in those realities, Aries. For me it’s much easier to trail off into an ambiguous better future. But maybe this week let’s practice being where we are. Noticing the hard things and what they feel like. Expressing our fear and our grief when the opportunities arise. And pausing before we jump to vague solutions.

TAURUS

Don’t look now, Taurus, but there’s a spider right by your foot. Wait! Don’t step on it. It didn’t do anything to you. Spiders are the good guys! It’s probably just here to keep the bugs from eating your azaleas. When something uncomfortable arises, the easiest thing is to react and squash it. But sit with it for a while longer today. See if you might find a reason that discomfort showed up in the first place.