When the water balloons start flying, Cancer, I hope you’re on my team. You’re good at filling them to just the right level of tension. You’re good at tying them off without too much fidgeting or frustration. You’ve got great aim and you always seem to know when to duck. The only note I’ve got for you, before this great neon-rubber battle begins, is you don’t have to carry so many at a time. Share the load Cancer. Just because you’re the best doesn’t mean you’re on your own. Let me carry a T-shirt-full for you, just like I know you would for all of us.
LEO
Oh look, Leo, I’ve got a new follower on Hexagram! Her name is YurBiggistFan55j91 and her bio says she’s just here to “relax and meet friends.” I guess I’ll follow back, right? Oh wow, she already sent me a private message. Hmm…says she just needs a few dollars to get out of a jam. Well, we’ve all been there, right? I guess I could maybe…wait a second, Leo! Do you think this might be a scam? I’m always too trusting of strangers asking for help. And sometimes I’m wrong. You’re so often suspicious, but remember that sometimes you’re wrong too. Take it from me, YurBiggistFan.
VIRGO
Well this is nice, Virgo. I’ve finally got a quiet afternoon alone to do a little reading and a little journaling. “Me time,” I call it. Just my book, my journal, and the fish in the fish tank. I’m gonna read a few pages and then write a little bit and…is the fish tank always this noisy, Virgo? I guess the filter is kind of running extra loud? It’s fine, I’m just gonna get back to my book and…no that’s super loud, isn’t it? Maybe if I add some more water to the tank? Or do I need to clean the filter? Maybe I should get a new one? While I’m ordering that, Virgo, remember that you’ll get more “you time” if you can accept a few imperfections.
LIBRA
It’s so nice to be in cool water on a hot day. But this lake is so cloudy I can’t see past my elbows. Did you just feel something swim past your leg, Libra? I’m sure it’s nothing. I mean, what could even be out here? A few little fish? Maybe a turtle? When did we get so far from the shore? Is it getting foggy? There it is again! Right by my foot! It’s funny, isn’t it how scary the unknown is. And how just about everything is unknown. Try to enjoy the cool water on the hot day, Libra. But maybe stay close to the shore.
SCORPIO
Pizza by the slice. Banas by the bunch. Gummi worms by the pound. Refried beans by the duffle bag. There’s so many options and it’s so easy to end up with not enough or more than you need. Start by imagining what your life would be like without each one. How does it feel? How would it feel if you had the other instead? It’s hard work, Scorpio, but it’s not just about knowing what you want, you also have to know how much to take.
SAGITTARIUS
I never thought of myself as a conspiracy theorist, Sagittarius. I didn’t believe in lizard-people or ancient secret cabals. But I realized that until recently I’ve been assuming that somebody is actually in charge. That there are smart people in the background making the big decisions and planning every play. Lately I feel like that’s just another conspiracy theory that isn’t true. And that if no wise benefactor is pulling the strings, maybe we need to hold on tighter to each other. Be the shadowy force for good in your community that you wish was leading the world.
CAPRICORN
It’s so hot out there, Capricorn, that you could fry an egg on the sidewalk. You could grill bacon on the hood of your car. You could bake biscuits in your mailbox. You could squeeze orange juice on the end of your shoe. I guess that last one doesn’t require much heat, Capricorn, but I feel like we’ve got a really good breakfast going here and I want to make sure it’s got all the fixins. Sometimes the thing that’s keeping you from getting started is exactly what you need to get the job done. Now hand me that pancake batter and help me clear off this sizzling trash-can lid.
AQUARIUS
My garden didn’t really come together this year. I think the deer and the bunnies ate all my bean plants. I forgot to harvest my radishes in time and they got too tough. My tomatoes fell over and got taken down by the weeds. But the flowers, Aquarius, that’s the one thing that worked out. They won’t make a good dinner, but they’re feeding me nonetheless. It reminds me that beauty can be as important as function, Aquarius. What beauty is feeding you?
PISCES
I was feeling great this morning, Pisces! I was dressed and fed and on time and ready to do whatever task the day presented. But then my car stalled at the stoplight and the guy behind me honked and zoomed around and once I got it started again my coffee spilled on my only good work shirt. I thought maybe I should just go home but then I wondered “what would Pisces do?” And I put on that song you like and screamed along all the way to work. So thanks for that. You’ve got great ideas. Just go with them.
ARIES
You were the kind of kid who would mix two puzzles together just to make it more of a challenge. You never wanted to do it the easy way if you knew you could do it the more impressive way. But this week, Aries, I’m going to recommend that you keep those puzzles in their own boxes. There’s no reason to complicate this. Take it one thing at a time. When you finish one, you can decide if you need to do the next one. It’s not as exciting, but that’s the point. This time, just do the thing you have to do.
TAURUS
Do you have any jumper cables, Taurus? I think my battery’’s dead. I can never remember how to hook these up. It’s positive to positive? And negative to grounding? And then you crank up yours and then…wow! Mine started right up! Thanks, Taurus! I wish it was this easy to spread positivity from friend to stranger. Stranger to friend. And maybe it is. It just takes the hopefulness to make a connection and a willingness to turn the key.
GEMINI
Have you been to that giant gas station outside of town, Gemini? The one with all those billboards and the mascot that’s maybe some kind of colorful, forever-smiling woodchuck? Well I went, Gemini, and it turns out they really do have everything. It’s a huge warehouse with aisles and aisles of anything you’ve ever wanted. They’ve got food, electronics, lawn furniture, clothes, bikes, grills, money, love, power, fame, sodas. And you can have it all, Gemini! But you have to choose. Pick something. We’ve got to get back on the road.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained florist, or a registered electrician. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
