Hoboscopes: January 17, 2023

CAPRICORN

I remember walking toward that mountain, Capricorn. And how no matter how far we walked, the mountain always seemed to be just as far away as it was when we began. So after what seemed like hours (but may have only been 15 minutes), we chose a different path and found a closer destination. What was the thing you wanted to do last year but never got to? And what was the thing that kept you from getting there? Was that really it, or is that just something you decided to do instead? No judgment from me, Capricorn, but be honest. Whether you want to make another run at that mountain or stay closer to where you’re at, just acknowledge that you have a choice.

AQUARIUS

People are always singing about “when you wish upon a star” but not enough people are asking “why you wish upon a star?” What I mean, Aquarius, is that we all want things. Maybe they’re physical things like a bigger house or a faster horse or a talking cricket. Maybe they’re less tangible things like true love or a sense of self-worth or a satisfied cricket. We make these wishes all day long with actions and imaginings. But why is there always a next thing to wish? Why is there always a craving for things to be other than they are? Next time you see the star take some time to feel the longing. And wonder what it would be like to just accept that feeling as a part of you and not a void to fill.

PISCES

The sun will come out tomorrow, Pisces. At least, that’s what the short, red-haired, orphan meteorologist on TV just said. Personally, I’m not so sure. It’s been pretty hazy out there all week and my weather app is just pictures of dark clouds, black cats, and lightning bolts in the shape of question marks. I’ve never seen it do that. I think the sun is gonna be a few more days. Instead of singing songs about a brighter future, it may be useful to make peace with the present darkness.

ARIES

My UPS delivery driver was telling me about this text group she’s in where every day she has to text five things she’s grateful for and everybody else texts five things they’re grateful for. I thought it sounded like a great idea but I didn’t have a group to text so I’ve just been writing things I’m grateful for on pieces of paper and leaving them around the grocery store. I’m only telling you this, Aries, because if you’re picking out a jar of pickles and a note that says “Baby Sloths” falls to the floor, I don’t want you to be startled. And if you want to join my “text group” all it takes is some scrap paper and a little gratitude.

TAURUS

I’m planning a heist, Taurus. We have big plans and I’m hoping you’ll join my crew as the getaway driver. Honestly, Taurus, it’s more of a heist movie marathon and we need somebody to drive us to pick up the pizzas because my coupon only works for carry-out orders. In any case, I see you as a crucial part of this team and we’re definitely going home with more than we brought. Mostly, though, I want you to remember that you have an important role to play. There are things that only you bring to any conversation. Don’t forget your value. We can pay you for gas.

GEMINI

I woke up 10 minutes before my alarm went off this morning. “Well, why not get an early start?” I thought. And that was going pretty well, just making myself a cup of tea and putting cat food in the cat food bowl and then “bim-dom-dim-bom-dim!” my alarm starts going off and I swivel around and reach to shut it off and I trip over the cat and spill my tea on the rug and my day is already off to a bad start and I’m not even supposed to be up yet. Mornings are so unfair. But it reminds me, Gemini, that every 10 minutes is another chance for a fresh start. If you don’t like the way this one is going, set a timer and try again.

CANCER

How exciting! Candy! Oh, wait, no. It says “Cancer.” Sorry to get all excited, Candy…I mean, Cancer. I honestly think I just need to get my eyes checked. Time was, I could read a license plate at 100 yards. These days I have to hold my phone 6 inches from my face just to see the texts I get from my doctor reminding me to schedule a colonoscopy. I thought I’d stay young for a lot longer, Cancer, but here we are. Time passes too quickly. Have some candy when you get the chance. And call your doctor back if you get a message. I’m gonna schedule an eye appointment.

LEO

Do you think this is the “sell by” date or the “use by” date? I only bought it last Tuesday and I’d expect it to be good for at least another week. And is that last number a “1” or a “7?” Does it even look the right color to you? Is the fridge supposed to be at 41 degrees or is that too high? Sometimes, Leo, you need to gather more information. But sometimes you just need to screw off the lid, pour a little bit in a saucer, sniff it and sip it and see if it’s sour. You’ve put a lot of effort into gathering information, but you’re never really going to know until you try it.

VIRGO

Remember when they remodeled the drug store on 29th Street into an escape room? You’d go in for some Advil and a box of Triscuits and before you knew it you were trapped on the shaving cream aisle with four people you just met trying to solve a crossword puzzle in the checkered tiles on the floor that would unlatch the gate to the 1 hour photo counter so you could ring the bell to open the sliding doors. “Of course! Use the angled mirrors on the ceiling! The message was backwards the whole time! Do I still have to pay for these crackers?” Well, Virgo, this week remember what you learned about the power of pressure and the wonder of creative collaboration with strangers.

LIBRA

It’s like that old joke about how two wrongs don’t make a right but three lefts do. And there’s you, Libra, waiting for the green arrow so you can take another hard turn at finding forgiveness or being understood. I guess I’ve been around that same block a time or two, friend, and these days I’m thinking it’s not about absolution or even restitution much less the resignation to retribution that first got you to turn that ignition. Pull over, Libra. Put this whole show in park before you run out of fuel. Walk away from that spinning wreck or walk toward something solid and still. Turn a new corner. Make your own right.

SCORPIO

How long does it take to bake a potato, Scorpio? Probably at least 20 minutes, right? I feel like this is the kind of thing I should know by now. Isn’t that what being an adult is? Getting headaches, watching british mystery shows, and baking potatoes? Anyway, Scorpio, while I’ve got that spud warming up, we’ve got at least enough time to talk about your plans. Tell me what you’re trying to change. Tell me what you wish was different. Tell me what you like most about yourself. Better yet, Scorpio, tell somebody who’s closer to you than I am. Somebody who knows how to bake a potato.

SAGITTARIUS

When I was a kid we didn’t have boundaries. Didn’t know about them, at least. Said yes to every request, just in case it’s what they wanted. Why would it matter what I want? How would I know that anyway? That’s why I’m so impressed everytime I hear you say “no,” Sagittarius. It’s something I never learned to do. But I’m learning it from you. You probably don’t need the stars to tell you to ask for what you need and to decline what doesn’t serve you at the moment. But as your amateur astrologer, I’m politely requesting that you keep this up. Do it for you. I’ll be taking notes.