So we brought the tree inside, Sagittarius. Somewhere around the 15th or 16th century we thought it would be a good idea to take the trees we’d previously been decorating in the town square, chop them down and bring them into our houses. I guess it’s all part of a privatization of ritual. We didn’t have to share the same tree with our neighbors anymore. Now we have one just for our own family. And it’s sweet and nostalgic. Nothing wrong with a tree in the house. But let it be a reminder this year that you’ve got something to share. That your neighbors near and far may have less than you. And that the first gift we used to give was our presence in the square.
CAPRICORN
Got home from work today and the strangest thing happened, Capricorn. Do you remember Jake who used to work mornings? I’d only see him when I was clocking-out from third shift. He was always super nice and would offer to rewind any videos I hadn’t gotten around to. Anyway, Jake’s ghost showed up at my house tonight. I was like “I thought you just moved to Florida.” and he was like, “No, bro, I died. Probably from working too much.” Anyway, he told me I’ll be visited by three ghosts so I’m gonna try to clean up around here. This reminds me, Capricorn, that you always need to be prepared for the unexpected, but especially this time of year.
AQUARIUS
I’ve been digging around in the hall closet for that one box of decorations but I can’t find it, Aquarius. Mostly I’m upset that I won’t have a stocking to hang. If you don’t have a stocking then you might not get an orange. And if you don’t get an orange then you might get scurvy. If you get scurvy you might lose teeth. And if you lose teeth you might wake up in the middle of the night face to face with a terrifying tooth fairy! I’ve got to find that box, Aquarius! But more than that, we may all need to quit guessing about what might go wrong next. It’s never what you expect. Just hang the socks you can and let the rest take care of itself.
PISCES
I love that scene in It’s a Wonderful Life where there’s a run on the Bailey Building and Loan and George gives the speech to the crowd about how the money they’ve invested is taking care of their neighbors. He asks them to take no more than they need today so there will be more for everybody tomorrow. And then he and Mary give away every dollar they have (well, all but two). Maybe that’s the message this season, Pisces. Share what you have. Take what you need. Give what you can. It’s worth a try.
ARIES
Well, that was weird, Aries. I just had a visit from The Ghost of Christmas Past. Cool lady. Just seemed a little worried about me, I guess. She showed me a Christmas when I was a kid and everything seemed magical and sparkly. And then she showed me when I was growing up and things got more complicated with my family. She seemed to think I might have unrealistic expectations for the magic of the season. That maybe everything was always complicated, I just used to know less. That maybe if I just give in to some chaos and discomfort, I might get a little bit of the magic back, too. Anyway, Aries, thought that might apply to some of what you’re looking at this week.
TAURUS
You know that story, Taurus, about the guy who steals Christmas? He sneaks into houses and pulls trees up chimneys and takes food off tables and presents out of boxes? Well, I know that guy, Taurus. And it’s not quite like they say. Yes, it’s true that his heart grew three sizes that day. But it wasn’t the cure for feeling bitter or jealous. When things got quiet again he got lonely. Because that’s what happens after a story, Taurus. Life keeps going. So I call him up every couple of weeks and check-in. Sometimes he does the same for me. We have to. Get close now, Taurus, and stay close later. It’s hard work but it’s worth it.
GEMINI
I grew up hearing about how poinsettias are a deadly poison. “Don’t eat it!” “Don’t touch it!” “Don’t look at it too long!” And yet we had them all over the house for a month. Every Christmas brought a minefield of intrusive thoughts. “What if I ate one?” Well, it turns out Gemini that it might not have been so bad. Digestive systems don’t like poinsettias but they’re hardly the deathtraps I heard about growing up. What are the fears that keep your mind occupied this month, Gemini? And how likely are they really? Maybe breathe a sight of relief every time you see a poinsettia this week. I think it’s going to be OK.
CANCER
This is wild, Cancer! I just had a full-on visit from The Ghost of Christmas Present. It was great, because usually this time of year I just stay in and watch documentaries. I always tell people I might go to their party. And I always say I may come out for the big singalong at the tree. But I never do it. That ghost took me to all the parties and events! Nobody could even see or hear me so it was way less awkward. I asked, but the ghost said he can’t do that for me every year. Uncomfortable social situations are kind of the price you pay for getting to celebrate and enjoy the season. He might have a point. Maybe next time we should both go, Cancer. If it’s too weird, we can at least make jokes by the fire.
LEO
I generally like Christmas music, Leo, but the insipid instrumental holiday cover leaking out of these crackly autoparts store speakers has me ready to walk out without the wiper blades I came in here for. Why does it have to be everywhere all of the time? People used to go hear live music performed in churches and concert halls. They’d sing songs at home around a piano. But it didn’t have to take up every inch of air in every aspect of life. I guess I’m just being a curmudgeon, Leo. Next month it’s back to the same boring autoparts funk-jazz. Maybe we can enjoy being where we are while we’re here. And I’ll get some washer-fluid too.
VIRGO
I never know what to get you for Christmas, Virgo. I never hear you talk about anything you want. I never see you get excited about things you don’t already have. And I guess that’s a good way to be, but could you maybe drop us a hint? Not that you need to go around asking for things. I guess I’m just saying that we’d like to know you better, friend. Tell me more about what you’re enjoying lately and even if I don’t get a gift idea out of it, we’ll at least understand each other more.
LIBRA
You’re not gonna believe this, Libra, but I just met The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come! At least, I think that’s who it was. He didn’t say a word. Just pointed at various scenes of future horrors and made terrible creaky noises. He showed me my grave and I said, “So wait, are you telling me that if I get in the holiday spirit now, I won’t die later?” That seemed to upset him. I think he was just trying to remind me that we’ve only got shot here. And that we all end at the same place. And that how we spend our holidays is how we spend our holy lives. I wanted to tell him that I get it and that I’ll spread the word. But he was already gone. Now I’ve got a lot to think about on my Uber home from the cemetery. Wait, Libra, what day is today? Did I miss it?
SCORPIO
One of the most profound lyrics in any seasonal song has got to be the one that goes “Fa-La-La-La-La La-La-La-La!” I mean, who can disagree with that, Scorpio? It’s just empirically true. Sometimes the words run out. Sometimes everything is full and sad and joyous and lonely and sparkly and scared and all you can really say about it is “Fa-La-La-La-La La-La-La-La!” If that’s how you’re feeling this week, Scorpio, give it a try. You don’t even have to sing the rest of the song, just the good part.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained poinsettia detoxifier, or a certified windshield wiper technician. Want more? Visit mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
