Hoboscopes: June 19, 2024

GEMINI

You’ve heard it said, Gemini, that you shouldn’t “sweat the small stuff.” Sometimes a confident advisor will finish this off with a “and it’s all small stuff.” But I’ll tell you what, Gemini, small stuff or not, I am sweating. That’s just what happens when it’s this humid outside and the sun is out and the “small stuff” keeps rolling in. I say don’t sweat sweating the small stuff. I think you’re in touch with the reality of this moment and this moment calls for a little sweat. Sweat cools you off, shame over sweat just makes small stuff seem bigger.

CANCER

Remember that summer we went to the water park every week, Cancer? We’d wait in line for the big twisty slide, winding up that splintery wooden staircase and when we’d get to the top the attendant would say “How tall are you?” And we’d shrug and then he’d make us stand next to the merman cut-out behind him and then he’d shake his head and say, “You gotta be at least as tall as the trident to slide. Try again next summer.” But we’d just keep trying every week. Well, Cancer, this is next summer. I think you’re ready for the big slide. I’ll meet you at the top of the stairs.

LEO

That guy from my highschool who used to fake a swing at my face and then slug me twice in the gut while shouting “two for flinching!” just put out his second book about nonviolent conflict resolution. And you know, Leo, people do change. I’ve changed. For instance, I don’t flinch as easily as I used to. I take things more as they come. You’ve changed too, Leo. There was a time when you would have flinched at that assertion, but now I think you know it. Stop today and count the ways you’re different. Some good, some less good, some neutral. Which changes do you want to keep?

VIRGO

For the rest of the week, Virgo, it will be completely free to look up at the sky. Go ahead and try it. You may notice clouds, birds, stars, sunsets, airplanes — all of these available to view at absolutely no cost to you. It’s unclear how long this deal may last, Aquarius, but right now is a great time to step away from whatever you’re doing, gently elevate your chin, open your eyes and see what comes in.

LIBRA

It’s amazing how quickly you can change the focus of your suffering. For instance, I’ve been sitting at this library desk for the past 20 minutes trying to use my fingernail to knock-loose a little piece of popcorn that’s stuck between my two back teeth. When it finally got free, I was so relieved! My suffering had ended. But then I noticed the security camera pointed right at me. What if somebody was watching me dig around in my molars for 20 minutes? What if they post it somewhere and I become a shamed viral video sensation? These racing anxieties can stick with me for hours until the next focus pops up. The best you can do today, Libra, is notice this shifting focus as it happens. Watch what your mind grasps and watch when it lets go.

SCORPIO

I’ve been writing these horoscopes for a while, Scorpio, and sometimes I’m surprised that I’m not more popular. It’s OK if you’ve never heard of me. I’m kind of an acquired taste. I’m like your favorite amateur astrologer’s favorite amateur astrologer. What I’m saying, Scorpio, is just because you haven’t been acknowledged for something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep going.

SAGITTARIUS

I started doing Sudokus again, Sagittarius. I think it’s because I got tired of the crosswords. And I only started doing those because all the mini-puzzle games solved too fast and they weren’t taking up enough of my time. And it’s not that there’s anything wrong with any of these activities, Sagittarius, I mean, how wholesome can you get? But I do notice that I pick them up when I’m stressed with the problems in front of me and I just want something I can solve. Where are you spending your brain-time lately, Sagittarius? Is it rewarding and fun or is it keeping you away from a realization? Don’t ask me. I’m just trying to put an “8” somewhere on this line.

CAPRICORN

A recent study from the Kenyan savannah showed that elephants call one another by name. This is one of those shocking but not surprising revelations that resets some assumptions we make about the world. At least it was for me, Capricorn. The sounds elephants make to communicate range from the familiar trumpeting to low rumbles indetectable to human ears and they use them to call out to each specific other. Why does that make me feel lonely, Capricorn? Maybe all we want is to be called by our real names and to call back out and draw near. If you aren’t hearing yours, Capricorn, let the herd know.

AQUARIUS

My friend moved away and gave me his big screen TV. (It’s not as good as having a friend, but still pretty cool.) It’s got crystal-clear, multi-definition picture and fully-immersive 5-D sound that overwhelms the senses. It takes up most of my dining table. (It’s not as good as having a dining table, but still pretty cool.) So today as I sit on my futon alone with a dinner plate in my lap and a remote in my hand I think about the things that still might be missing in my life. Before you press “continue watching,” Aquarius, think for one breath about how this might deepen your connection to the world and how it might be lifting you out of it.

ARIES

I fell asleep in the chair by the window unit again, Aries. Woke up shivering under my rain jacket at three in the morning and stumbled into the bedroom where it was still too hot. Maybe I’ll just sleep here in the doorway where the temperature is at least close to livable. Sometimes, Aries, it’s too much of one thing or too much of the other. But it’s not really practical to stay in the middle. You might need some more substantial rearranging before you get to what’s next. Have you ever considered a bed in the kitchen?

TAURUS

I believe it was the Canadian poet Avril Lavigne who once said, “Life’s like this: You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get.” and I can’t remember the rest, Taurus, but you get the sentiment. I think what Avril was explaining is that the way things feel right now is exactly how they feel right now, but that’s not always how things are going to feel. So don’t make things so complicated, Taurus. Allow this moment to be just how it is. Remember, we like you the way you are (When you’re driving in your car.)