In these final days before the most crucial event of our lifetime, Leo, can we count on your support as we work to build a coalition of like-minded Leo’s to help us meet our most pressing goals of stopping [insert the worst thing you can imagine] from happening and promoting [a slightly better outcome]? If you want to unsubscribe from these fundraising horoscopes, just say STOP into the sky now…Wait, what do you mean you want to unsubscribe, Leo? Did you do that on purpose? If you did that on purpose just say STOP right now and we’ll…oh, that was quick, Leo. You really don’t want to be on this list anymore. Well it’s probably a good week to trim some unnecessary distractions out of your life anyway. What else can you stop?
VIRGO
I’ve got so much to do today, Virgo, but before I get started I need to get dressed. Before I get dressed I need to take a shower. Before I take a shower I need to clean the little moldy spots off the bathroom ceiling. And before I do that I’m gonna need to find that old sponge under the kitchen sink. But before I do that I need to put away the grocery bags I left on the floor yesterday so I can open the cabinet. And before I do that I need to make space in the cabinet. Tell you what Virgo, this might not be the day you can get everything done. Maybe just knock out the three most important things.
LIBRA
Did you see that video where somebody is brushing a capybara with a garden rake and the capybara is just squinting and sighing and making that weird, smooshy relaxed face? That’s what I wanted life to be like for you, Libra. I hoped everyday would just be a long brush & scratch session with an awkward yard utensil. But we are not capybaras, Libra, and what’s more, we may never be. So today you’ll just have to face the world unraked. In spite of this disappointing news, Libra, you can still take a few moments to close your eyes, center yourself in this moment and try to make that weird, smooshy relaxed face.
SCORPIO
The dryer stopped working, Scorpio. I mean the drum still rotates. It just doesn’t heat-up anymore. So while I’m waiting for my landlord to come take a look, I’m just staring through the little round window at these forever-wet clothes as they’re tossed and whirled in their soggy ballet and it makes me think of you, Scorpio. You’ve been spun around plenty and you’re still soaked. It feels like nothing can change. But if you can just pop out of that tumble and spend some time drying on the line – I think that’s when the real revolution starts.
SAGITTARIUS
There’s an old story about a Sagittarius who had suffered a terrible loss. The pain was so deep and the grief went on for so long they thought it would never end. So they went to the village sage and said, “Please, how can I overcome this grief?” The sage knew immediately, “First, you must bring me salt from the house of someone who has never known sorrow.” After a week, the Sagittarius returned and said, “I knocked on every door in the village. Everywhere I went people told me of their sorrows and I told them of mine. We wept and we laughed but nowhere could I find someone fit to give me salt.” The sage said, “This is your salt, Sagittarius. Go back to your new friends and keep sharing your losses and joys until the load feels lighter.”
CAPRICORN
Some folks are telling me it’s never been this bad before. They read me the worst headlines and misquote a podcast they heard about the collapse of human goodness and they tell me there’s only one way out of this mess and it is, shockingly, their way. I’m still not convinced, Capricorn. My neighbor helped me start my car this morning. Then I gave him a ride to his brother’s store and he bought me a Gatorade. Introduce yourself to the people you see everyday, Capricorn. Talk until you start to see how you might help each other. There’s always some bad out there. But there’s always the potential for good right here in the neighborhood.
AQUARIUS
I like to imagine Adam and Eve leaving that garden in a spirit of accomplishment — as though Eden was an escape room that they’d found the way out of. I like to think that as the years passed they got really into games and puzzles and riddles. They’d go back and forth on a book of logic-problems. “Can you turn the snake into an angel by just moving three matchsticks?” They’d remember fondly the time they solved that moral maze just by picking the right piece of fruit. There’s always a way out of the spot you feel stuck in, Aquarius. You may just need to talk it through with a friend.
PISCES
Remember when you and your roomate built that pyramid out of pizza boxes in your apartment? At first it was really funny but then every time I came over it was bigger and more complicated and you were spending more time on it and ordering special lights and adhesives. Then you had rules about how to show respect to the pyramid and what not to say in front of the pyramid. Then you formed a council of elders and demanded a pizza box offering from every guest who came over. Honestly, Pisces, it got kinda weird. I’m glad you got through that, Pisces. Maybe take a breath before you join up with the next big group project.
ARIES
Okay, Aries, so that’s one waffle, one pecan waffle, one chocolate chip waffle, one strawberry waffle, and one peanut butter waffle. Are you gonna need a to-go box with those? Or are you just doing that thing where you couldn’t make up your mind so you’re gonna take one bite of each one and then leave just as unsure and dissatisfied as when you walked in? I think today you need to pick just one waffle. It doesn’t have to be the right one. Just pick one and eat it and don’t wonder about the other five until tomorrow.
TAURUS
Before we get started with your horoscope, Taurus, I’ve got a question. What do you think is really going on down there in the deepest parts of the ocean? I’ve heard it gets pretty dark down there. Too dark for plants. So it must be too dark for things that eat plants. Which would mean it’s too dark for things that eat things that eat plants. So what do you think is down there? It’s funny how when you imagine a dark, heavy, mysterious place you can’t help but picture yourself there. But you’re still up here, Taurus, on well-lit dry land. I know the weight sometimes feels crushing, but if you can imagine being up and out, well then you are.
GEMINI
I found a video about how to fix this broken dryer! He says we just need a screwdriver, a drill and some golf clubs. First you unscrew all the screws on the top. Done! Then you unscrew the screws on the back. Done! Then — oh wow — I think that loud crashing sound is normal. The video says next we should drill a hole in the top and … now the guy in the video is just hitting the dryer with a golf club and saying the pledge of allegiance. I think I have once again mistaken performance art for instruction, Gemini. Make sure you watch the video all the way to the end before you start following the instructions. And you can probably put away the golf clubs.
CANCER
Can I borrow your phone charger, Cancer? My battery’s down to 30 percent and I’ve still got so much to do this afternoon! Oh, I forgot, you like to keep your phone plugged in all the time just in case. I’ve got to say, Cancer, your commitment to keeping that thing at 100 percent might be slowing you down. Staying attached to a wall outlet all day while you could be outside making new connections and seeing new sites is understandable, you don’t want to lose all that energy, but I think if you get out and move around you’ll find that you have plenty of time to recharge before tomorrow.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained theologian, or a compatible phone charger. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
