I know it’s not a popular opinion these days, Cancer. I realize that the story’s been told and that the heroes won — if you consider those guys heroes. I get that it’s not hip to be on the side of “the aggressor,” or whatever. Still, I like to think Jaws is still out there somewhere. An unstoppable force of nature swimming up and down the Atlantic coast, leaving an anonymous trail of fear and destruction. Because Jaws is a reminder, Cancer, that there are things in the world we’re not prepared for. There are times to dive in but there are times we should just stay out of the water and let nature run its terrible course. So keep your eyes on the shore, Cancer. And keep your ears open for a slow bass note followed by another just a half-step up.
LEO
My dearest Leo, I write to you from a field of battle, weary and unresting, but I feel I must write. The fireworks began Wednesday-last and they still have not stopped. When do they reset their mortars? I cannot say. We thought the finale was upon us when the orchestra played Sweet Caroline and the aerial plumes of red and blue came as fast and thick as the swarming locust in Pa’s August cornfield. But our hopes came to naught as the barrage of sparkles and bangs continued to fill the sky. I know not now if it is night or day. I see the twinkling fountains even when I shut my eyes. Tell Ma I wore the kerchief she sent and it kept the smoke of roman candles from choking me complete. Remember, Leo, everything that begins has an end. Even if it seems now eternal. Sincerely, — MM
VIRGO
Remember last summer, Virgo? Oh, come on! Don’t act like I don’t still know what you did last summer. It was great! I know it’s all kind of a blur, but you accomplished so many of the things you set out to do. And you learned so much about yourself and what you’re good at and who you can count on. I hope you know how much you did last summer and that this summer you can do that much and more! And if they ever make a movie about what you did last summer I bet it still won’t be as good as the one they make about what you do this summer. And I hope they’ll use at least one of the sentences from this horoscope as the title to that movie. Anyway, Virgo, have a neat summer!
LIBRA
I heard zombies are back! I guess it makes sense, Libra. That’s kind of their thing. Being back. I’m not sure why we ever thought they were gone. And I know there are some things that you hoped were gone that seem to keep coming back too, Libra. And I know it’s discouraging to see those things you thought were past shambling up next to you for another round. The past comes with us, Libra. We just learn different ways to make it a part of our story. So you’ll leave it behind again. And when it comes back, you’ll see what else it has to teach you before you move past it again.
SCORPIO
I got a new sound system for my living room so I can watch TV in Epic Surround 9.2! It’s…fine. I guess when the plane flies across the screen it really sounds like it’s going from left to right. And I guess when the villain sneaks up on the hero I can hear the door latch click over my right shoulder. And the music sure fills up the room. But I find I’m thinking about the speakers more than the story. And I wonder, Scorpio, if sometimes the tools get in the way of the message we want to convey. Even when they make things cleaner and more precise, do they distract from the person in the left channel who’s trying to connect with the person in the right? Is your technology bringing you closer to others or keeping a layer between you? Maybe hit mute and think for a beat.
SAGITTARIUS
Sometimes people ask me why I keep writing these ingots of astrological insight when there are computers that can do all that now. I tell them that–like Artificial Intelligence–I too was trained on stolen art. Stories that I absorbed from library books, jingles from afternoon TV commercials, and turns-of-phrase overheard in the mall food court. And like a large language model, I also have no idea what I’m going to say next. I just put one word after the other until it creates something like meaning. The weight of the monologue is in the ear of the hearer. But if I let a computer write this for me, then I’d be left with nothing to do but scroll my feed looking for something to believe. Instead I find it in what I create. Create something today, Sagittarius. I hope it’s hard to do. That’s what it’s for.
CAPRICORN
It’s hot, Capricorn, and you need a pool! And what’s a pool without a huge inflatable recliner with 3 cup-holders, a built-in bluetooth speaker, and a sunglass-cozy. You could recline out there all day, just floating in your crystal-clear chlorinated paradise. Yet still, it’s hot! And every time you slide into the water to cool off, you get tired out and crawl back into your floating throne only to bake in the sun again. There’s a cycle of relief and dissatisfaction that even a pool can’t free you from. What if instead you learned to live with discomfort. Try it for five minutes Capricorn, just feeling how you feel. When you’re done you can go back to resisting. Tomorrow, try it for 10.
AQUARIUS
If it was all coming to an end today, Aquarius, I’d pack you up into a little rocket and shoot you off into space. I’d know that your tiny craft would wander through the galaxy until it found a world where you could thrive. A place where you would be stronger and faster than any one you met. Somewhere you could be a hero. But, seeing as how we’ve got [checks watch] a little more time, I think maybe there’s still some good for you to do around here. Maybe see if your neighbor still needs help with his yard or if your sister could use a ride to work again tomorrow. There’s a lot of ways to be a hero, Aquarius, and I don’t think most of them require a cataclysm.
PISCES
When asked about his seemingly miraculous artistic process, Michaelangelo is said to have replied “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” Honestly, Pisces, it’s not too different from the way I feel about this block of colby-jack. Of course, by the time I’ve cut the last slice of cheese and distractedly lain it longways across another pepper-garlic Triscuit, I know my work here won’t be remembered across centuries. But each of us has a gift, Pisces. I’ve found mine and I think it’s time you let the twin-chisels of practice and love uncover yours.
ARIES
You probably can’t tell, Aries, but I used to be interesting. I liked books you never heard of and movies you’d never seen. I listened to music that wasn’t available on streaming and only watched TV shows from before you were born. But I gave all that up, Aries. It was too much work and the pay was terrible. Now I like whatever you’re into. And I don’t even know that much about it, just the regular amount. What good was it being interesting if nobody was around to be interested? I’d rather hang out with good friends and watch…whatever this is, than sit alone having thoughts I never shared. Maybe you can do both, Aries, but if you have to pick, pick the people.
TAURUS
I’m having a hard time coming up with an image for where you’re at, Taurus. Maybe it’s like watching golf on TV. Quiet and slow. Bright and precise. And you’re on the couch completely enthralled with every detail. Each backswing brings your heart into your throat. You can see so much excitement in this steady and balanced drama. But when you go to applaud, all you’ve got is a civilized golf-clap. Even alone in your living room. But I want to hear you shout, Taurus. I want you to make a sound outside like the one boiling in your heart. And then I want you to share that with everybody else, too.
GEMINI
Does anybody in this Hardee’s have a power cord for a 1991 PowerBook? I’m almost done writing Gemini’s horoscope but I’m at 5% battery and the last 5% always drops faster than you expect. You’d definitely know if you had one. It’s a 3 foot cord with a 16 pound plastic brick in the middle that turns the A/C into D/C — or the other way around — I can never remember. I guess I can keep this brief before the battery goes dead. You’re good at being prepared for the unexpected, Gemini. Just remember to stay prepared for the obvious stuff too. Like if you’re trying to get some work done outside of your home you might need to take a power cord.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained sculptor or a certified shark apologist. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
