Meanwhile, Cancer, I’m over here leading the charge to get everybody ready for the county fair. You can’t fully enjoy the wonders of the fair if you’re not prepared. You want to be able to eat six corndogs in two hours? You’re gonna need to start with one corndog today. The only thing between you and a perfect round of balloon darts, is you. You think you’re good at guessing the weights of giant pumpkins now, Cancer? That doesn’t mean you can’t get better with a little more practice. You’ve been telling everybody you set the record for finding your way through the hall of mirrors in 2017, but we all know you got lost in your sister’s master bathroom for 18 minutes last May. This kind of preparation might apply to other areas of your life, I just can’t think of any off the top of my head. Now I want to see you finish that funnel cake! No complaining!
LEO
When I was a kid, all my classmates were really into professional wrestling. I think my TV didn’t get that channel and I was kind of scared of loud, aggressive, sweaty men so I didn’t really understand what the big deal was. But I knew all the characters and their catchphrases. Just the kind of thing you picked up on the playground, I guess. And I knew that the wrestler who seemed to be losing at the beginning was sure to have a miraculous turn-around before the end of the match. Maybe your recent setbacks aren’t a sign of more to come. Maybe they’re just a reminder that you’re part of a show that would be pretty boring without some dramatic losses at the start. And maybe that mania creeping over you now is just what you need to turn this around.
VIRGO
I’ve never been good at fixing broken things. This means I either end up using things that don’t quite work right anymore for way too long (I’m looking at you, one-ear-hook-sunglasses) or I end up throwing things out that somebody could have gotten up and running again (like that electric toothbrush that got stuck in the “on” position so I had to take the batteries out everytime I was done brushing). But it seems to me that this may be a time for repair, Virgo. Maybe take the extra time this week to fix the things you can.
LIBRA
All the things I remember fondly from my youth are being rebooted, Libra. For instance, normally I would get up and drive myself to work while eating a slice of cold pizza from last night and running stop signs so my boss doesn’t yell at me for being late. But this morning, I’m somehow in the backseat of my dad’s maroon Buick on the way to school–listening to Neil Diamond on the radio and trying to hold on to this awkwardly-shaped diorama of the Caprock Escarpment. I guess everything comes back around, Libra, even the things that don’t really make sense. So don’t be surprised to find yourself in familiar situations this week. And don’t be afraid to do things a little differently this time. For instance, when we get to school, I’m definitely not going to try to balance this diorama in one hand while I pick up an orange golf ball off the sidewalk with the other.
SCORPIO
Days like this it’s just all so overwhelming. There are so many strange and scary things happening in the world and it feels impossible for one little Scorpio to change any of it. When I start feeling like I don’t matter and the world is just going to crush everything I love, I like to have a conversation with the moon. I recommend it. The moon is a great listener. And the moon has been up there a long time watching people do all kinds of terrible and beautiful things. And in a week like this one, it can help to get a little perspective on how many things there are in the universe that are unaffected by the things you’re worried about. It won’t fix all the problems, Scorpio, but spending a few minutes talking to the moon might put you in a better position to keep fighting.
SAGITTARIUS
It was a different time, Sagittarius. A performer would get up on a stage and claim to be in league with dark supernatural forces. They’d play some loud, ominous music that would convince you they were telling the truth. And the public would panic and shout about protecting the children from this evil warlock of music. These days, I’m afraid the most influential performers aren’t in metal bands. They’re on screens telling you who to hate and who to fear. Treating people just like pawns in chess. It’s still just an act to get people riled up and engaged, but it hurts real people, Sagittarius. Maybe instead of staying plugged-in to the flood of outrage, Sagittarius, you could just chill and listen to some loud, ominous music. I mean, it’s worth a try.
CAPRICORN
Scientists recently found a fossil from a 10-tentacled ancestor of the octopus which they date to the late Carboniferous period–about 328 million years ago. I recently found a harmonica at the bottom of my bedside-table drawer that I used to keep in my car to entertain myself after my stereo got stolen. I would drive around figuring out how to play hymns and TV show themes and wondering how much a new car stereo actually costs. But that’s not the only thing I have in common with scientists, Capricorn. I also believe that research needs to be repeatable. So I put that harmonica back in my car while they’re out looking for more fossil evidence of early octopoids. Just because it happened once, Capricorn, doesn’t mean you’ve got it all figured out.
AQUARIUS
The thing I like about this doctor’s office is that in the waiting room they have those little dutch waffles that you set on top of your hot coffee cup and the caramel in the center gets all gooey and it goes really well with just a cup of coffee with no sugar and maybe just a little bit of milk. The thing I don’t like about this doctor’s office is that they want to look at every little dot and freckle on my body and say things like “hmmm” and “we’ll need a scrape of that one.” So I guess every place has its advantages and disadvantages, Aquarius. I think this week it’s just about identifying the things you like about where you are and trying to see if there’s any benefit to the things you don’t like. I’ll find out in 2 to 4 business days. You might find out faster.
PISCES
Imagine we switch places, Pisces. I wake up in your life and you wake up in mine. After you get over the initial shock of seeing a middle-aged amateur astrologer looking back at you in the mirror, you’ll have to find my car keys and go work my shift at the Wandering Hills Super-Video and Tan. No doubt, you’ll find some quick fulfillment as you easily solve the problems I’ve been hiding behind for months but you’ll also learn some valuable lessons as you interact with the people in my life. Meanwhile, I’ll be sitting around your place flipping channels on the TV and waiting for this freaky fluke of a day to end (They always do. I’ve seen the movies.). Now let’s imagine you wake up in your own life, Pisces. And you’ve got a whole day to make things better. What would you do first?
ARIES
Sumo matches can go very quickly. If a competitor takes the right approach and can find their opponent’s weakness, they might push their adversary out of the ring within two or three seconds. It can be fast and decisive. But sometimes it’s less clear who won. Whose foot was outside the ring first? Did this one land on their hand before that one fell onto the clay? If you can’t tell who won, Aries, you’re going to need a mono-ii. A mono-ii is when the shimpan, sumo’s judges, circle up and have “a talk about things.” They say what they saw. They might watch a replay or two. And together they decide who won a contentious match. If you’re unsure what’s happening in the battle for your heart, Aries, you might need a circle of witnesses to weigh-in. Maybe they’ll see something you can’t. Even if not, it’s nice to talk.
TAURUS
They say there are no stupid questions, Taurus. I’m relieved, because I just asked my boss if it was ok if I just work from home today. He said it would make it pretty hard for me to help customers and stock shelves and so then I asked if maybe we could pivot our model to less of an in-person video rental and more of a remote astrological advice service. I’m pretty sure we got disconnected after that, but it’s possible he hung up on me. Sometimes, Taurus, if you want to be sure of the answer, you just have to be willing to ask.
GEMINI
According to the latest polls, Gemini, my approval rating has plummeted. I’m down 6 points with all demographics and I’ve had a shocking 11 point dive among astrology-believing professionals aged 24-36. I can only assume this is because of my failure to predict your recent personal and professional success that virtually everyone has acknowledged except for…well this is an interesting data point Gemini…that everyone has acknowledged except for you. Give yourself some credit, Gemini. You worked hard for this and now you’re acting like it’s no big deal. Celebrate the win that is your recent progress. And if you’re happy with this horoscope, would you mind filling out a brief survey? It could really help my ratings.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained teuthologist, or an authorized dunk-tank clown. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
