When I go out of town, my neighbor takes care of the cats. Twice a day she’ll stop in and give Sourpatch his digestion pills and scoop up Mr. Lincoln and pet her sweet little head. She makes sure they’re fed and sends me pictures to let me know everybody’s still up-and-running. And I wish I had little daily reassurances like that in every aspect of my life. Little check-ins that say “everything’s fine. You’re doing just fine.” And, of course, I can’t get that all the time, Pisces. But it reminds me how much it helps to give it.
ARIES
That wild storm broke off a huge branch in my neighbor’s biggest tree. It fell most of the way down, but got perfectly caught in some vines. So now it’s just hovering over my parking space, swaying when the wind blows. Today I parked on the street and tied a rope to the branch, tried to pull it down. But those vines are too strong. They won’t let it go. I know it will fall eventually, I just can’t know when. Sometimes, Aries, our fears just hang there. And they say they’ll come for us eventually, but they won’t say when. The challenge is to keep living. To do what we can to manage the fall, but show up and park anyway.
TAURUS
When I grow up, I want to be the “Skip Ad” button that pops up at the bottom of the screen while you’re waiting for the video to start. Everybody loves the “Skip Ad” button. You mean, we don’t have to watch this whole thing? What a relief! And when I do it, Taurus, I won’t even make you wait the mandatory 15 seconds. I’ll let you go after 5. But until we can get a great job like that, we’ll just have to make some peace with the fact that not everybody likes us all the time. Be who you are, Taurus not who you think everybody wants you to be.
GEMINI
How much water are you drinking, Gemini? I’m on my third bottle today and, honestly, I’m not even sure it’s doing anything. There’s so much we have to do each day just to keep moving forward to the next. And then there are all the extra things that people say will make you healthy or happy or better at life. I’m gonna call it for today, Gemini. If you aren’t thirsty, you’ve probably had all you need. If maxing-out is getting exhausting, it’s fine to shoot for the minimum.
CANCER
One of my weaknesses as a human being is that I haven’t met a lot of babies. I suppose I was a baby at some point, but I was the youngest child so everybody I knew was older than me. Now whenever I’m in the room with a baby, I just assume I don’t have much to offer. Most of them don’t read horoscopes and they can’t eat my famous vegan shepherd’s pie (too spicy). But lately I’ve been wondering if I need to get over all that. You get it, right, Cancer? We think we have to contribute to the future, but maybe the best thing we can do is to simply engage with it. Maybe I can’t teach or provide, but what if I could just learn something or make a friend? Try it out, Cancer.
LEO
Everybody loves the sound of a train off in the distance. The lonely howl of the faraway whistle over the rumble of steel and power. But I’m not loving the proximity of the railroad crossing to this sensory deprivation spa. Just about the time I finally relax and slide a little closer to enlightenment, here comes the train again—blasting its blare through the walls and the water. The host says that’s just another opportunity to practice being in a body. The rumbles will come, but how will we respond, Leo? Try to push it away, or let reality enter the space we try so hard to protect? Here it comes again.
VIRGO
Some people say human consciousness is an illusion. Well, consider me completely fooled. Because I’m absolutely lost in the experience of my own mind. All those thoughts and sensations and feelings and memories; I’m still pretty sure those are happening to me. But I do think it’s a useful notion—that I’ve been duped into believing that I am a self—if it helps me see that my experience is no more central to the story than anyone else’s. That I’m not the main character. And neither is humanity. You and me, Virgo, were just little pieces of reality who think we’re alone. But everybody is right here.
LIBRA
What happened was, Libra, couldn’t find my astrologer’s rod, which I use, like, all the time. But I remembered I had an old seeing orb in the cabinet over the fridge so I grabbed the stepstool out of the broom-closet but when I was coming down with the orb I stepped back too far off the top of the stool and landed hard on my right leg: I felt something pop. I didn’t know calf muscles could go “pop” but it turns out they can. Anyway, Libra, I’m gonna stay home today and rest, ice, and elevate. For you I recommend easing-up on the pace and just doing things one slow step at a time. Best way to avoid a pop.
SCORPIO
They put the war on the TV again. Right here in the dermatologist office waiting room, of all places. And it’s such a strange thing to be so connected to the worst things in the world and also so disconnected from them. All I can really do about the global atrocities of this exact moment, is get this suspicious mole removed. Take care of yourself and your neighbors, Scorpio. Let them take care of you. Try not to soak up too much of the troubles you can’t control in the meanwhile.
SAGITTARIUS
I’ve heard that when astronomers and physicists need to look deep into the universe, they might be lucky enough to reserve time on the James Webb Space Telescope. They probably don’t save any slots for amateur astrologers like me. But if they did, I’d use it to find a mirror out there in space. And if it was just the right distance away, Sagittarius, and the light took just the right amount of time to get out there and bounce back to my lens, maybe it would be reflecting an image of the day you were born. And I’d send you a picture and remind you that it’s ok to be here. And just because it’s the only place to be doesn’t mean it’s not also the best. But since I don’t have a picture, we’ll just have to remember that together.
CAPRICORN
To whom it may concern, I was told these new vacuum-sealing microwaveable bowls would be virtually indestructible. That has not proven to be the case. The second time I washed this bowl I tapped it on the faucet while rinsing it and a crack appeared that has since split the bowl in two. For this reason, I would hesitate to give this item a rating of higher than two stars (One star for the comfortable curve of the base. One for the pleasant floral pattern on the lid.) However, Capricorn, I did learn yet another valuable lesson about impermanence—the lesson we all must learn again and again—and for that, I will add a third star to my review. Purchase only if you need to be reminded that nothing lasts.
AQUARIUS
It’s a beautiful day out there, Aquarius. Seemed like a great one to eat dinner on the front porch. And things were going pretty well until I tried to leave the house holding a bowl of lentil soup and a glass of grapefruit juice. My sleeve got caught in the front door handle again and now I’ve got a hole in my shirt, some mopping to do, and a pizza on the way. The sun keeps doing its thing, Aquarius. Who are we to do otherwise. Let’s give it another try tomorrow.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained astronomer, or a certified mop technician. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
