People around here like to complain about the other people around here. “Why am I the only person who knows how to drive in this kind of weather!” Everybody is pretty sure it’s everybody else’s fault. “When I was a kid, we’d get a storm three-times this bad and you think they closed the schools?” And we all agree and we wonder aloud what all the hubbub is about. But in my secret heart, Capricorn, I live for the forced slow-down. I wonder why we posture and push-through on a day when nature is telling us all to stop. Find a warm place and wait for this to pass. Sometimes it’s the same with the storms inside.
AQUARIUS
I see that I’m invited to my high school reunion. The note has some impossibly-large number of years on it — that can’t be right! Honestly, I probably won’t attend. It’s a long way to go for small-talk catch-up around a cheese plate. Nothing particular against the attendees. The more time goes by, the more certain I am that we’re all more alike than I ever knew. But I was always too afraid to plug in much. What it makes me realize, Aquarius, is that the people in my life now will someday be the people from my past. And I wonder how I could connect with folks today in a way that would make a reunion of now irresistible. Stay cool, Aquarius.
PISCES
I’ve asked my phone to set a timer for five minutes, Pisces, and I’m afraid that’s all the time I’ve got to provide you with a flawless dose of astrological insight. It’s not that I have anyplace else to be, it’s just that I’ve found momentum to be a sure way to arrive at truth. When I have too much time, I’m careful and I hesitate and I might not tell you the thing you need to know the most. And I’m not trying to rush you, of course. But I think you’ve been putting off a decision or two. And I think you may have all the information that you need. And you might find that the best way to get to your final answer is to set a timer and know that when it goes off, you’re there.
ARIES
The eye doctor wanted a better look at my optic nerve, so she gave me those drops that dilate your pupils until that little black circle takes up nearly the whole iris. She said everything looks fine in there after all, but now I can’t really see the text you sent me. She said it would wear off in “a few hours,” which as I sit and stare at this blurry screen seems like a very long time. It makes me think, Aries, that we could all stand to cultivate more activities that don’t require perfect up-close vision. A conversation with a slightly-blurry friend is far more rewarding than struggling to read headlines that I’ll forget by next week. And you can even do that without those eyedrops.
TAURUS
You remember that part in the movie where the treacherous villain told the brilliant detective that both of the most important people in their life were being held captive and there was only enough time to save one of them? That’s how it feels every day lately, Taurus. Running from task to task, person to person, knowing that at the end of the day you will still let somebody down. But if I remember right, the brilliant detective never plays by the rules set by the treacherous villain. Make your time your own and then you can share it how you want instead of how you think you have to. Do it before the timer reaches zero!
GEMINI
Sometimes it feels like you’re in a videogame and your health bar is down to like 22 percent and you can see the supply cache from where you’re hiding and you know there’s at least one medkit in there. If you make a dash for it, you’re going to take some hits. How do you know if it’s worth the risk? I think this is a moment to reverse course, Gemini. Where else could you restore some health-points? Back out of that hiding spot slowly and head in a safer direction. The supply cache will still be there when your HB is higher.
CANCER
My new pillow has self-chilling Smoosh-Grip™ technology that allows it to conform to the shape of my skull while the head-soothing Micro-Mousse™ particles fetch heat away from my body and into a self-charging battery that powers a Jade Noise™ generator to create a “soothing strawberry hum.” At least, that’s what it’s supposed to do. I found the Micro-Mousse™ too itchy on my ears and I swear the Smoosh-Grip™ fiber-folds smell funny. And once I figured out that the Jade Noise™ generator was just playing “Rock-a-bye Baby” very quietly I found it pretty distracting. So I’m on the futon writing horoscopes. Hope you’re getting some sleep tonight, Cancer. But if your brain is spinning too fast, forgive it. That’s what brains do. Give it something easier to chew on till it slows down. Rest is rest, Cancer. It doesn’t even need a trademark.
LEO
All of science fiction has basically agreed that whenever humanity finally starts making lightyears-long space flights, everybody’s getting in their own suspended-animation cryo-pods for the long trip. Just sleeping in perfect stasis until you arrive at your intragalactic destination. But I’m pretty sure those pods don’t exist. And if they did exist, Leo, too many of us would gladly take the pod and skip the trip. Just put me in suspended animation until all this other stuff gets worked out, right? But we’re here and it’s now and I’m afraid we might have to face things as they are. Being awake for this whole trip isn’t easy, Leo, but it’s the only honest way I know.
VIRGO
kmmdfjssss 78yuuuuuuuiyh8. Sorry, Virgo, I think my cat walked across the keyboard while I was making tea. And, if I’m going to be honest, I was making tea because I couldn’t ascertain just what the stars wanted me to tell you this week. But when I came back and saw kmmdfjssss 78yuuuuuuuiyh8 everything made a lot more sense to me. Sometimes you just have to start. Get something on the page. Somehow my cat knows that better than I do. You might start with something that makes sense. You might not. But put a paw on the keyboard and see what happens.
LIBRA
I heard somewhere that you’re a poet. Don’t argue with me about this one, Libra. Even if you don’t feel like a poet today, I’m pretty sure you’re a poet. And what a poet does, as I understand it, is try to pile-up words into truth. That might be the truth of the world you see. It might be the truth of something you feel or just know without even feeling. Despite what you may have heard, it’s a good time to be a poet. Start stacking those words, Libra. You can do it for us or you can just do it for you but don’t forget you’re a poet.
SCORPIO
I was having a fine morning, really. I’m not usually like this. I was having a fine morning and I knew what I needed and what I needed to get done. And I stepped off the curb and my left foot splashed into a puddle. And I was having a fine morning until the water soaked through my shoe and into my sock and now every other step makes a squishing sound and my foot is cold and my toes are wet and I’m scared I’m not even gonna make it through this. What I’m saying, Scorpio, is that I get it. With my one wet foot, I can extrapolate all the pain in the whole world. Even yours. And I think we’re both gonna survive. It’s uncomfortable. It’s disappointing. But I think this might still be a fine morning. Even if this foot never dries.
SAGITTARIUS
I set the cat food to autoship every four weeks. They said I’d save 10 percent! But after the second bag, the vet said Frittata was dehydrated and needed more fluids. So I ordered the canned food that she suggested. A case every three weeks. Subscribe and save! And in the meantime Stanton had to get on a new pill for his eczema — one bottle autoshipped every two months. And I’m a little backed-up on the dry food but there’s another bag coming on Thursday. Maybe I can donate it somewhere? Frittata won’t eat the cans unless I put warm water on them, but Stanton won’t let her finish anyway. And I wonder, Sagittarius, if the automation is helping or just giving me one more thing to manage. Maybe right now we should just be taking things one at a time.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained all-weather tire, or a certified pillow tester. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
