I’m sorry, what, Pisces? I know this is the third time I’ve asked you to repeat yourself in as many sentences. It’s just that everytime you start talking, my phone buzzes in my pocket. And even though I’m practicing presence by not taking it out to check, my mind just starts racing through all the things it might be. What if it’s a text from my mom? What if it’s an alert about an epic thunderstorm? What if it’s a notification from an astrology app that I forgot to disable? I guess we all know a few things we can do to be less distracted. Maybe this is a good day to do one. Anyway, Pisces, you were saying?
ARIES
The sun is staying out later again. Honestly, I find it scarier than the darkness. When the sun goes down, it’s easy to shut-out so much information about the world. Everything comes in through the windows and the cracks around the doors. And all the light wants to tell you something about what’s going on out there and how you should feel about it. It wears me out, Aries. And I miss just sitting in the dark. But I think maybe we should go for a walk out there. Engage with all that reality on some limited basis. Take in the facts and then come back home and shut it out again for a while. Next week, it’s gonna be a little brighter, so let’s keep building up that tolerance.
TAURUS
You can lead a horse to water, and isn’t that strange, Taurus? Humans probably started riding horses about 5,000 years ago and now we’ve got this whole system where domesticated horses depend on humans even as humanity’s dependence on horses continues to decrease. And now we’re being domesticated by technology. We need it to find food, water, shelter and comfort. And one day we may find that technology doesn’t much need us anymore. That’s a great reason to stay on good terms with horses, Taurus. Keep showing them where the water is. And remember that all of this will change again.
GEMINI
I got you a gift card, Gemini. It’s 2,500 Shred-Coins for that video game you like. Is that a lot? Like, will you be able to buy the new Freedom-Frog Skinpack? Or maybe unlock the Sunspray Racing Gulag? I know you were excited about that. Anyway, the guy at Walgreens thought 2,500 would be a good start. And I was hoping maybe you could show me what you buy with it. I’ve never played, but I always like hearing about what you’re interested in, and I think the world’s a better place when we can give each other at least that much focus. And maybe I can tell you more about how my amateur astrology club discovered the date that the world will forever fall into darkness. Shoot me a text and we’ll catch up.
CANCER
The neighbor’s cat killed a mole and left it in my driveway. I thought it was just a violent coincidence, but a week later, it happened again.I think he’s trying to show me who’s really in charge. He knows I can’t catch a mole and he wants everybody on the block to know that he can. Anyway, Cancer, it reminded me of how you’ve been a little overlooked lately. I know you generally don’t mind operating in the background, but I think it’s a good time to do something that will remind people what you can do. But don’t leave dead moles around. It’s been done.
LEO
As you’ve probably heard, Leo, I’m pretty good at making over-easy eggs. I flip them at just the right time, and I almost never break the yolks. What I’ve been trying to keep hidden, is that my scrambled eggs are sub-par. They’re usually a little dry and flat. So it turns out, Leo, that I just haven’t been cooking them hot enough. I’ve been so worried about burning them, that I leave the stove too low and I’ve been using too much…Leo? Leo? Are you even listening to me? Oh wait. This is that thing I do where I start right in with what’s going on in my life and I forget to ask about yours. Let’s start again. I’ll make breakfast and you tell me what’s been going on.
VIRGO
My niece got me a sticker that says “Do one thing everyday that scares you.” So I stuck it on my water bottle but everyday when I would look at it, I would just feel sort of overwhelmed and guilty. What if I’m not really living my life? What if I never take a chance? Then my niece got me a sticker that’s a picture of a frog wearing sunglasses. So I stuck that on top of the “that scares you” part. Now it just says “Do one thing everyday” It’s still not easy to live up to, but sometimes that’s all the encouragement I need. Take that frog’s advice, Virgo. And if you forget to do one thing today, you can try again tomorrow.
LIBRA
The guy in line in front of me at this donut shop says he’s getting really into “manifesting reality.” He says I should try envisioning the thing I want and then asking the universe for it outloud. Then he ordered a chocolate frosted, a powdered-sugar cake, and an apple fritter. I noticed because that’s the same thing I usually get. I guess he manifested his donuts. I just ordered mine regular. Whether you pull what you want toward you out of the cosmic ether or just ask Wayne at The Don-Hut, I do think you should practice telling somebody what you want.
SCORPIO
I used to really like roller coasters, Scorpio. The best part is really the long drag up to the first drop, click-click-click and then you hang there for a few seconds anticipating the thrill. Then it’s all just zooms and twists and flips and it’s over before you know it. This rollercoaster we’re on now, though, it’s different. They’ve somehow managed to keep all the ups and downs and turns, but they eliminated the part where it slows down enough to think about it. It’s not even fun, it’s just exhausting. Here comes another triple-loop. Does anybody know how this ends? I don’t think it can last forever, Scorpio, I’m just glad we’re on it together. Here comes the camera again, let’s pretend we fell asleep. Maybe they’ll let us get off after the next cobra roll.
SAGITTARIUS
Hey look, Sagittarius, a frisbee. It’s just laying here in the grass. Oh no! That guy over there is yelling at me to throw it back to him. He must be 50 yards away. Actually, I don’t know anything about yards, but that looks way further than I could reliably throw. Would you do it? I just get so embarrassed if I do a bad job at something people think is easy. You’re always so much more athletic and you’ve got better aim. Oh wow! That went way to the left and he’s running over to pick it up. Oh, I get it, Sagittarius, it’s just not a big deal. You participated and he got his frisbee back and it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t perfect. I guess help isn’t the same thing as salvation. And none of us can really pull off the second one.
CAPRICORN
As a young man, Isaac Newton had already made enormous contributions to physics, mathematics, optics, and astronomy. He wrote in a letter to a friend, “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” He understood that his discoveries were only a next step in processes begun by curious minds throughout human history. And he knew there would be more to come. Lately I see a push to throw out a lot of what’s come before. Some of the giants from the past are newly ignored and those mice pushing forward take full credit at every opportunity. Thank your predecessors today, Capricorn. Look down from those shoulders and remember how you got up there.
AQUARIUS
The squeak from the bedroom door hinges was driving me crazy. Every time I came in or left it was like a howling from some ancient anguished lupine throat. A voice crying out to tell the world of all the small things I’ve been neglecting. This morning I finally dug that can of lubricating aerosol penetrant from under the sink and I sprayed those hinges into silence. But now, Aquarius, I kind of miss it. That sound told me there were small tasks I could yet accomplish. The silence gives no such encouragement. But we must tune our ears to the squeak of hinged-things, Aquarius. And we must stay ready to spray when the next door opens.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered stablemaster, or a certified frisbee technician. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
