Hoboscopes: March 27, 2024

ARIES

They put a “Road Closed” sign on my street. Right at the end of my driveway, actually. As far as I can tell, they’re not even doing work today. But that official-looking guy in the yellow vest and hard-hat must’ve stood out there for 45 minutes trying to decide where it should go, and now I think he’s gone to lunch. So, I guess I’m not going anywhere for a while, Aries. Sometimes you get a sign that you need to stay put. The tricky part is believing that the road will ever open up again. Wait for it, Aries. You’ll know when it’s time.

TAURUS

This morning I noticed that I needed to clip my fingernails. It’s a hard thing to get done though, because a nail trim is such a focused activity and I’m currently on a roll of needing nearly-constant distraction. It doesn’t seem safe to look away from all the screens and stare at my own hands for two minutes. I can’t scroll while I’m clipping my nails. What if all the thoughts I’m avoiding take that opportunity to show up? I might find out I’m angry, or anxious, or grieving, or all three. I’m debating my next move, Taurus. What’s yours?

GEMINI

A friend recently told me that if you’re having a problem you can’t solve, you should just write it on a piece of paper and put the piece of paper in your shoe. Walk on the problem for 10 days and it will be solved! I loved this idea, Gemini, but then I got a notice in my mailbox for “failure to appear” for my parking ticket court date and I can’t read the name of the original ticketing officer because it rubbed off in my Croc. Some problems solve with spells of mulling ambulation. Others you have to take care of as soon as they appear. Step wisely.

CANCER

The eye of Jupiter — more often called its great red spot — isn’t a topographic feature so much as it’s a perpetual event. A storm that never stops, at least not as long as we’ve had telescopes. It’s a wonder, Cancer, that Jupiter, the most massive planet in our solar system, orbits and spins and does its planetary duties and all the while that great storm rages. It’s an eye that looks back at you tonight. You’re getting the job done, Cancer, but take a quiet minute and see if there isn’t some storm on your surface that needs attention. Don’t try to stop it. Just give it a good look in the eye.

LEO

There’s a story about a man who was sipping a cappuccino at an outdoor cafe. Right above him, a construction worker dropped a screwdriver and it fell so far and so fast that it pierced the man’s shoulder. The ambulance was there in minutes. The man was bleeding badly, but before they put him on the stretcher he shouted “Stop! Is this screwdriver a phillips or a flathead?” Nobody knew and it wasn’t safe to check. Again he yelled, “Stop! Is the man who dropped it right handed or left handed?” They began to move him to the stretcher. “Stop! Stop!” he shouted “Is my cappuccino still warm?” Later on, Leo, the specifics might matter. The details can be explored. But for now, I think we just need to stop the bleeding.

VIRGO

Have you been to that new infinite car wash on Frankford Road? It’s a quarter-mile track that they converted into a tunnel-automatic car wash. You drive in, turn right onto the conveyer rail, put it in neutral, and let the unbounded cleaning begin. I spent all day in there last Thursday, just going around and around, letting the rainbow soaps, spinning brushes, and thudding mop curtains do their work. Once I figured out how to leave, I’d never felt cleaner. But, still, something draws me back. I know what it’s like to never feel done, Virgo. To never feel good enough, clean enough, caught-up enough. And you might think one more time around will do it. And that’s fine, the soap-sprayers are nice. But you don’t have to stay in there. You don’t even have to go back.

LIBRA

Is there a special 9-1-1 you can call when somebody knocks on your door and you didn’t order a delivery? It happened to me again today and I knew that if I looked out the peep-hole they’d know that there’s somebody in here, so I just sat in the dark hoping they’d go away. Wait, that wasn’t you, was it, Libra? Come to think of it, I did tell you to come by anytime. And I did say I wanted to talk through your recent thing. I’m sorry, we’re all just so isolated these days. Let’s try it again. We’ve got to catch up. But next time, text when you’re on your way.

SCORPIO

What a beautiful day, Scorpio! Sunny. Warm. Perfect weather. So why do I just want to stay inside and count my mistakes? Last week, when it was cold and rainy and the sirens kept going off, I felt much better. Last week nobody expected me to be smiling, which put me in a great mood. Everybody else could see that life is tough, so we finally agreed. I don’t know, Scorpio, maybe we should learn to live with perfect weather and know that not everybody feels perfect inside. Look for me at the park. I’ll be hiding under my black hoodie staring at my shoes.

SAGITTARIUS

My neighbor’s got a camera in his doorbell and now he’s always texting me to ask if I know who that is walking down our street or what car is parked in the median. If I don’t reply he sends me blurry screenshots of my own front porch and tells me I need to mow my lawn this week or he’ll contact the city. We’ve got so much information about each other. So much data. But we’ve got too little connection. We probably just need to have an old-fashioned surveillance-free neighborhood cook-out and clear the air. I’ll bring the mustard.

CAPRICORN

I’m sorry, Capricorn, the number you’re trying to reach has a voicemail box that has not been set up. That’s always hard news to hear, but try not to take it personally. Sometimes people just don’t have the energy or resources to take care of their own needs. If you can help and if they’re willing, that can be great. But otherwise you may just need to give this situation some space.

AQUARIUS

When the moon hits your eye, Aquarius, and the sun is directly behind it, and it’s the middle of the day but a mysterious darkness spreads across the grass like a ball of dough being stretched across a pan to await the sauce and cheese of a new, transformed, and unbounded life…I’m sorry, Aquarius, is my total-eclipse as life-altering pizza metaphor working? I’ll try again. Sometimes it gets dark when you weren’t expecting it to. But the light is gonna come back, Aquarius, and when it does you’re going to be hungry. Order now and get a free side of loony-bread! Ugh. That’s not quite it either, but you get the point. Things get weird and then they get better. Like pizza.

PISCES

Point Nemo is the most remote place on earth. Located in the South Pacific, It’s the singular spot in the ocean furthest from land in every direction. If you woke up tomorrow at Point Nemo, you’d have to swim more than 1,600 miles to arrive at any coastline. But you already know what that’s like, Pisces. Some days that’s just how it feels to get out of bed. Swimming from here to shore sounds so exhausting it almost doesn’t seem worth it. But you’re not the only one out there. And for those of us who already made the swim, some are paddling back your way now. You can meet us halfway or just keep treading water till we find you, Pisces. Help is out there. We’ve got boats.