I’ve always felt like sort of a black sheep, Aries. An astrology guy in an astronomy town. You know how it is. We take the assumption that we’re not welcome and we stand up on the hill alone — drawing invisible lines between stars to form pictures that tell stories that remind us who we are. Meanwhile, just one hill over, the whole bunch of them have telescopes pointed in every direction, creating evidence that says our way of doing things is nonsense. You’re not the only one, Aries. And I think it won’t be long till we can all meet in the valley down there and start to understand each other better. Til then, I’m sticking with you.
TAURUS
Don’t worry, Taurus. My uncle feels like everything is going just great. He watches the news and laughs and laughs. Of course, he also believes that the politicians on TV are actual size. “Look at that one,” he howls, “So small! So serious!” It does put things in a kind of perspective, I guess. Makes me think less about the little people making big speeches and more about what I can do in my actual-sized life to make an actual-sized difference for my actual-sized neighbors. For instance, my uncle wants another Capri-Sun. After I grab him one, maybe we can see if anybody else needs a ride or some lunch or just a friend to talk to.
GEMINI
When the producers of the 1986 Tom Cruise action blockbuster Top Gun approached Canadian rising-star Bryan Adams to perform the song “Danger Zone” for the film’s closing credits, Adams refused. He told them he wasn’t interested in being a part of a movie that glorified war. Kenny Loggins had no such qualms. Danger Zone was a huge hit for the conflict-agnostic Loggins but it was no great loss to Bryan Adams, who we can assume slept better at night knowing he’d stuck to his principles. If you know yourself and what you stand for, Gemini, you can ride that highway into whichever zone is best for you.
CANCER
I just started playing one of those open-world videogames where there’s no clear path to follow or boundaries to stay within. My character is free to build tools or slay beasts or construct a shelter. I can collect riches or find rare artifacts or learn spells. This game is so detailed and broad, the only problem is that it reminds me too much of real life. You can choose to be whoever you want, Cancer. You can complete the tasks in front of you or head off over the horizon to start a new adventure. So why does it feel like you have so few options? What if you didn’t do anything you expected to do today? What if you tried something completely new? (Just don’t pledge fealty to The Nightmare Guild. I ended up with so many sinister side quests.)
LEO
The eyes are the windows to the soul, Leo. The ears, of course, are the waterslides to the pools of consciousness. The teeth, many forget, are the locking cell-doors of this prison we call a body. What I’m trying to say, Leo, is that sometimes you choose what you take-in and sometimes you receive something you wish you hadn’t. Of course I encourage you to make wise choices about where you turn your head, but when you find that bits of unwelcome reality have made their way into your mind, don’t deny them. Spend some time understanding where they came from and try to accept that not every scent will match your expectation. The nostrils are the portals to understanding.
VIRGO
I’ve recently learned that my style of conversation can be fairly off-putting. It’s just that I get nervous and I don’t want to make too specific of an impression so I end up asking lots of boring questions. “How was your weekend?” “Is it still cold out there?” “Got anything going on this afternoon?” It turns out, people don’t want to answer boring questions. They just say things like “Fine.” and “Sure is.” and “Nope.” What seems to work better is taking a risk. If I offer a specific opinion like “The 1995 film 12 Monkeys is the best time-travel movie.” I’m much more likely to get an interesting response. Take a conversational risk today, Virgo.
LIBRA
I got a great deal on a used Toyota. Or, I thought I did. My mechanic says it’s a good car. It just needs brakes. And shocks. And a new transmission. The list kept going, but I kind of stopped listening and just nodded while I handed over the credit card I thought I wasn’t gonna use anymore. It reminded me, Libra, that you have a lot more going for you than against you right now. It’s just that your problems are so easy to list out and despair over. Your assets are more taken for granted. Maybe make a list of what’s working for you right now. Get at least 10 things on there before you think about your problems again. Then do 10 more.
SCORPIO
I’m trying to pick out a new show to stream but it’s taking me forever because if I hover too long over the title, the app starts auto-playing a preview and it’s loud and distracting and it’s never even for the show I was interested in anyway and I scroll off the title but the preview keeps playing and after that happens two or three times, I get irritated and just close the app and open a different one but then it does the same thing and I can’t decide what to watch. Anyway, Scorpio, that’s my problem. Yours is that you know exactly what you want, you’re just waiting for the right time to go for it. I think this might be it.
SAGITTARIUS
When I was seven years old, I went to the beach with my cousins. I was having a great time splashing in the water and finding shells and dodging seaweed. And I leaned over to pick up a smooth rock and got knocked down by a wave. No problem, I’ve been knocked down before, but as I was trying to get up another wave hit. And then another. And I was flailing and paddling and trying not to get dragged out to sea and my aunt ran over and picked me up and I was still in the same spot. It’s like that right now, Sagittarius. The waves keep coming and we’re barely moving, but we’ve got to be around to pick each other back up.
CAPRICORN
I’ve been letting little things get away from me lately. Does that ever happen to you? Forgetting to send emails. Missing regular deadlines. And if you do enough of those, Capricorn, they stop being little things. They start to feel like one big thing. And when there’s one big thing looming, it’s hard to want to turn and look at it. It’s easier to pretend it’s not there and just keep scooting away. But the first thing to do is to acknowledge that the big thing is just made of a bunch of little things. And the little things are actually manageable if you’ll take them one at a time. Just a reminder, Capricorn. In case you need it too.
AQUARIUS
Where should we go for lunch, Aquarius? We could do burgers or pizza or burritos or banh-mi. How about this, Aquarius, you knock out one of those options and then I’ll knock out one and then we can flip a coin on the last two. Or, wait, you write down your top two options and I’ll write down mine and then we’ll do whichever one overlaps. Cool? Or, wait, I’ll count to three and we can both just say what we want for lunch and then if it’s different we can negotiate. Actually, Aquarius, this took too long and now we’ve only got 10 minutes left. I guess we can just do the vending machines in the lobby? Sometimes it might be better to act than to decide which option is best. There’s fewer options than there were. Maybe grab one while you can.
PISCES
Crazy that all the other planets have moons called things like “Titan” and “Io” and “Europa” but our moon is just called “The Moon.” What are the chances of that, Pisces — that we would get the one that’s just, like, the regular moon? Anyway, I was thinking about how we get to name things and how that’s kind of the superpower of every human being. That we can name things if we want to. And it made me think how words are important and honesty and kindness can be twins and then there’s just the moon up there always falling, always being pulled-in by a force we can’t see and that doesn’t even ask us to believe in it but it’s real. I just thought that might be helpful, Pisces. To remember that no matter how far or fast you fall you won’t be let go.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered fighter-pilot, or a certified surfer. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
