Hoboscopes: June 21, 2023

CANCER

The ice cream truck is coming, Cancer! I can’t believe it’s finally happening for us! I’ve got enough cash for mine and yours and if you’ve got any extra, we can buy Libra one. This is so exciting! It’s right on our street and…wait…is he playing “Enter Sandman?” Oh. Maybe that’s just a regular truck, Cancer. Sorry to get you all worked up. I’ll tell you what, though, now that you know what you really want, I think you may need to stop sitting on the porch waiting for it. I’ll go get Libra and you can drive.

LEO

I used to get really excited about summer blockbuster movies. They’ve got all those heroic explosions and the robots that turn into dinosaurs that step on cars that turn into aliens. These days, Leo, I have a harder time surrendering to those redemptive-violence story arcs and absolutist, dualistic, morality-play theatrics. I’d rather just go for a walk and see what wildflowers are blooming in the vacant lot on the corner. Whatever level of excitement or escape you’re looking for this week, Leo, remember that reality isn’t always so bad. You might just be looking at the wrong reality.

VIRGO

My dog used to get upset about fireworks. She’d whine and crouch put her ears back. But the last few years they don’t bother her. I don’t think she got wiser or worked through her anxiety. I think she just doesn’t hear as well as she used to. And I think, Virgo, that the things that are upsetting you lately won’t be so difficult just a little way down the line. You can put in some work and learn to deal with your heaviest emotions. Or you can let time dull the sensation while you move on to new worries. In any case, Virgo, the distant celebratory explosions aren’t going to be the thing that gets you. Time might.

LIBRA

Well, Libra, our second quarter productivity reports are in and the results are…mixed. While it is true that Libras in Q2 were less productive than projected, it does appear that you’ve achieved better balance of work, life, creativity, introspection and relaxation. The board has reviewed these results and determined that we’re throwing out productivity reporting going forward and that your entire team should just keep doing what you know is already working. Bonuses will be applied periodically throughout the rest of your life.

SCORPIO

On our last adventure, Scorpio, you discovered The Emerald Crown of Anaphylaxis deep in the catacombs beneath The Turgid Throne. You defeated The Brotherhood of the Seven Saabs and returned the crown to Professor Sklumt just in time to stop the Ritual of Molten Lymph. But you’ve got to get back out there, Scorpio. Sure, you’ve completed one epic adventure, but you still have to show up again tomorrow. How else are we going to make a sequel?

SAGITTARIUS

There’s a new place at the end of the block that’s advertising “Oklahoma-style mozzarella sticks.” I probably won’t go because I get my Oklahoma-style mozzarella sticks at the place across the street and they’re super nice and always send me coupons. Specificity can be helpful, Sagittarius. Sometimes we don’t know what we’re looking at or how we’re feeling until we have a word for it. If you’ve never felt like this before, don’t rush past it. Dig in. Talk it out. Maybe what you’re experiencing is just Oklahoma-style anxiety.

CAPRICORN

I told the phone store concierge that my battery used to last all day, but lately I’m lucky to make it to lunch with any energy at all. She grabbed my phone and said I have a bunch of power-intensive astrology apps running in the background like startrakr and zodiaxe-pro. I explained that I wasn’t talking about my phone battery. I just feel totally drained every day after noon and I was wondering if she had any advice since she seemed so well rested. Make sure you’re asking the right people the right questions, Capricorn. And stop running so many apps in the background.

AQUARIUS

After the first successful test of the atomic bomb, Robert Oppenheimer famously said, “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” It’s a complicated legacy, Aquarius. And it makes me think, what am you become? I hope that whatever it is, it’s something you have peace with and something that brings life to those around you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am become tired of this sentence structure and will be talking normal for the rest of the day.

PISCES

I’m pretty sure the guy next to me at the stoplight wants to race. He keeps revving his engine and pointing at me and sneering with his sunglasses slid down his nose just enough that I can see his eyes locked on mine. I don’t think I should get involved, though. For one thing, it’s dangerous and irresponsible. For another, I’m riding a unicycle and I think he has an unfair advantage. Be careful whose challenges you accept, Pisces. The only person at this intersection you need to impress is yourself.

ARIES

Last time I went to the zoo, Aries, I was walking back to my car and I noticed a half dozen people staring at the base of a tree in the parking lot. I walked over and stared, too. It turned out, there was a lizard. It was one of those brown, shiny thick-necked ones that lives around here. And everybody was standing back and watching it, because they’d just spent two hours paying attention to the animals around them and when they left they couldn’t turn it off. We mostly see what we’re looking for, Aries. There’s always a lizard in the parking lot for those who are willing to keep their eyes open.

TAURUS

Your mission, Taurus, should you choose to accept it, is really not as difficult as you were expecting. I know, I know. It’s supposed to be something unachievable that you don’t even want to take-on but you feel like you have to because you’re the only one who can. There’s supposed to be syncopated eighth notes and exploding briefcases, but this time, Taurus, your mission is just to be still for a little while. Be where you are. Breathe in and out. We’re all counting on you.

GEMINI

I was walking on the trail in the park and a snake crossed my path. Or maybe I crossed hers. We both froze, trying to decide what the other was doing and who should have right-of-way. In the end, I decided that she should go first. Afterall, she lives in the park and I’m just visiting. So I took a couple steps back and she got moving again. Just before she slithered off into the trees, Gemini, she turned back to me and whispered something I’ll never forget: “You’re shoe’s untied.” She was right. You may be surprised at the advice you’ll get if you take a step back and wait for it.