When I was a kid I had a friend who was 50 feet tall. We’d hang out at lunch and play pirates at recess. I would help her with her social studies homework and she would scare away the bullies who tried to follow me home on their bikes. I was short for my age but she never made a big deal about it. I switched schools after 7th grade. I wonder what ever happened to her. There are friends who are with us for life, Aries, even if we never see them again. Don’t let that stop you from reaching out, though. We can all use a hand-up. Even if it’s not the whole 50 feet.
TAURUS
Due to recent layoffs and budget cuts, The Stars are not able to process astrological wisdom for Taurus at this time. As an alternative to cosmic advice, consider reading a book, asking a friend to lunch, or just going for a long walk alone.
GEMINI
It was pouring rain outside and the sirens started going off down the street so I opened my browser to check the weather but the top of the page just said “here’s one trick doctors don’t want you to know” and I guess I got distracted. I’ve been clicking through adds for 45 minutes. The sirens stopped, but I think a branch fell through my bedroom window. I’ll check as soon as I find out the one food psychologists won’t eat. As for you, Gemini, stay on task. Distractions can be deadly.
CANCER
I know that the future will leave me behind because whenever I see headlines about artificial intelligence, I feel instantly fearful and confused. And that’s not even the future, Cancer, that’s just the present. I know things are going to change a lot over your lifetime, Cancer, and sometimes it will feel like a miracle and sometimes it will feel like an emergency. All I can tell you is, it’s gonna be the people you surround yourself with who make this all worth it. Change is inevitable. Relationships take effort.
LEO
The Stars indicate–oh I’m sorry, Leo, did I startle you? It’s just that you jumped a little bit and made that little high-pitched bark you do whenever you get scared. I’ll try not to start out so abruptly next time. I know you get really focused on your work and then when somebody starts blurting out your horoscope it can be kind of a shock. Anyway, where was I–oh right. The Stars indicate that you can’t really prepare for the unexpected, and you can’t anticipate every possibility. But as you invest your energy in the direction that pulls you the strongest, stay responsive to the direction the next wind may blow.
VIRGO
Filing taxes as an amateur astrologer is always tricky. Sure, I can write-off my subscription to Soft Aspects Monthly and my new star chart organizing cabinet. But could I also get a deduction for every time I gazed into the night sky for wisdom and was met only with a silent and cold infinity? Can I get a refund for the futures I predicted that never came to pass? My accountant really hates the voicemails I leave her at 2:00 in the morning when I’ve been worrying over a pile of receipts for fast food that fueled my greatest realizations about the universe. Anyway, Virgo, keep in mind that they can tax your income, but only you can know the value of your output.
LIBRA
While you’re up, Libra, could you restart the dryer? It’s got that heavy blue blanket in it and it always takes more than one cycle to get dry. It helps if you pull it out and turn it around before you hit the button again. Some things just take an extra step, Libra. Sure, you can do the minimum and it might work out eventually. But if you’ll just throw in that extra flip it might save you some work later. Could you also refill my lemonade before you sit down. There’s a pitcher in the fridge.
SCORPIO
There’s lots of kinds of country songs, Scorpio. I mostly like the ones that have a little bit of ache to them. Like, sure, life is simple and sweet but maybe there’s some regret or a slow realization that the past can’t ever come back. I know, Scorpio, you’re more into the songs where everything already worked out. The truck started, the team won, and the dog came back just in time for the wedding. And that’s fine for a song, Scorpio. But if you’re feeling like your life’s missing that perfection, remember that you’re not alone. There’s a song for that too.
SAGITTARIUS
Sorry, Sagittarius, I need a minute. I just saw a video of a kayaker who got swallowed by a humpback whale and then immediately spit back out. Don’t worry, the kayaker is ok. I guess the whale is too. I just didn’t know that was a thing that could happen to a person. I thought there were limits to what we needed to worry about, but for me that video proves that worry is, in fact, entirely pointless. Because there’s no way you could think to worry about being swallowed by a humpback whale. And so worry must be a completely ineffective system for preventing pain. So you might as well give it a rest, Sagittarius.
CAPRICORN
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, Capricorn. They don’t tell you what to do with all that extra strength. That’s why I’m not surprised to see you pushing over skyscrapers and hurling city-buses down the street. You’ve just gotten stronger and stronger and stronger– but no amount of remaining unkilled makes you happier. You have to work extra for that. It’s not as hard and painful as what you’re used to, Capricorn, you just have to look up and find somebody else who could use your strength. And then you help them. And then that helps you.
AQUARIUS
I keep a jar by the front door for loose change. Whenever I end up with coins, I just throw them in there. Every so often, when it gets very full or I get very broke I take it to the machine at the grocery store and I dump it all in there and it shakes it around and spits out a ticket that I can turn in for real cash. And it reminds me, Aquarius, of all the little bits you’ve been collecting. All the compliments, and ideas, and gratitude, and skills that you’ve got piled up by your front door just waiting to be cashed-in for some real change. I think your jar is getting pretty full. Today might be the day.
PISCES
What’s your earliest memory, Pisces? Mine’s probably when I was 3 or 4 and I got chased by a goose at the park. I ran along the lake shore while the goose honked and snapped at my sweater sleeve. Do I even remember that moment, or do I just remember remembering it? Did it just become a story that my brain pulls up when I want to determine an earliest memory. Sometimes your concept of who you are is less about what happened and more about the story you tell yourself. If you want to change where you’re running to, you may need a different goose to chase you there.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered kayaker, or a certified tax professional. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
