Hoboscopes: January 31, 2023

AQUARIUS

Predicting the weather is hard, Aquarius. In ancient times we would pay attention to the color of the sky or the burrowing of the ground squirrels or the direction the ravens flew and then we’d make guesses. These days we have satellites and radar and computer modeling and then, well, we make guesses. It’s mostly just that as good as we’ve gotten at observing causes-and-effects, we still just can’t see the future until we get there. Remember that this week, Aquarius, when you find yourself worrying about the worst-case-scenario that’s just around the corner. You don’t really know what’s going to happen any better than you know where that raven is going.

PISCES

Remember, Pisces, your yearly astrological self evaluation is due by the end of the week. Please take a few moments now to assess your performance over the past year by writing down five things that changed, five things that you wished had changed but didn’t, and five things that you feel grateful stayed the same. Please submit your responses by midnight on Friday by reading them aloud to the night sky. Once you’ve completed this evaluation try to forget the whole thing by this time next year. The Stars think you’re doing just fine.

ARIES

Has there been more fog around here lately, Aries? I’m looking out the front window and I can barely see a thing. Just a hazy outline of my neighbor’s shed-light and some antlers drifting across the yard. Despite the fog, I still believe the yard is there; the porch and the driveway and probably the rest of that deer. It’s like that sometimes, Aries, we can’t see what’s out there but we can make some educated guesses. So step carefully down those front stairs, but do step. Things should clear-up before too long.

TAURUS

The algorithm doesn’t want you to see this, Taurus. That incomprehensible artificial intelligence that pushes certain bits of information into your feed and keeps others out doesn’t even know you’re reading this right now. Since we’ve got a moment of privacy here, Taurus, human-to-human, I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re doing a great job this week. You’ve come through some difficult things lately, and while your targeted ads are still selling you solutions to problems you had weeks ago, I just wanted to swing by and tell you personally that you’re stepping into something new.

GEMINI

This is the year that we learn to disagree. I’m not talking about “agree to disagree,” Gemini. That’s just a way of saying we can’t talk about it. We’re going to start with the people we love and respect the most because they’ll let us practice. When a disagreement comes up you’re going to talk through it until you feel like they’ve heard and understood you. And you’re going to listen until you feel like you’ve heard and understood them. And there you have it, Gemini. After you get good at this, you can try it with somebody you only mostly like and respect.

CANCER

Your calendar’s been pretty full the last few weeks, Cancer. And I noticed you let out a little sigh of relief when your lunch plans cancelled. I get it. It’s a rush when you feel so over-extended and then suddenly there’s some space in your schedule. I just want to make sure that the gaps you’re celebrating are the gaps you need. Can you find a way to cancel your afternoon meeting instead? I just think some time with somebody who really cares about you might do you more good than another brainstorming session at work.

LEO

Bulls get a lot of flack for what they do in china shops, Leo. Sure, plates are gonna get broken, but isn’t that bull pretty amazing? He’s got to be 2,000 pounds of pure muscle and horn and wouldn’t you rather watch this tragic ballet than have an intact classic 24 piece dinner set? All I’m saying, Leo, is that bulls do what bulls do and some china shops need to be in a few more pieces. When he’s done in there Leo, call me. I’ve got a barn full of dishware you can use.

VIRGO

We’re just a few weeks into this year, Virgo, and HR says you’ve already used up all your sick days. Shouldn’t be a problem, though. All you have to do is make it another 11 months without getting sick. Sometimes, Virgo, I think these systems aren’t really made for human beings. They’re made to fit into gaps in payroll software. If you’re finding yourself trapped in those gaps, I hope you’ll hang up on whatever that terrible hold-music is and find a person to talk to. That’s the best way to remember that you’re a person too.

LIBRA

Sometimes it’s simple. You hit your thumb with a hammer and it hurts! So you get mad and you yell at the nail. But you may be finding things are less linear lately, Libra. First you get mad. Why are you mad? It must be that nail! You better go do some yelling, right? But there’s no hammer and no thumb. There’s just you and the mad. Take a breath, Libra. Let the mad come on it’s own. Forget the nail. Ask the mad what it wants. Maybe it’s aimed at something more surprising.

SCORPIO

I’ve been doing a lot of unsubscribing from emails this week, Scorpio. Pretty much every email I get is an update from a concert venue I went to six years ago or a new special from a restaurant that I used to really like. And when I get those I think, “I should read that sometime. I like that restaurant.” And then it just stays in my inbox forever. I’ve decided to make some room. I’m not keeping any of it, Scorpio. I have a problem and I have to change. Even if I’m curious about travel specials to Scotland, I have to unsubscribe. Where could you make a little room this week, Scorpio? Think about it and email me.

SAGITTARIUS

Did you hear about that guy who’s building a rocket to Mars? Not one of those space-billionaires. This is just a regular guy. He says he’ll launch in June. He already put in for the time off from work. Says he just wants to see what’s up there. Anyway, Sagittarius, I’m just reminded again that if you’ve got an interest I think you should pursue it. If there’s someplace you wish you were going, I think this is a great time to start building your way that direction.

CAPRICORN

Maple syrup is a different kind of sweet than honey. It’s got a little less immediacy to it and some twangier low-notes. And honey is brighter than brown sugar but brown sugar spreads wider across the tongue and lasts longer in the throat. I just wanted to let you know the results of some of my experiments, Capricorn, since you’re the only one who agreed to help me clean this sticky mess off the kitchen counter. And I thought you could use a reminder that sweetness isn’t the only thing we value about you. Don’t be afraid to share all those other flavors too.