Do you think mosquitoes worry about anything, Gemini? Like, do you think they’re flying around anxious about how their lives are turning out? Afraid that they haven’t accomplished enough or that they’ll get squashed before they even figure out what they really want in life? Or is a mosquito just a collection of impulses. Indifferent attraction to the smell of blood. Automatic flight away from swatting hands. What about you, Gemini? Does your worry really guide you to better solutions or is your body just going that direction anyway and your worry is a story you tell yourself about why you make the decisions you make? Anyway, don’t forget the mosquito repellent on your hike today. But if you do, don’t worry about it.
CANCER
Let’s get this part over with at the start, Cancer. At the end of this horoscope I’m going to spin around the screen and you’ll see 3 tip options. 15 percent (still considered the standard for amateur astrologers), 20 percent (indicates above average service or an above average product), or 100 percent (this option is when you are ready to give your whole life over to the wisdom contained within these astrological insight; your very existence is being transformed and you no longer wish to struggle against your own will). I know people are surprised that I don’t get a flat salary, but this is just the way it’s always been done. You on the other hand, Cancer, should make sure you’re getting what you’re worth. Don’t leave it up to other people.
LEO
You’re the sign of the summer, Leo! You’re so right now. But I’m afraid you’re waiting for all the other signs to throw a party for you. That’s just not how it’s gonna happen. If you’re ready to take over the moment and be the heat this season, you’re going to have to attend the party within. Take a moment to celebrate yourself for yourself. What are the things you really truly love about you? You don’t have to say it out loud, you just have to know it for a minute or so. Once that party inside winds down, you’ll be ready to take it to the streets.
VIRGO
It’s like the time you thought you might move to California. You weren’t even trying to go, but everything came together on its own. A place to live with an ocean view. A job that looked lucrative and rewarding. And after a week of planning and imagining, it all fell through. And then you were right where you started. Where you still are, really. Looking for something else to pull you forward. I get that, Virgo. Your life is giving you a push, but you need something on the other side with a pull. You’re doing just fine. And you don’t have to wait for something to grab you. You can just start taking steps in a direction you imagine might be nice. Eventually you’ll get to where you’re going.
LIBRA
It’s like the song says, Libra “If it wasn’t for disappointment, I wouldn’t have any appointments.” That’s how it feels this afternoon. Cancellations of things that I didn’t want to do anyway turn into black holes of time on my calendar where the nothingness settles into the shape of the things I’d hoped I’d be doing by now. That’s just me, of course. I’m sure your week will be very fulfilling, Libra. But if you find yourself dismayed by what is or isn’t on the agenda, remember that there’s nothing better that you could be doing right now than feeling this moment completely and knowing where you are.
SCORPIO
There was that one day we decided to run away from home and restart our lives with just the two of us. First we gathered our materials. I brought a book of matches, an unopened dish sponge and a half pack of Oreos. You brought a bike, a laptop, and your mom’s debit card. Nobody ever said you weren’t prepared, Scorpio. But it still wasn’t enough to get us to the end of the day. The Oreos were gone by noon and the bike got a flat. Turned out that debit card was expired and by the time your dad came looking for his work laptop, we were hungry and getting bored trying to build a cabin out of sticks in the alley. It turns out we really do need each other, Scorpio. We can’t do it on our own. And when we act like somebody else doesn’t belong, well, that’s somebody we need too.
SAGITTARIUS
Imagine if you can, Sagittarius, a way to get from place to place effortlessly. You won’t have to wear out your feet walking or wait for days to cover long distances. It will save you time and energy. It will free up your mind for creativity and your body for play. My proposal is simple. A circle with a hole that goes through the center supported on some kind of axle. We’ll call it…oh wait, that’s pretty good. I like that. “We’ll.” But, no, the apostrophe’s too much. For clarity we’ll call it a “wheel.” I’m sorry, Sagittarius, I’m being told this has already been invented. But you know what that’s like, Sagittarius. You’ve been working on a solution to a problem that’s already been solved. All you need now is the humility to use the resources you already have.
CAPRICORN
At the start of every summer I think I’m gonna keep wearing my full astrologer’s robes and cap like I do the rest of the year. And then the first really hot day hits and I give up instantly. This morning I’m in shorts, flip-flops and the t-shirt that I found draped over my mailbox last fall. Honestly, I don’t even think The Stars mind. I’ve tried dressing for the job I want. I’ve tried dressing for the job I’ve got. But the only thing that really seems to work, Capricorn, is dressing for the job I am. You should try it.
AQUARIUS
1,2,3,4 I declare a time war! Let me clarify, Aquarius. This isn’t the kind of thing where you have to travel back in time to stop your grandparents from falling in love. And it’s not one of those where you have to take lost secrets into the future to save humanity from what they’ve long forgotten. I’m talking about the kind of time war where you get your time back from all the occupying forces that have invaded your heart and mind. You don’t owe anything to the social media stream. You don’t owe anything to the show you started last month that you don’t even really like anymore. You can have your time back, Aquarius, you just have to want it.
PISCES
“Get it in writing.” That’s what Grandpa Mysterio used to tell me every time I thought I had a good deal or a promise that I knew was going to change my life. I always found that irritating. It would kill the vibe. No, Grandpa, I’m not going to “Get it in writing” that Jonathan King is gonna help me fix my bike after school tomorrow. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided he’s right. And not just about deals with other people. When I have an idea or a need or a bolt of astrological insight, I stop and write it down. And when I don’t have any ideas or insights, I stop and write until one comes to me. Like today I was journaling about the time Jonathan King never showed up to help with my bike and I realized it was a perfect horoscope for Pisces.
ARIES
So what good is hope if nothing ever lasts? Even when everything works out and you get the job or you find the house or you get noticed by the people you respect, it only lasts so long. And then it’s just the job you wish was a little better or the house that’s not quite big enough or attention from people you’re starting to respect less. And you have to find the next thing to hope for. Here’s what I think, Aries. I think you hope anyway. But I think you hope differently. You go into this knowing that it’s what you want but that it might not work out and it definitely won’t be satisfying forever. That disappointment is built in, but we have to move forward because that’s what living is. And you watch it come and go and change. And you learn to be satisfied with the motion and not wait for the goal.
TAURUS
I’ve got a lot of information to pass on to you this week, Taurus, so instead of me writing it all out and risk being misunderstood, how about we schedule a time to talk in the next couple of days? I’m free most afternoons by 3 p.m. except for Wednesdays because I’m taking an online class on how to communicate complex ideas over the phone. Actually, this was my professor’s idea. She said, “newspaper astrology is too one-sided.” and that I should try conversations instead. But I know you don’t always have time for a chat, so I’ll just leave you with the basics: Turn off the stove. Bring a snack. Don’t wear too much yellow. If you have any other questions, give me a call.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a verified culturista, or a trained entomological psychologist. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
