Is that milk still good, Virgo? Hmmm … looks like the expiration date is … well, this milk actually expires on your birthday! Really makes you think about how fast time is moving, doesn’t it? That a random carton of milk from the not-too-distant past only has a few more days of freshness and then … well, I guess none of us stay in our prime forever. Oh, but that’s not what I came here to say, Virgo. You’re nowhere near going sour. I just wanted to remind you that even though the days are moving in one direction, your story gets to keep spreading out every-which way, like the fresh milk I just spilled on your kitchen floor. No tears! I’ve got paper towels.
LIBRA
While you were waiting-out the heat of summer, Libra, huddled alone in your dark, air-conditioned living room, I studied the blade. Day in and day out I learned the way of swordmaster-astrologers from ages passed. I trained my senses, tuned them to a sharpness I had thought impossible. You watched another episode of Love Island and microwaved a frozen burrito. And now we’re here at the edge of autumn. You’re well-rested and refreshed. Ready to take on the end of the year. While I’m generally freaked-out by my finely-tuned senses and constantly on edge about being attacked by a greater swordsman. However you spent your summer, Libra, now is the time to strike!
SCORPIO
I hope I never run into one of those aliens from that movie about aliens. You know the one. It’s all damp and dark and deadly. It’s always dripping goo from the metal teeth of its multiple mouths. But if I do run into one of those I know for certain that I’ll only escape if I get really lucky. I guess we’ve both been pretty lucky so far, Scorpio. And it’s good to remember that there are some forces none of us stand a chance against. And when I see somebody else who’s been less lucky, I bet it’s not their fault either. Not any more than it would be my fault if I got got by that alien. So maybe we lucky ones can try to help out when we get the chance. Or if nothing else, stop taking credit for our own miraculous survival.
SAGITTARIUS
Ah shoot, I’m no good with names. It’s Sagittarius, right? Ah, I knew it. I should’ve just gone with my gut. Anyway, thanks for coming out to this horoscope. We’re five minutes past start-time and I don’t think anybody else is gonna show up for this one, so I guess we’ll just get started. Sometimes, Sagittarius, you have to push through the awkwardness and let go of expectations. Dare I say that moving alongside reality is better than trying to force things into the shape you were hoping for. Sure, use the power you’ve got to make the change you can, but don’t be so intent on an outcome that you forget to participate in the room you’re actually in. Now, unless you’ve got anything to add, we’ve got coffee and cookies at the back table.
CAPRICORN
Sometimes when I check the mail I imagine that somebody will send me an unexpected check for an enormous amount of money. And that the first thing I’ll do with my enormous amount of money is build a house that you and I and everybody who wants to can live in. If we run out of rooms, we’ll just build another one next door. I assume it will make everything so much easier now that we’re not paying rent and we can all just split kitchen-time and cleaning duties. But when I think about all the people who end up with enormous amounts of money, they never seem to do that kind of thing. So I have to assume getting a big mysterious check isn’t the way out. But the answer might still be somewhere in the community of it. Getting closer. Splitting the work. Where could you give that a try this week, Capricorn?
AQUARIUS
Have you thought about updating your logo, Aquarius? I mean, I get it. It’s simple and direct. Two wavy lines like waves on the water, right? But what if it had a little more going on? Like maybe a boat on top and a shark underneath? Yeah, this is good. How about a lighthouse in the distance and a seagull carrying something meaningful like an olive branch … or maybe a corndog? Too specific? I just want your branding to be as dynamic as possible. But you’re right, you’re right. It’s been working fine for a long time. And nobody was really complaining. Maybe we don’t fix what isn’t broken. But, last idea, hear me out: We just add the corndog. Right?
PISCES
When I was a kid and I had to write a paper for school I would spend all night in “the computer room.” I’d use up hours tapping-out whatever I could remember about the book I’d almost read and then I’d spend another bunch of hours trying to get the printer to work. Little did I know that those hours would be a drop of water in the sea of time I’d someday spend staring at screens and tapping-out ideas and messages and lists and six-digit-codes. Maybe it’s a good time to go back to the “computer room” model, Pisces. Try keeping all this digital limitlessness in one physical space for a few days. Or just try being more aware of what room you’re already in.
ARIES
There’s a fly at the barbecue, Aries. There are jalapeño potato chips and two kinds of rootbeer and perfectly-grilled veggie dogs, but mostly there’s a fly at the barbecue. There are people you love and people you like and people you’d like to know better and there is at least one fly at the barbecue. There’s a pool and a badminton-net and a speaker playing your favorite song but it’s still hard to ignore the fly at the barbecue, Aries. So I’m trusting you to accept all the things in this yard. The laughter and the mustard and the stray garden hose and, yes, even the fly at this barbecue.
TAURUS
I stopped to get gas and saw the strangest thing. Somebody put a sticker on the pump. It was a picture of you with an arrow pointing to the price and it said “Guess who paid this much for gas!?” I thought it was pretty rude so I took it down. But then I went to the drugstore and I saw another one. A picture of you next to the lip balm and an arrow that said “Guess who’s got dry lips!?” Well, this was just too much Taurus. So I took that one down and went to the manager but he was wearing a shirt with your picture on it under the words “Guess who forgot to do laundry!?” Anyway, Taurus, if all this seems unlikely, it’s because it isn’t true. Nobody is as worried about what you’re doing as you are. Guess who’s free to be themself unfettered by the judgment or expectations of others!
GEMINI
Let me be clear, Gemini, that when I talk of Michalangelo I’m referring to a pizza-eating, nunchuck-wielding, adolescent turtle. Not some fancy Italian renaissance dweeb who couldn’t best Shredder in a sculpting match, much less Krang as a ceiling painter. And when I dare disturb the universe with my thoughts on Donatello, I’m much more concerned with proper bō staff technique than with innovations in the friezes of great cathedrals. And should you then presume, Gemini, that the secret-juice oozing from this final peach of summer will be somehow transformative for us? I do not think it will. But it will have been worth it after all. To tell a tale of Raphael and be for once understood. To weep with Leonardo at the shore. Say what you mean, Gemini. Say it till it means what you meant.
CANCER
Have you heard about that guy who’s making perpetual stew? Like, he’s got a crockpot that he never turns off and he’ll just throw in some beans and potatoes and a chunk of meat and more water and then he scoops out as much as he wants and lets the rest keep cooking till the next time he’s hungry. Maybe if it never stops cooking it never grows bacteria so he can just put more in and take more out and keep eating it forever? I can’t recommend this as a safe way to stay fed, Cancer, but I have noticed you doing something similar. You’re always adding in responsibilities and expectations and scooping out progress and guilt, but I never see you take a break. I know you’re worried the whole pot will go bad, but I think this could be a good time to empty it out and give the bowl a scrub before you decide what you’re cooking next.
LEO
I saw a butterfly today and thought of you, Leo. It was one of those big orange-and-black ones that they’re always putting behind inspirational quotes on calendars and keychains. I’m not sure why you came to mind. I mean, obviously, you’ve transformed an enormous amount since you started munching on leaves last spring. And I know you’re relieved to be out of that chrysalis where you disappeared for a while, but there’s something else, Leo. What was it? Ah, right. It’s the lightness. I don’t know if that butterfly has a destination in mind, but I feel like it’s having a great time getting there. Flower to flower. Breeze to breeze. You’ve got that too, Leo. Even if you can’t feel it much today.
Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained Lepidopterologist, or an authorized crock-pot technician. Listen to the Mr. Mysterio podcast at mrmysterio.com Or just give him a call at 707-VHS-TAN1.
