Hoboscopes: March 13, 2024

ARIES

So it seems we disagree about the future, Aries. You keep telling me tomorrow will be just like today. I say, “but look at yesterday! That was different! Maybe tomorrow will be even more different!” You’re convinced that nothing can change and I insist that it always does. The funny thing is, Aries, that neither of us know. We’ve got fears and hopes and stories and guesses, but nobody really knows what’s coming next. I think the best bet, if the past has anything to offer, is that we’ll do better if we go together.

TAURUS

Two roads diverge in a yellow wood, Taurus. But, wait, does that pile of leaves look familiar to you? And isn’t this your Clif bar wrapper from this morning? I’m afraid we’ve been here before. We must be walking in circles! Don’t worry, Taurus, I know just how to get us out of this. Sure, some choices are bound to lead back to themselves and then we have to keep trying again until we get it right. Whichever way we went last time, Taurus, we’ll just go the other way this time. So which way was it? You remember, right? (I feel like we’ve been taking a lot of lefts lately. Maybe we should keep better notes.)

GEMINI

I get weirded out by those little chocolate eggs that are filled with white and yellow candy egg-goo. I much prefer a good hollow chocolate bunny. You know what you’re getting with a bunny. Nobody’s filling those with lifelike bunny-innard confections. It’s just a layer of chocolate and then an expanse of invisible and probably-breathable air. It’s the stuff of possibilities. You might find you need a little extra space between your long ears this week, Gemini. I’m not surprised. Everything’s been so packed with goo. Get still and take a breath. Wrap yourself in foil if it helps.

CANCER

I guess it started when my upstairs neighbor bought a drum kit. Yeah, that was definitely it. Not that I don’t like music, Cancer, it was just that the rhythmic pounding through the ceiling gave me the constant feeling that the sky was caving in. So I started going for walks. Long walks. Pretty soon I found I was only returning home to feed the fish and grab a can of peaches or an umbrella. I’m not even sure when the drumming stopped. But I’m more tuned-in to the never-falling sky than ever. Did the neighbor move out? I hope it was just a pivot to something softer like crocheting or making meringue. So much of life is what you focus on.

LEO

I can never remember what day we’re supposed to wear green so I just make sure to wear a little bit all the time. Like, yesterday I wore my Mountain Dew T-shirt. Today I’m wearing my fuzzy green socks. Tomorrow I’ll probably wear my Mountain Dew bandana. (I may have more Mountain Dew merch than most people.) It’s the only way to be absolutely sure that I’m wearing green at that crucial moment so I never get pinched. You’ve been working hard to do everything just right too, Leo. But I think the more you prepare for the worst outcomes, the scarier those outcomes start to sound. Maybe let it slide just a little. Getting pinched isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

VIRGO

A couple of times a year, I wake up desperate for pancakes. You’d think I’d learn the recipe, Virgo, but I have to google it every time. I just search for one that only needs the ingredients I already have in the kitchen. Sometimes I still have to make substitutions. So this morning I had a delicious shortstack made from cornmeal, cashew milk, pringles-crumbs, and vanilla pudding. They barely even needed syrup (which was great, because I only have ketchup). I’m wondering, Virgo, if you and I could benefit from a little more planning. What’s something that you don’t need right now, but that you’ll probably need later?

LIBRA

They’re making a musical out of your life, Libra. They figured since the original was so successful they could remake it with younger actors, add a couple of catchy songs, and flesh-out some of the side characters we didn’t pay attention to the first time around. Anyway, I assume it will be great. Mostly because I’ve always wondered what you sing about when you’re alone. What’s the one thing you want that’s driving this whole plot forward? If you don’t like the sound of that song, this is a good time to make some changes.

SCORPIO

When it’s all done and this life is over, Scorpio, I don’t know for sure if there will be a big reward, or a big emptiness, or if I’ll restart as something new. But whatever it is, I hope that as the credits roll they play a blooper reel. I’d love to see all the times I got my lines wrong or came in too late or too early. More than that I want a collection of all the times you and I cracked-up trying to get the words out, laughing till we were afraid we couldn’t breathe and the tears came down our necks. It reminds me, Scorpio, that I don’t know what’s next, but I know what’s now, and I know that what I like the most isn’t getting it right, it’s being together trying our best. Let’s do one more take.

My great-great-grandfather Mysterio traded two trained plowing-mules for a diamond ring and I guess that’s how this all got started. These days the diamonds are all synthetic. Come to think of it, so are the mules. But we still make those trades. How many days of labor for a token of affection or a promise to stay? It’s a weird system, Sagittarius. What our great-great-grandfathers might not have known is that even if we have to work to live, we don’t have to trade it in for love. Synthetic or mined, there’s a part of you that can’t be bought or sold. It’s always yours to keep or give away.

CAPRICORN

Nobody stays dead in comic books or soap operas. Heroes who tragically fall just end up getting unfrozen from the ice or turn out to have an identical psychic-twin. Villains who were justly vanquished get cloned or reincarnated. And the cycle goes on. Good beats evil and then evil bounces back. Redemption stories repeat and remix. And we come back to see it happen again, Capricorn, because somewhere we know that defeats aren’t final and victories don’t last. If it looks like it’s over, won or lost, Capricorn, there’s another scene on another page. Keep going.

AQUARIUS

I just got my weekly screen-time report and I’m up 34 percent. It’s pretty disappointing. I’ve been trying to stay off social media and limiting my streaming. If you want to know the truth, Aquarius, my calculator-app use has gotten a little out of control. I just can’t stop adding up the things in my life that I’m grateful for. I started with my shoes. That was 1. Then I realized I was grateful for my bike. That’s 2. Then I added my 3 favorite books to the list. That’s 5. And it just kept going. You can understand why I needed the calculator. You can try this out too, Aquarius. Everytime you think of something you’re grateful for, just add it in. I’m even grateful for this screentime report. That’s 8,341!

PISCES

My shadow surprised me again today. It’s so much larger than I am this time of day. So flat and menacing, bouncing down the road toward my bus stop. I raise a cup to my mouth and my shadow brandishes a club. I wave at the mailman driving by and my shadow shakes an angry fist. There’s a darkness on the ground beside you too, Pisces. It does what you do but it doesn’t mean what you meant. Don’t ignore it. Watch for the consequences of your simplest motions. It’s not what’s in your heart, I know, but it still shows and needs an answer.