Hoboscopes: June 5, 2024

GEMINI

The absolute best music, as everyone knows, is the music that came out when I was between the ages of 13 and 16. I guess there was some pretty good stuff released into my early 20s, but ever since then everything has just been derivative and boring. What? You feel that way too? Well, you and I must have been born in the same year, Gemini. As we get older, it’s hard to stay open to what’s new and different. But if you want to be more receptive and flexible, you can practice. Put on something new and pretend it’s the summer you turned 15. Sing along loud and scared and hopeful. It’s another way to grow.

CANCER

There are a few different ways of approaching this, Cancer. You can stretch yourself thin and hold on tight like a fitted sheet. Or you can hang over the whole thing, heavy and imobile, like a duvet. This week for you I prefer the knitted-throw strategy. Sure, you’ll stay close to the situation, but keep yourself folded on the corner. Stay flexible, be ready to change functions, and be willing to leave for the couch if that’s what it takes.

LEO

You’ve got to listen to this, Leo! It’s gonna be the song of the summer! [Trees full of cicadas emit a high, droning chirp that swells in waves, growing louder as the day gets hotter, reaching toward a pitch and intensity that’s just below the threshold of pain to the ears, but is so distracting to the brain that there is nothing to do but allow one’s mind to tumble toward it. Then, just as the steamroller of sound is about to push you into the ground…it stops. They’re gone. The sonic landscape is entirely changed and the loneliness is palpable. You understand something new about wanting and loss.] You’re gonna love it, Leo!

VIRGO

My mechanic says I need a new fuel pump. Says he has to take my gas tank off to replace it. Says it’ll cost about a paycheck. I’m realizing that I never even wanted a fuel pump to begin with. I just wanted to play freeze-tag in the parking lot with my friends. I just wanted to stay up late watching horror movies when I was supposed to be in bed. I just wanted to make up stories to tell my stuffed lion on the living room floor. But here we are, Virgo. See if you can squeeze in a few of the things you wanted to do before you do the things you have to do today.

LIBRA

The flowers that you planted last year seem to have come back for an encore. You scattered those seeds in the intersection by the railroad tracks — the spot that the mowers usually miss. And it was so nice to have something beautiful there by the side of the road for a few months. I was glad to see that the work you put in last season seems to have spread into this one. Don’t forget to enjoy the results of your past efforts, Libra. I know I do.

SCORPIO

I’m more prepared than ever for severe weather, Scorpio. I mean, I have a go-bag in my basement with helmets and water and shoes. I have a weather radio that will alert me to dangerous local conditions. There’s an app on my phone that keeps me in touch with exactly what’s going on. I should feel safer than ever, right? But somehow it all just makes me feel closer to tragedy. Sometimes, Scorpio, being aware of what’s really going on in the world makes us feel more fearful. If you feel like the circumstances of the planet are too much to bear, don’t get frozen up — get proactive.

SAGITTARIUS

I guess I left my toothbrush at my parents house when I went home last weekend. I had to buy a new one and, this is gonna sound weird, Sagittarius, but it vibrates. Maybe this is old news to you, but I’ve never had a toothbrush that does…anything. I’m getting used to it, but it’s not easy. It’s just a little strange, all that rattling around in there. Sometimes things change when you’re not ready. You might feel like things were better before. But give it a chance, Sagittarius. You might find out your teeth are getting cleaner.

CAPRICORN

The swingset is a deceptively simple device. You sit on a plastic strap at the end of two chains and you go up and back down. Easy enough, right? But there’s so much more you can do on a swing. You can stare straight up into the sky until it makes you dizzy. You can pretend you’re a fighter jet and you’re about to hit the ground. Or you can sing a song at the top of your lungs. Whatever simple swingset you find yourself on today, make the absolute most of it..

AQUARIUS

These are the days, Aquarius. The sun gets up early and stays out late. There’s so many daylight hours to do all the daylight things people have been asking you to do. The only trouble is, Aquarius, that it’s so much easier to shut the curtains, lock the doors, and stay inside worrying. I’ll make you a deal. You can hang out in the dark by yourself half the time, but the other half you’ll get out of there and come see us. Does that work for you?

ARIES

First it looked like you were just turning left. It seemed like a good idea to me. Then you threw it in reverse and swung back to the right. Well, I suppose it’s fine to change your mind, Aries. But now you’re back in drive and spinning the wheel and suddenly it dawns on me, that you haven’t been going back and forth — you’ve just been making a three-point turn the whole time. I think you know what direction you need to go. Who cares if the people watching can’t make sense of it?

TAURUS

You won’t remember reading this, Taurus. I may not even remember writing it. It’s the strangest thing when you start paying attention to how many of your experiences just pass right by barely noticed. We worry so much about planning the details of a day. We work so hard to do everything in the right order and to finish our lists. But all those details fade out of memory so quickly. So if you won’t remember this, why do it? If all you’ve got is this moment and the text in front of you, you can practice paying attention, accepting the situation, and allowing yourself to feel how you feel. If you can’t remember this, remember that.