I wasn’t born yesterday, Gemini, but I don’t hold it against anybody who was. I’m sure there were some fantastic people born yesterday. I hope it was some of the best people yet. Me and you, though, we were born a good bit further back. And we may not be any wiser than the people that come after, but for now, we’ve got a responsibility to get things ready for them. I hope the people that were born yesterday will have a better world to live in than we did. And I think if we set our minds and put our backs into it, we may be able to build them one.
CANCER
I was gonna write you an inspirational horoscope about how sloths can hold their breath underwater for 40 minutes. That’s longer than a dolphin can stay underwater! So you should never underestimate your ability to survive circumstances that you don’t feel equipped for. It was going to be great, Cancer, but it turns out it’s not true. Despite that factoid appearing all over the internet, it’s just a contorted version of a scientific study that involved immobilized sloths in arrested respiration for up to 15 minutes. So I guess if you’re a sloth in this scenario, you can still do more than we expected, but I don’t think you should have to. Take a deep breath in, Cancer, and maybe try to get out of the circumstance that’s asking you not to.
LEO
The late sage Brian Wilson once said, “Here’s another great song I wrote that everybody loves,” and then he played “California Girls” for an adoring crowd. I find this inspirational, Leo, because those are the words of a person who is doing the exact thing that they ought to. You’re not always so sure of yourself, Leo, but I think it just takes practice. Keep moving in the direction the wave wants to take you. And when you find yourself on the shore, know that you still haven’t arrived. Take your board, turn around, and swim back out to catch another.
VIRGO
Remember when the whole family used to go over to the Campbell’s house because they had a swimming pool and a bigger grill than ours? Dad and Gene would fire up the coals and get some burgers on. Mom would chase us around reapplying sunscreen. And somebody would always float the watermelon in the pool where it bobbed around and probably soaked up chlorine through its thick rind. By the end of the day we’d be falling asleep in the deck chairs with water in our ears and one sunburned arm that mom missed. You’re gonna be tired at the end of today too, Virgo. And probably tomorrow. Why not get tired doing something you love?
LIBRA
In 1966 Mohammad Ali told a reporter his strategy for keeping opponents off balance was to use “different strokes for different folks.” It’s unclear if Ali invented this phrase, but he certainly popularized it. In the boxer’s formulation it’s less about allowing unique approaches to life for all types of people. It’s a strategy of having more than one way of getting the job done. If you’re sure of your objective but find yourself falling short, Libra, you may need to change your approach. It’s not just about hitting the target harder or faster, it may take a different angle altogether.
SCORPIO
I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse, Scorpio. Sorry, did I say “offer?” I meant “omelette.” I’m going to make you an omelette you can’t refuse, Scorpio. Lately, I like to use pepper jack cheese and some fresh tomato. What you’ll probably find surprising is the sauteed garlic and green chilis. It takes a little more time to get them gently browned, but I promise it’s worth it. Once I get this bad boy flipped and plated, we can have a seat and talk through whatever that deal was you were wanting to talk through. Just remember that even in business, people are people and we deserve to be seen as our whole, complicated, omelette-eating selves.
SAGITTARIUS
There are people out there who believe they’re superhuman. They think they’re in the tiny percentage of humanity that have it figured out. They think the rest of us are only here as the muscle to build the world they’re going to rule. I think we’re all superhuman, Sagittarius, but only because we’ve ingested so many microplastics that we’re more synthetic than any of our ancestors. But despite our ever-increasing percentage of artificiality, I think it’s more important than ever to treat each other as fully-human. I think that’s better than superhuman. I think if you and me and our neighbors can see each other as whole people, we increase the chances of a more human future.
CAPRICORN
Somebody gave me one of those smart speakers. I’ve just been using it to play ethereal music from my phone, but now I got a new lightbulb for the kitchen and it turns out it’s one of those smart bulbs. So I guess now I’ve got a smart home. “Eugene, turn on the kitchen light.” I command, and Eugene (I call my smart home “Eugene”) can do naught but obey. “Eugene, play ethereal music,” I decree. And Eugene fills the well-lit kitchen with exquisite tones. It makes it hard to remember, Capricorn, that the world was not made to obey me, nor I to command the world. Me and you and perhaps even Eugene are each simply a part of this planet and to find our place in it, we may need to offer fewer commands and more help. Let me get the light for you this time, Eugene.
AQUARIUS
“What do you get when you cross a spare tire and a fig?” That’s the question on the end of my popsicle stick and I simply do not know the answer. In the past, Aquarius, this kind of thing might have really sent me into a tailspin. I would have felt unequipped to even begin eating this orange-pineapple popsicle if I didn’t at least have a guess. But I’m less afraid of not knowing than I used to be. So I take a bite and I hope that when I get to the end of this chilly experience of eating sweet artificially flavored ice, I will know more about myself and care less about the answers. And if you want to know, Aquarius, what secrets are in store for you, you’d better start eating as well.
PISCES
This is like the part of the concert where the singer holds the microphone out into the audience and hopes that the chorus is thrown back in full voice. And there are so many people in this audience. And you’ve never been as strong a singer as you wish. But this is your chance to go on record as the singer of the song. Sure, your voice may get lost in the crowd, but that’s what the crowd is. The chorus might not last long, Pisces, so go ahead and sing with your whole chest.
ARIES
When you picture yourself on your deathbed, Aries, surrounded by friends and family and that one nurse who you just met and the thought occurs to you that you might have done things differently, what will you wish you’d given more time to? Will you wish you’d put more energy into running from task to task, putting out fires that you didn’t start, making sure every number in the spread sheet is correct? Or will you wish you’d given more time and attention to the people you love and the nurses you haven’t met yet? What efforts you make today will pull you in that direction?
TAURUS
When life hands you lemons, Taurus, and you make lemonade, don’t be surprised when nobody else is too excited. Because, honestly, what you’ve really made is more of a lemon juice. I’m not criticising, you were working with what you had. What I think you might need to do is find somebody to whom life has given sugar. And, if you’ve got time, find someone else who’s been given a good amount of water. And if you’re really in the spirit, find out who life is giving all the ice to. Now you’ve got three friends and a pitcher of something everybody wants. Life is looking up.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained omelettier or a certified sloth scientist . Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
