Hoboscopes: December 20, 2023

CAPRICORN

As the sun sets early on one of the final afternoons of another year of your life, you may be thinking to yourself, “Was that really it? Was that the whole day? Was this the whole year?” And if that’s what you’re thinking, Capricorn, and if it all feels like it’s moving by too quickly and that the sun won’t stay up in the sky long enough, I want to let you know that you can slow this whole thing down. All you have to do is watch that sunset till it goes all the way below the horizon. Don’t rush ahead. Don’t skip to tomorrow. Be right where you are until you fully arrive.

AQUARIUS

The big storm blew down the dead tree in my neighbor’s front yard. It fell right into the back window of her parked car. I asked her about it and she seemed unfazed. Said she’s still waiting on the insurance people to call her back from when the last storm knocked a branch through her garage door. I get it, I guess. How can we start to recover from this hit when we still haven’t recovered from the last one or the one before? And they’ve been coming so fast, Aquarius. I see the burden you’re under and maybe you see mine. Let’s clear some of these branches and maybe build a fire. We can warm up and make a plan to heal.

PISCES

Maybe I went a little crazy with the tinsel, Pisces. I just didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to get it off the tops of the trees. And the azaleas. And the mailbox. And my front yard cactus pit. Why did I put so much in the cactus pit? Once I get going, it’s just hard to stop and now that it’s time to clean up I’m less enthused. So I get it, Pisces, you don’t feel like finishing up these last few strings from last year. It sounds tedious to tie up all these loose ends. But I think it’s going to be worthwhile, Pisces. Spend a little time on it today. One strand at a time. It’ll be a relief to have a clean slate to start from.

ARIES

Long, cold nights. Frantic mornings. Exhausted afternoons. It’s not the most restful pattern, Aries. Maybe try mixing things up this weekend. Instead of a frantic morning, take things slow. Make yourself something warm. Watch the crows out the window. By the afternoon you might want to go for a walk and call somebody who makes you laugh. Clean the kitchen if it sounds like a relief. When the sun goes down, eat a bowl of soup and put on a movie you already love. Have some hot chocolate. Go to sleep when you’re ready. Maybe you just started a new pattern.

TAURUS

What’s that one song where they list a bunch of things like cat-faces and pasta and wet-plants and then they’re all like “and that’s just some of my favorite stuff?” Does that sound familiar, Taurus? Well, anyway, I think you probably ought to do that today. Like, just write down 10 or 20 things that you really like. I think it might help. Because it’s tough out there and when the big stuff hits it can really help to remember that it’s not always so bad. I started my list with vegan corn-dogs and koi-ponds, and marching bands in pop-songs. What’s your first three?

GEMINI

When I was a kid it was all about getting everybody together in the same room to tell stories and laugh and eat. It’s not so easy these days. Because whenever I get in a room with people, it goes fine for a few minutes and then somebody coughs and I think “Should I even be here? What if I get sick? What if I get somebody else sick?” And then I just want to get outside and never see anybody again. Listen, Gemini, it’s not like when you were a kid. There are lots of reasons to stress this time of year. I just want to remind you that your reasons are valid and if you don’t want to be in a particular space, you don’t have to be there. There are lots of ways to connect with people. Do the ones that feel the best for you.

CANCER

Honestly, it was tougher than I expected this year, Cancer. Last January hit hard and then February hit harder. But now that feels like a long time ago. And so I go into next year a little less trusting. What if it all happens again? Well one thing that I know, is that as hard as it was we got through it. And as much as I flinch at this new year, I believe that we will get through it again. So what would be the harm in approaching a new year with hope instead of fear? Of course we can’t control what’s next, but we can try to trust that the passage of time can be a mercy and that the ones who got us through the past may yet be there in the future.

LEO

I didn’t know I could eat that much peppermint bark, Leo. I guess I’ve just never had the opportunity before. Where do they grow peppermint bark, anyway? Canada? It seems like it would be Canada. In any case, it must have been a bountiful harvest this year because that was an awfully big bucket. We often find out new things about ourselves this time of year, Leo, and they’re not always things we wish were true. I wish I’d had a little less peppermint bark, but I can’t change the facts. Take these learning opportunities and move forward, Leo. Next year, you might decide you can get by with less.

VIRGO

It felt like the past year was kind of a mixed bag. I learned some things. I did some things right. I made it through each day. But I did all of it with a hazy sense of failure. Why didn’t I do better? How can I escape the patterns that keep me from succeeding? When will I become the ideal version of myself? But I’ve got a plan for the next year for me and you, Virgo. We’re going to stop promising to do better. We’re going to stop assuming that self-improvement is the purpose of our lives. The purpose of our lives, I’m starting to believe, is to live them. Let’s try that this year, Virgo. We’ll check-in and next year and see how it went.

LIBRA

O Tannenbaum! O Tannenbaum! Was I supposed to water you? I swear I filled this bowl up when I brought the tree home, but it’s definitely dry as a bone today. And the needles are all breaking off and hitting the floor. Maybe I shouldn’t have set this up so close to the heater vent. Anyway, Libra, is there anything you’ve been neglecting this year? Anything you forgot to nurture? Good news–it’s about time to walk that thing out to the curb anyway. No need to regret what’s already dried-up. Maybe next year just get a plastic one and focus on nurturing yourself.

SCORPIO

Like the poet says, Scorpio, “I wish I had a river I could skate away on.” Maybe I never understood why she said that until this year. The idea that I could just head out on a frozen waterway and fly away from all of this, following whatever path the ice takes until I come to someplace where nobody knows me and I don’t care what they think or feel. Or maybe she just really likes ice skating. It’s hard to say, Scorpio. But if you feel like skating away from all this, give me a call. Or maybe somebody who knows you better. I think either one of us would tell you to stay. To wait out this feeling and this season. It may take a while, but things will thaw.

SAGITTARIUS

Remember that time we were at Ron’s Mini-Golf & Game Emporium and we’d used up all our tokens playing skee-ball and Gauntlet and we were about to call your mom to pick us up but then Ron came out of the office with another cup of 50 tokens and said “Somebody forgot to pick this one up today.” And he set it down between us on the air hockey table. I think it’s like that, Sagittarius. A new year. It looks like we get another shot at this. Not to get it right. Not even to win. But we get to keep playing the game.