Hoboscopes: January 3, 2023

CAPRICORN

We really did it, Capricorn! I knew we could. Against all odds, we crawled across last year’s finish-line and somehow got this far into a whole nother month in a whole nother year. But before we start gritting our teeth and pushing forward to get through another one, maybe let’s stop and ask if we can do better than tolerate the next 12 months. What if we could actually be present in the now instead of looking forward to getting through with what’s coming next? Time is the thing you traverse regardless of what you accomplish or avoid. But this moment is the one you’re actually in. Stay with it for a little bit.

AQUARIUS

I used to try to keep up with what everybody was talking about online. “The discourse” as “they” say. I’d see somebody posting about how some elected official, actor or commentator would never live this down. Then I’d spend hours reading through threads and articles and posts trying to figure out what the thing was I was supposed to be mad about. I do less of that now, Aquarius. Instead I watch the fish in my fish tank, or go for a walk when it’s a little too cold and call my brother or look at the stars. That’s the new discourse. What’s in your discourse this week?

PISCES

The guy behind the counter at the tire shop thinks I’m a joke. He hates me. I brought my car in for two new tires and he told me it would be 90 minutes. He took my keys, and ever since then he’s been completely ignoring me and helping other customers. I mean, I guess I don’t really know what he thinks. And I guess he hasn’t said anything to me except “let me know if you need anything else.” I guess it’s possible that my assumptions about what other people think are just made up in my head. What would it matter if he did think that, anyway? Try to not put your thoughts in other people’s heads this week, Pisces.

ARIES

I visited my great-grandfather Mysterio’s grave last week. It’s just a couple miles from here and I thought it was as good a time as any to check-in. I got my mom on the phone and she told me some stories about what he was like while I sat by his grave trying to find a feeling. I never met ole Pop Mysterio, but some of the people who loved me best loved him too. They all mostly did their best, trying to take care of each other and then eventually trying to take care of me. They all messed up a bunch, too. Love each other now while you’re still alive, Aries. It’s not perfection and it doesn’t always feel good, but it’s what we’ve got to work with.

TAURUS

I’ve got it figured out Taurus. This year, I’m only breathing out. No more inhaling for me. That’s when they get you. You start that deep in-breath and who knows what you’re getting? Bacteria, pollutants, viruses, unpleasant smells, overlarge chunks of hotdog — you can inhale all kinds of unhelpful things. That’s why I’m sticking with exhaling from now on. Sometimes, Taurus, we realize that the most beneficial solution isn’t really a practical one. If we can’t go all the way, what’s one more step toward the middle? Maybe only breathing in on Wednesdays? I’m just throwing out ideas here. Let me know what you come up with.

GEMINI

There should be a website for posting reviews of the future. Like, I know you’ve got a lot of fears about what’s next and a lot of guesses, hopes, and plans. Maybe instead of spinning on it for another hour, you could sit up and write a review. Write a five star review of how you hope things will turn out. Write a one star review of our worst case scenario. You’re guessing anyway, why not put it into words like it’s actually going to happen. Personally, I think the future is a great place to go and I’d recommend it to anybody. The food is amazing but the lighting is a little hazy. I’ll see you there, Gemini.

CANCER

I’m finally ready, Cancer! I’m ready to get out there and run and climb trees and do somersaults in the grass. I’m ready to get moving! But there’s just one thing stopping me. It’s way, way too cold. And I think it might be for a while. Sometimes, Cancer, we’re ready to take the next step but it’s out of sync with the outside world. Maybe that means you wait for things to warm up. Maybe that means you get out there and get moving, anyway. Whichever you choose, the world will catch up eventually.

LEO

This white-noise playlist has way too much variety. One minute I’m sitting next to a babbling stream, ignoring the sounds of splashing water on rocks and just when I settle in, it skips to a subtle rain tapping on the roof. OK, I could get used to this, but about the time I do I’m suddenly enveloped in wind blowing through the prairie. I might as well just be listening to the music playing over the speakers at this Arby’s. Oh look, my fries are up! Anyway, Leo, I wonder what you’re tuning-out lately. What have you learned to ignore that might actually need some attention?

VIRGO

How many times did you watch that one video where the kid sees a moose on the back porch and jumps and yells “Mom!” and then the moose throws up and the cat jumps off the kitchen counter and knocks the kid’s hat off? Hilarious! I couldn’t get enough of that one, Virgo. I let it play on a loop for days. It was all I could stand to do. Maybe I needed help, Virgo. Maybe I should have called. Anyway, if you find you can’t get off the couch or take your eyes off that tiny phone screen, maybe reach out. We can talk about that crazy noise the cat makes.

LIBRA

If I were a manatee this would all be easier. I wouldn’t have to wonder if I said the wrong thing to my boss or if I came off as too kurt with the chatty checker at the gas station. I would just be a manatee. I’d probably swim over to the other side of the inlet to find tastier sea-grasses than the ones on this side. I wouldn’t have to think about my own mortality or how my eyesight isn’t as good as it used to be. I’d just think about how it’s nice to swim and that the water is warm and this might be a good place to sleep. Unfortunately Libra, we’re not manatees. We’re people. And it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing and sometimes scary. That’s why we need to stick together, Libra. If you’d float a little further this direction, I’ll float a little bit that way.

SCORPIO

The cells in the lining of your stomach are less than five days old. Five days from now, you’ll have a whole new set of cells in there. The cells that make up your bones refresh every ten years or so. Some of the cells in your brain, you keep with you your whole life, Scorpio. Your thoughts are new every moment and they change as soon as you notice them. But somehow, Scorpio, your thoughts are the things you’ve decided are you. You’ve got so many parts. Some have been here longer than others. Sit for a minute and watch how they all interact.

SAGITTARIUS

Bob Marley once said “In this bright future, you can’t forget your past.” At least, I think that’s what he said. I had the window rolled down and the guy behind me was honking and waving his arms for me to pull over. Anyway I know there are things in the past that you’d rather forget and that the future looks brighter without all that in the way. And it’s ok to set the past aside. Just like I ought to set my laptop aside and stop typing while I’m driving. You don’t have to do everything Bob Marley says. I should probably exit here before this guy runs me off the road. And you should give the past the exact amount of weight you feel it deserves. Everything is gonna be alright. I heard that in a song.