Hoboscopes: December 6, 2023

SAGITTARIUS

What’s that smell, Sagittarius? It’s so nostalgic and seasonal. Like maybe some kind of… chestnuts? But they’re roasting on… I wanna say… an open fire? Yeah, that’s what it is, Sagittarius. I’m pretty sure the holidays are all the way here. Don’t worry if you don’t feel it yet. Just take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth and lean into the moment exactly as it is. If you don’t feel the way you wish you did just feel the way you feel.

CAPRICORN

If you’re looking for the ultimate Capricorn Holiday Gift Guide, you’ve come to the right place! Every Capricorn just needs four things this holiday season! First, a festive novelty mug! They’ll love it! Second, a warm pair of seasonal socks! So cozy! Third, a full and deep understanding that their worth comes from their inherent humanity, not from any of their accomplishments, knowledge or perceived relative attractiveness. They are complete just as they are. Fourth, get that Capricorn some artisanal chocolate truffles! Now they’ve really got it all! (Don’t skimp on the third one.)

AQUARIUS

Remember that night your brother picked us up from the last football game of the season and we got in the car all bundled up and he was playing the NSYNC Christmas album super loud and we were in the backseat and the heat was turned up to full blast. About 10 minutes down the road I got all freaked out because I was suddenly way too hot and I couldn’t get my coat off, but when I tried to get you to help I realized you were already asleep. Anyway, Aquarius, I hope you get some rest like that this week. I hope you find a place where you’re so comfortable and taken care of and warm that none of the rest of all this matters.

PISCES

Alright, Pisces, let’s do this. All the Ghosts that visit Ebeneezer Scrooge – Ranked! At number four, I’m gonna have to say The Ghost of Christmas Present. He basically just makes you invisible while you go around town. (Good jump-scare from those creepy kids in his robe, though.) At number three, I put The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. Scary, sure. And he does leave Scrooge a transformed sobbing wreck, but he’s got zero dialogue. Coming in at number two, it’s The Ghost Of Christmas Past. Just the classic Christmas ghost by any measure. And at number one, it’s gotta be Jake Marley! The undead Christmas greatest! Anyway, Pisces, this is a great week to remember that not everything should be a competition.

ARIES

There’s a little Christmas Elf sitting on my mantle. I’m not sure when he showed up or how he got there. But I have an intense feeling that he’s judging me. Everything I do I feel like it’s not quite right. Like when I clink the spoon in my cereal bowl too loud or forget to scoot the chair back in at the table. Honestly, Aries, I felt this way before the elf showed up. Like everything I do is not as good as it should be. Do you know what I mean? It’s hard to feel like you’re getting it right. I think that’s because “getting it right” is a totally made up thing. You’re here. You’re alive. You’ve made it this far. I think everything you do is worth celebrating. Forget that weird little elf.

TAURUS

Did you sign up for the office secret santa yet, Taurus? Last year I signed up too late and I ended up having to get a gift for myself. It wasn’t so bad, I guess. I do like gummy worms. It makes me think, Taurus, maybe we should skip the drawing altogether this year and just get ourselves the thing we want. Something that makes you feel a little more taken care of. Something that makes you feel warm and steady. But if you do sign up and if you get my name, I do like gummy worms.

GEMINI

And now we enter the season of the Apple Tree Man. In English folklore, the spirit of the Apple Tree Man lived inside the oldest tree in the orchard. Sometimes the Apple Tree Man gave true believers gold on Christmas Eve. Sometimes he persuaded stray cats to stay out of harm’s way. But we don’t talk about the Apple Tree Man much these days. He doesn’t have a stop-motion holiday special or a song. I wonder, Gemini, what will the myth of you be someday. What stories will stick and which ones will be lost to time? Live toward the ones you hope they tell in future orchards.

CANCER

Has anybody ever done a full retelling of It’s a Wonderful Life from Mary Bailey’s perspective? Probably so. Maybe in that version she is given one Christmas wish and after thinking it over, she decides that instead of being an overworked mother of four with an emotionally unstable husband, she’d like to be an independent woman who runs the town library and gets to read whatever she wants all day. But everytime a librarian gives up her dreams. And it’s back to a full house and Auld Lang Syne. Be the Mary Bailey you wish to see, Cancer. Keep that library open all night if you want.

LEO

Did you put peppermint in this hot chocolate, Leo? Oh, that’s really nice. It aerates my sinuses, warms my throat, and sweetens my tongue all at the same time. Could I have one more cup? Oh, and while you’re up don’t forget to free yourself from the burden of your past. Look into your memories and let go of the shame you’re holding onto. Turn your regret into positive action. Defeat your inner critic not by avoidance but by a robust and honest dialogue. And if you could put a little extra whipped cream on top that would be nice, too.

VIRGO

When I was old enough, my mother took me aside and said “do you want to know the truth about Santa Claus.” I knew she was sincerely asking and that if I said “yes” I could never go back. Still, I nodded. “At the top of the highest hill,” she told me, “lives a tired old fire-wizard who hates children…” You know the rest, Virgo. The sad and whistling snowman. The empty basket and the crow. The battle for Kar-Dux. All the holiday tales we grew up with. We still tell the old stories, Virgo, and it doesn’t matter if they’re historically accurate. We tell them because they’re true and it’s what we’re made out of.

LIBRA

I don’t usually buy a Christmas tree. But this year I thought it would be nice. So I picked up a respectable 4-footer outside the grocery store and brought it home. And as it stands there in the corner all bare and disapproving, I realize I have nothing to hang on it. No lights, no stars, no twinkly balls. I’ve just got this plain old tree soaking in a pan of water until it slowly dies in my living room. It reminds me of you, Libra. Not because of your shared fate or your similar lack of adornment, but because you’re just standing there waiting for somebody else to make things right for you. Unlike the tree, I think you’ve got a good shot of fixing it yourself.

SCORPIO

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen? That’s crazy! I went to high school with them. Where did you meet? Were you in their pottery class? That’s right! They used to talk about you all the time, Scorpio. I was actually supposed to be in that class too but I missed registration by a day. Isn’t it weird all the lives we could have had if we’d just made slightly different decisions? Isn’t it weird all the people we wouldn’t know if we hadn’t ended up in that room? Anyway, Scorpio, I think you’re just where you’re supposed to be. Tell Prancer I said “hey!”