Parking in my neighborhood has gotten crazy since the house at the end of the block turned into a very popular hardware store with a spaghetti buffet in the back. How is it even zoned for that? Used to be, I could get a space right in front of my complex, but now the lot is always full. It wouldn’t be a problem but there are “No Parking” signs all up and down the street and I have a phobia of being towed. Anyway, Pisces, that’s why I can’t meet you for coffee. I got a good space yesterday and I don’t want to lose it. Ok, I know, it’s a terrible excuse. Because we all need more face-to-face time to connect without an agenda. But if you can come my way I know a good spot for spaghetti and hammers.
ARIES
This time of year, when the winter is falling back and spring is trying to break through, I think a lot about death. Just your basic breeze calls out the impermanence of every living thing. There’s a pull toward the green that wants to burst from these trees and at the same time there’s something on the wind that says “remember.” Is that just me or have you been feeling it too? Anyway, Aries, don’t try and chase it away. It’s telling us something true. Before the leap forward into blossoms and bugs, sit with the absence and see what it says.
TAURUS
This coffee shop was packed when I got here, Taurus. I had to slide into this bench that put me right between two people who were both working away on their projects at the community table. I set down my coffee and my muffin and my onion frittata and my birth-charting book and star-maps. I wedged my laptop in between and consulted The Stars on your behalf, Taurus, and the funniest thing happened. The people on either side of me started packing up their things. At first I took offense. Did I do something wrong? The seat was open. But as they walked away I looked around at all the open space in front of me, all I could find was gratitude. Take up the space you need, Taurus. You’re allowed to be here.
GEMINI
Yes, Gemini, you got me. It’s true that whenever I get a free moment I look at my phone. And I scroll past all kinds of ads that want to break me of my “phone addiction.” And I understand why that might be a helpful framework for this situation. Phone equals bad. Too much phone equals worse. But what parts of all this are actually working for me? I learn about the world. I think less about my problems. I remember people I used to know. I get angry at injustice. And then I look up and come back to my life. That’s the tricky part, Gemini. Coming back. And that’s the thing we can practice. Staying with an uncomfortable feeling or a difficult task. That’s something we can do. And then, after that, I’ll show you this hilarious clip of a kid discovering hot sauce.
CANCER
I was already running late to work this morning and then I realized there was a good bit of frost on my windshield. But with no time to scrape, I couldn’t be bothered. So with only a tiny patch of visibility just above my dashboard, I hit the open road! Well, for about 45 seconds, anyway. Then I hit the hedge at the end of my block. At that point I decided I could make the time and do the necessary window scraping (and pull the extra twigs off the hood of my car.) Sometimes it pays to put in the extra work up front, Cancer.
LEO
Yes, Leo, I bought this sushi at the gas station. And, yes, I’m eating it in my car. But that doesn’t mean I’m not having a delightful and nourishing culinary experience. As a matter of fact, Leo, I challenge you to find a better meal available on this block! You’re allowed to have moments like these too, Leo. You deserve to de-shame the basic activities of your day. Turn up the classic rock on the radio and spread a little more wasabi on that spicy tuna roll. If you won’t enjoy this moment, who will?
VIRGO
After this horoscope, Virgo, please stay on the line and help us improve our service by taking a brief survey. Hello, Virgo, the outlook for this week includes sunshine and rain. Positive feelings as well as negative ones. Comfort accompanied by varying degrees of discomfort. Thank you for reading. If you found this helpful, press (1) on your touchtone phone now. If you found it dismissive or demeaning, press (2). To speak to someone with more insight into your circumstances, check your “recent calls” tab and press the name of the person you like the best. Your feedback is important to us.
LIBRA
There was a line at the coffee pot at work, so I made tea instead. Maybe I’m a tea-guy now? I guess there’s worse things to be. In fact, just this morning I watched a bunch of news videos about people who decided to be way worse things than tea-guys. But I don’t actually know any of those guys personally, I just like to get angry early in the day. It helps with blood-flow, I think? Anyway, Libra, whatever you’re doing to get going in the morning, I know you’re doing your best. Keep it up. And go easy on yourself. There’s way worse things to be.
SCORPIO
There are only two kinds of people in this world, Scorpio, and I’m about to tell you what they are. Nah, I’m just kidding. There’s a bunch more than two. I actually lost count. Partly because every time you think you find a “kind of person” and then you watch them for a little bit longer and pay a little more attention, you start to realize that’s not a kind of person at all, it’s…just a person. And we’re all the same. And we’re all different. So we might need to stop trying to divide each other into kinds at all. What kind of person are you when it comes to this kind of thing, Scorpio? No, wait, let me guess.
SAGITTARIUS
Someday, the last Toyota will roll off the line. It seems like these brands will last forever, but they all have an endpoint. Someday, the last McDonald’s sign will come down off its post. Will it be removed by a construction crew, or outlast humanity? Either way, it won’t stand forever. Someday, the last Coca-Cola logo will disappear. Perhaps it will last 100,000 years. Perhaps a million. Maybe the words will be readable up until the moment the sun expands into its red-giant phase and engulfs the earth completely, but then, at least, it will be silenced. If nothing lasts, Sagittarius, then it must be a good day to help somebody who needs it. What else were you gonna do?
CAPRICORN
In the open, arid parts of the American southwest where I grew up, there’s a little invasive weed called puncturevine. Also known as, 3-corner-jack, bull’s head, devil’s eyelashes, or tackweed; we always just called them goatheads. You might walk out to the mailbox and come back with 20 of those dried 3-pronged-thorns stuck to your shoes and pantlegs. That’s if you’re lucky enough to keep them out of your feet. I’ve shed many-a-tear as goatheads were pulled from my heel, palm, or freshly-flattened bicycle tire. I thought that must be what it was like everywhere. But then I found out some places have grass soft as silk. You can walk barefoot without a worry. Still, it’s hard to trust. You’ve been stuck plenty, Capricorn, but those stickers may not be around anymore. Put a toe out and see.
AQUARIUS
I like that thing where a regular February has 28 days and 28 is divisible by 7 and so March is basically a mirror of the month before. What I mean is that If February 11th was a Wednesday then March 11th gets to be a Wednesday too. It makes me feel like I know more about what’s going to happen next. Like last month was just practice for this one. It’s a good reminder, Aquarius, that all of this has happened before. One thing that’s different this time is that you’re here. And you’ve been training for this. You’ve done plenty of Februaries and March has no idea how prepared you’re going to be.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained herbologist, or a certified tea-guy. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
