Thanks for checking in on your astrological fate, Virgo. Please stick around after the horoscope for a short survey to let The Stars know if all your needs are being met. Your readiness to receive advice is admirable, Virgo, and we’re working hard to connect you with our next available astrologer. While you wait, feel free to enjoy these other quality horoscopes for every sign in the zodiac besides your own.
LIBRA
There are a lot of voices out there, Libra, who want to tell you what’s important. They know exactly where you should look and for how long. They’ll tell you what to worry about next and what to leave behind. And it’s the easiest thing to listen to those voices because they’re loud and sure and they never stop talking. But for just a moment, Libra, I think you’d do well to tune in to your own voice. Listen until you can hear yourself clearly. And remember that that’s the only voice that knows what’s most important to you.
SCORPIO
Well, you said my name aloud three times and now here I am. What can I do for you, Scorpio? Was there something specific you wanted? You thought maybe I could create some mayhem in your life to shake things up? You wanted me to tell you to leave your monotony and follow your longing into a bold new life? I could tell you that, but then you’ll just blame me when it all becomes boring again. Instead I’l remind you that you’ve been at the same crossroads so many times. And maybe this time instead of agonizing over a path to choose, you can just go back home.
SAGITTARIUS
I’ve been watching too many spy movies lately, Sagittarius. One thing I get tired of is that there’s always a stolen computer and they have to guess the password of the bad guy so they can save the world or something. And the password ends up being, like, the birthday of the bad guy’s daughter or the city where he met his wife. My passwords are all like “B@n@n@Pudd1ng99” or “Alf4ev3r!” or other things that have nothing to do with my emotional life history. Anyway, Sagittarius, make sure the people in your life know that you love them. But don’t make them your passwords.
CAPRICORN
Go ahead, Capricorn, it’s your turn! Did you read all the instructions? I’ll help. First you roll the dice, multiply that number by 3 and then place your token on the space corresponding to that number. Now spin the spinner and that will let you know how many cards to draw. Don’t draw them yet! Just remember that number while you choose a champion from the champion-bowl in the center of the board. After that you, place one of your 8 rings in front of the competitor you’d like to challenge. Got it? Oh, sorry, the timer already went off so we have to skip you. Get ready for your next turn in the trivia round! And if you aren’t connecting with the games you’re being asked to play, Capricorn, you might be at the wrong party.
AQUARIUS
Before everybody had phones with cameras in them everybody just had to wheel around a full-sized photo booth on an appliance dolly. If you wanted to remember the fun you were having and the people you were with, you’d plug that thing into a wall socket, pile everybody in, feed the quarter-slot till the countdown started, and then make sure to smile for the camera. Lately, Aquarius, the moments you want to remember seem fewer and further between. And I get that, but I wonder if the convenience of connecting through a phone is keeping you from those unplanned moments of real connection. I’ll leave my photo-booth at home and you keep your phone in your pocket. Now lets do a silly one!
PISCES
Drip…drip…drip. My bathroom faucet’s been leaking, Pisces, just one little drop at a time. And I thought I’d call my landlord, but I didn’t want to clean the house so I just let it keep drip…drip…dripping. It’s such a small thing. Just one drop of water, then another, then another. And I guess my water bill is up, but not much. And when the air conditioning cuts off, it’s the only sound I can hear. Drip…drip…drip. Does that remind you of anything in your life, Pisces? The little thing that wouldn’t be hard to fix but that takes up so much space in the background of your mind? No? Well, then, do you have some time to come over and help me fix this drip…drip…drip?
ARIES
I like to sleep under a sheet, two blankets, a duvet, and a comforter. It gets warm under all that, so I need to keep the A/C running all night. But the A/C vent makes a rattling noise so I need to keep earbuds in. And as long as I’ve got the earbuds in, I might as well listen to my book. But whenever the narrator does the voice of the dryad princess, it’s very abrasive and it wakes me up with a start. And then it takes me at least 10 minutes to get back to sleep but then I’m exhausted when my alarm goes off. So that’s why I was late to work this morning, Aries. Which of your preferences is holding you back from the life you want? For me, I’m starting to think it’s the duvet.
TAURUS
I went to a local amateur astrologer’s meet-up at the library and they were giving out free stickers that say “The Stars Are Watching. Watch Back.” so I grabbed you one to put on your water bottle, Taurus. You’ve got a lot of stickers on there now, don’t you? Bands you like. Places you’ve been. Causes you fight for. Weird ones about bigfoot. They’re good conversation starters, and it’s nice to feel like your personality is out there for people to see. But don’t forget that they don’t make stickers for everything. You don’t have any that say “I get sad sometimes” or “I’m afraid I made all the wrong choices.” But those are still things you should say out loud if you want to be known. And don’t forget to stay hydrated.
GEMINI
When I was a kid we had a bunch of old family movies from my dad’s Super-8 camera. But nobody had a projector to play them on anymore so we paid a service to put them all on VHS. Then we threw-out the old Super-8 films. Problem solved! But now nobody in my family has a VCR to play VHS anymore. Memories are hard to control, Gemini. Sometimes you think you’ve got them filed away just right and then they pop back up in a different format. Sometimes you think you know what they mean and it turns out nobody else remembers it the same way. And we have to keep our memories. They follow us either way. But they don’t have to weigh so much, Gemini.
CANCER
A lot of people are encouraging you to pick the lesser-of-two-evils lately. That’s fine, Cancer. Of course you’ll make choices that you feel do the least harm possible. That’s not what I’m worried about. I’m worried that after you pick that lesser-evil, you’ll forget that there’s still good you can be doing. Actual good. The kind that you can feel good about in your heart. The kind that other people will feel good about when you’re all working together. Once you start doing good, you’ll see even more places you can do it. And you won’t be so tied-up in doing less-evil anymore.
LEO
T.S. Eliot once wrote, “And the end of all our exploring / Will be to arrive where we started / And know the place for the first time.” It’s gonna be a little like that this week, Leo. Keep an eye out.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained explorer, or a registered plumber. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1
