Hoboscopes: August 30, 2023

VIRGO

Sometimes I start to feel like I don’t matter to anybody but then I remember that mosquitoes absolutely love me. They can’t get enough. I’ll be sitting in a circle with four people and a dog and the mosquitoes are only on me. I’m covered in them. Maybe I just have better tasting blood than other people. Maybe that’s what my mom meant when she said I was unconventionally attractive. In any case, Virgo, I hope you remember that you matter too. If you haven’t found the ones who value you, keep looking.

LIBRA

Step right up, Libra! Throw a dart and win a prize! Pop one balloon and you can take your pick from the case. Pop three and you get anything on the top shelf except the Scooby Doo or the lamp. Take 5 darts for 10 tickets or 11 darts for 20! Hey! Come back, Libra! Aren’t you even gonna try? Ah. I get it. You’re saving your tickets for the rides. Smart kid. Experiences are a better investment in the future than keychains and plastic dinosaurs.

SCORPIO

My photo app made me a slideshow of the time we went to the butterfly preserve. The alert on my phone said “Check out this memory!” And it was just a bunch of pictures of you flailing your arms around every time a butterfly tried to land on you. It played “I Hope You Dance” while slides of you being escorted off the property for “aggressive movements toward butterflies” flashed across my screen. Sometimes the most precious memories aren’t the ones you expect, Scorpio. I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.

SAGITTARIUS

It pretty much goes the same for everybody. First you get born.Then you get older. This is exciting at the start. You get some height and some licenses and a graduation or two. Then it gets a little out of control. You get older than you thought you’d be when you still hadn’t done all the things you still haven’t done. Then you get older. You get older until you’re exactly as old as you are right now. And you think about when you got born. And you wonder if it all should have gone a different way. But now is always when you’re starting from, Sagittarius. You can’t take it back, but you can take it forward. Keep going. I’ll go too.

CAPRICORN

Hope can be a tricky thing, Capricorn. Some people think it’s dangerous. Because the bigger it gets and the more specific its objective, the more ways it can go wrong. If I hope for “peace” then I might learn to look for peace in any circumstance. But if I hope for “cool nunchucks” then I’m unlikely to be appeased by anything less. Maybe that’s why Emily Dickinson said that the thing with feathers sings a “wordless tune.” Keep hope in your heart, Capricorn. But if your hopes remain unmet, try going a little broader.

AQUARIUS

Sometimes I just stand and watch the slushy machines inside the gas station. There’s a red one, a blue one, a cola one and a clear one. And they’ve each got a plastic piece inside that goes around and around in rhythm. I guess it agitates the slushy stuff. Keeps it all mixed together and properly aerated. Honestly, I’m not really sure. But when the slushy comes out of the machine, it’s cold and spacious and fills up the jumbo straw with so much flavor and sensation. And I think of you, Aquarius, and the way that you feel agitated and mixed-up. But when you finally give us what you’ve got it’s a vibrant reflection of you. Don’t hold back.

PISCES

What kind of lonely are you, Pisces? Is it the regular mild kind where there’s just nobody around. Is it the medium spicy kind where there’s people around, but you don’t feel known? Or is it the habanero explosion kind where you’re surrounded by people who know and love you but there’s still something hollow and unmet deep inside? Whichever you’ve got today, Pisces, know that the burrito of vulnerability tastes best when you can share the specificity of your loneliness. If you don’t see anybody to share it with, tell it to the speaker at the drive-thru window.

ARIES

Why does fall always feel like a new beginning? It’s an ending for so many things in nature, but it feels like a beginning to me. Like we made it through the intensity. We got through the worst of the heat that the sun could throw at us and we’re still here. I mean, you certainly are, Aries. You got through all of that and more. So we get to start again. And maybe this time it will go just right.

TAURUS

They tell me I brush my teeth like a house painter and I floss like I’m jumping rope. In short, Taurus, I’m doing it all wrong. “Smaller, faster strokes!” they say. “Less slack in the line!” they demand. Don’t they understand I’m an artist? But this horoscope isn’t just about me and my dental hygienist, Taurus. Who’s been asking you to change lately? Maybe they’re wrong. Maybe you’re right. But at least give yourself a good long look in the mouth before you decide.

GEMINI

I heard they made a full-sized giraffe out of butter. I think it’s at the state fair. They used different shades so it’s got spots and they textured it with tiny butter-combs so it even looks like a real giraffe up close. People ask why they would do that but I just wonder why they didn’t do it sooner. You’ve got a gift, Gemini. I don’t know what it is, but if you get started now you could probably have something ready for next year’s state fair.

CANCER

Ok audience, give me a profession. Go ahead, just shout it out. Alright, I think somebody said “plumber?” Let’s go with that. Now we need an event. Alright I heard “birthday,” I heard “graduation,” I heard “wedding?” Yes! Let’s make it a plumber’s wedding and what’s the situation? Of course! The rings don’t fit. Alright, Cancer, act it out! I’m just kidding, Cancer, you don’t have to do anything the audience says. You don’t even have to stay on stage if you don’t want. Whatever people told you to be, they were just guessing.

LEO

I swear that crossing-guard has it out for me, Leo. They blow the whistle as soon as they see me! I’m not even in the zone yet, and I’m already down to 14 miles per hour! I crawl through here and they glare right into my eyes waving that little stop sign. And then they’re all smiley with the car in front of me! She was going way faster! Sometimes we forget, Leo, that this scene isn’t about us. It’s not even about the car in front of us. It’s about helping the people who need it the most. It’s no fun to feel singled-out but we might have forgotten about the kids in the crosswalk.