My cats know when it’s dinner time. They even know when it’s an hour till dinner time. That’s when they start working on me. Hollering in the kitchen and running up to my feet while I’m trying to walk across the living room. I know, I know, I get it. We’re almost there guys. And sure, I’m the one who knows how to read the clock on the stove and I’m the one who knows that Duhka needs his pill 15 minutes before he eats. But you know what, Cancer? Those cats get my attention when they ask for what they want. And they get more attention than they would otherwise. You can wait for what you’re pretty sure is coming, Cancer. Or you can ask for what you need now.
LEO
I thought all those branded envelopes I kept pulling out of my mailbox were just junkmail but it turns out there really is a manufacturer’s recall on my car. It says here that if I don’t get it taken care of, the battery could spontaneously combust while my car is parked and start a fire that might ignite the gas tank. I guess I shouldn’t park so close to my apartment building. Or my neighbors cars. Or anything flammable that I like, really. And I guess I should also make an appointment to get this fixed. Sometimes, Leo, the course is laid out in front of you and you know exactly what the next step is. And sometimes you still spend all afternoon moving your car instead of just calling the number to solve the problem. What’s your next step, Leo?
VIRGO
If I’d lived back in the caveman days, Virgo, I simply would have built a house. Well, first I would have invented a rudimentary chainsaw in order to cut down trees efficiently. Then I would have forged brass door hinges and refined some sand into polished glass for windows. I would have created some simple asphalt-coated roofing shingles and a very basic HVAC system. In short, I would have skipped the cave thing all together. I guess it’s easy to say, Virgo, what you would have done if you’d been around during another time. But it’s harder to get out and actually do the things that your current time requires. Look out your perfectly transparent window and see what the world out there needs today.
LIBRA
The dental hygienist says I need to floss. I really thought he wouldn’t notice. I thought I was really pulling this clean-teeth thing off. But then came the blood. So much blood. Too much to ignore. And he says if I floss regularly, that will get better. I’ve just never been convinced my own repeated actions will ever add up to as great a success. Despite the fact that my own repeated inactions continue to result in varying degrees of failure. Maybe we should give it a try, Libra? I’ll start flossing and you…well you just do whatever repeated helpful exercise you’ve been avoiding. We’ll meet back here in a couple months and see if there’s less blood.
SCORPIO
I had to make an appointment to get the manufacturer’s recall serviced on my car. It’s totally free! But the dealership is only open on weekdays during business hours so I had to drop my Thursday shift at the Wandering Hills Supervideo and Tan. I guess that cost me a day’s work. Maybe I can pick up a shift this weekend? But then I’ll miss my astrology book group and we’re almost done with “Stars–They’re Just Like Us!” Sometimes it feels like there aren’t enough hours to balance the things we have to do, the things we should do, and the things we want to do. You know how it is, Scorpio. But maybe we’ve got our categories wrong? Maybe the things we think we want to do really are the things we have to do. And maybe there are more things you can do than you knew?
SAGITTARIUS
It’s not so much the heat, Sagittarius, as it is the inhumanity. I just don’t want to go out there and face it. It’s nice in here in the dry air conditioning. If I go out there I’ll get all sweaty and tired. And what if I look stupid trying to stand up for the rights and dignity of my fellow human beings? What if it’s more than I can handle? Well, of course it is, Sagittarius. It’s more than anybody can handle. But if we’re together, we’ve got a better shot. I know it’s hot. And I know there’s an overwhelming amount of work to do. But you won’t be the only one facing it, Sagittarius. Take your water bottle.
CAPRICORN
I planted all those pumpkin seeds you gave me, Capricorn. Honestly, it’s all I planted this year. The vines have completely taken over the garden and there’s big yellow flowers that pop out in the mornings. And it’s a nice reminder, Capricorn, that right now it’s too hot and humid, but in a few months there are going to be pumpkins everywhere. I’m not saying that you should wait around for some autumnal future to arrive. Real life is happening right now and it’s hot and we need to feel that and act accordingly. I’m just saying that there’s a chance that this heat will pay off. And as hard as things are now, I hope that we’ll both be around to enjoy the pumpkining that is to come.
AQUARIUS
The guy at the dealership says there are actually 3 recalls on my car. It’s not just the one I already knew about that keeps the battery from exploding. There’s also one to keep the brakes from locking and another one to make it where it’s not so easy to steal. I told him the locked brakes and exploding battery sounded like a pretty good security system to me, but he didn’t think it was funny. Anyway, now I’m stuck in the dealership waiting-room for the rest of the day. Feeling trapped can be anxiety producing, Aquarius. It makes me want to stay distracted, but if you can steer your attention into the anxiety you might find out it’s got something to tell you. A bright, quiet lobby might be an opportunity to notice some things you’ve been avoiding. Also, free coffee and pretzels!
PISCES
“You can’t do that in here.” That’s what the guy behind the counter at the Tastee-Freez used to tell me just because of the way I ate my chilli dogs. I would just stare him straight in the eyes and keep going. Obviously, I can do that in here, buddy. It made me so mad being told what to do. But after weeks of anger and irritation and a couple of calls to Tastee-Freez corporate, we finally came to an agreement. I could order inside but I had to go outside before I got started working on the ‘dogs. Sometimes compromise is necessary, Pisces. It’s hard to move from the emotional to the practical, but it’s usually worth it. We’re all doing the best that we can.
ARIES
I’m going to read that article you sent me, Aries. It really does look interesting. But my phone is telling me that first I need to close some of the old tabs of articles I meant to read but never got around to. Let’s see, looks like I have…4,681 open tabs? Wow. That’s more than I expected. As soon as I look through those and get them closed I’ll read that article you sent me. But first I need to rearrange these icons on my home screen. There’s a couple of apps on there I don’t even know what they do. Oh, look at this! It’s a picture of you and me but this app made it where we’re in Flintstones clothes! Sorry, what were you asking me? No, I haven’t read it yet. Sometimes, Aries, there are things in the way of the things in the way of the things in the way of the next step. Skip them.
TAURUS
The dealership finished the free recall repairs on my car. They called my name in the lobby and took me into a little room where a technician said “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” The good news, he informed me, is that I’ve survived this long in a car with some very serious safety issues. The bad news is that my wiper blades are coming apart and “poor windshield visibility can lead to catastrophic accidents.” He offered to replace the wipers for just $788. “A piece?” I asked. He laughed and said that would cover the pair. I had to sign a waiver refusing the service, but I still feel good about my decision. I can get wiper blades at Ophelia’s for $22. Sometimes, Taurus, you need to listen to the experts. Sometimes the experts need to chill.
GEMINI
Everywhere I look there are so many things in the world that need fixing. I finally decided to volunteer at a local charity, but they didn’t want my help. They said all the canned goods I brought them were expired and my wheelbarrow of wet cement wouldn’t do them any good because they’re a “legal aid” group. I’m not sure what that means, Gemini, but it did make me think–you’ve got a lot to offer but try to find a way to line up your special skills with the needs of others. And when you can’t do that, be willing to do the work that’s needed, not just the work you imagined doing.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained James Dean impersonator or a certified volunteer coordinator. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
