Hoboscopes: April 10, 2024

TAURUS

Sure, Taurus, I guess you could describe me as an avid-outdoorsman. I do love the outdoors, afterall. I mean, I’ve certainly been to the outdoors. Or, I’m at least very aware that there are places on the other side of these doors that one could describe as “out.” OK, given the choice, I’m more likely to stay in. When I look out the window, though, I see you out there. Stomping around. Solving problems. Mastering nature and whatnot. This is just a friendly reminder from a well-meaning homebody that not all your problems are out there in the world. Sometimes it’s an inside job.

GEMINI

The ancient Greeks believed that creatures who could shed their skin could go on living forever. When the goddess Eos fell in love with the mortal Tithonus, she begged Zeus to grant him eternal life so that they could be together. Zeus, who never much wanted anybody to be happy, agreed. He turned Tithonus into a Cicada. Ever-living, ever-shedding, ever-being reborn. The Greeks said that’s why cicadas make so much racket. They’re still mad at Zeus. If you’ve still got resentments you haven’t voiced, Gemini, yell them in the yard in the morning. I hear it helps.

CANCER

I heard they’re making a biopic about the guy from all those cell phone commercials. You know, he’s got the hard-hat and he walks around on his phone saying “Who even IS this?” and at the end he looks at the camera and they show the logo of the cell-carrier and he winks. Anyway, Cancer, they’re making a movie about him starring, I think, Bradley Cooper? My point is that whatever you’re excited about this week, stay excited. Because whatever you’re excited about this week, it’s probably more important than the biopic they’re making about the cell phone commercial guy. Who even IS he?

LEO

I used to post every picture I took on social media. I wanted everybody to know about the cool places I go. I wanted everybody to notice the unique way that I see the world. But then somebody would misunderstand or my post wouldn’t get enough likes. So I just started texting pictures to my friends. Which was great, but it still left a gap between us and made me feel distant. So I started taking pictures just for me. But then when I would flip through them, I’d feel lonely. So I stopped taking pictures at all, Leo, and started spending more time with the people I care about. Sometimes I miss the likes, but I’m getting more loves.

VIRGO

Wait, so what is frozen custard, anyway? It’s just ice cream, right? Just, like, thicker, or something? Anyway, Virgo, sometimes changing the way you talk about yourself changes the way you interact with the world. Like, my old business cards said “Cashier & Stocker” but I just updated them to say “VHS & Tanning Specialist” and people are already responding better to me at work. One customer even brought me some frozen custard and it’s delicious. What I’m saying, Virgo, is you can literally call yourself anything you want. Tell us who you want to be.

LIBRA

Every app I use lately seems to want a lot of encouragement. “Take some time to rate us!” “Could you share your feedback?” “Please tell us how we did!” Sure, Libra, I’ll get in there to leave a 5-star for a real human delivery driver, but these apps have got to figure out how to generate their own self-worth without begging for endless feedback. Once you start relying on positive reviews to give you a sense of value, it’s a bottomless pit. While I’ve got you, Libra, please rate me on amateurastrologerfinder.net. I hate to ask, but it’s the main way I get connected to more Libras like you.

SCORPIO

You might still get a reply to the fan letter you wrote to Mark-Paul Gosselaar in 1992. (Nothing in the stars about this, Scorpio, I’m just pointing out that it’s possible.) And he might tell you that your letter meant a lot to him at a very confusing time in his life. (I mean, he might.) And he might say that he always wanted to meet you but was afraid to ask. (I guess this actually could happen, Scorpio.) And he might invite you to visit him on the set of another new Saved By The Bell reboot and stay in his Malibu mansion. But if he doesn’t, Scorpio, and if none of this happens, I want you to know that the things you say and do — they really matter to the people you say and do them to.

SAGITTARIUS

What were you doing 13 years ago, Sagittarius? I was sweeping cicada shells off the porch at the Wandering Hills Super-Video and Tan. I spent that whole summer worried about not having enough money and afraid I was getting too old and that nobody understood me. And here I am, 13 years later. Still worried about money. Still afraid for my health. Still lonelier than I wish. And, surprisingly, still sweeping the porch at Wandering Hills. So where did all that worry get me, Sagittarius? Well, it sure was distracting. Maybe this week look up from whatever you’re sweeping and see what else and who else is around.

CAPRICORN

Stubbing your toe on a coffee table, now that’s respectable. But I somehow stubbed my toe on the textured print in the linoleum on the kitchen floor. It’s basically flat. And I’m wearing hiking boots. I can’t believe I’m even telling you this, Capricorn. Mostly I just want you to understand that you don’t have to make excuses for the ways you’ve been hurt. The wounds are real, that’s all that matters. And healing just takes time. Could you hand me the remote? I should probably keep this elevated.

AQUARIUS

I bought a bunch of seeds back in February, but I still haven’t gotten any of them into the ground. I’ve just been super busy running around all day catching up on everything that I’m behind-on and avoiding the things that would be on-time if I did them today. So those seed packets just sit by the backdoor doing nothing. But I’ve got the day off tomorrow, Aquarius. Do you want to come over and maybe help me get something in the ground? It’s a good day to help each other with the first step. Even seeds need a little help getting started.

ARIES

I’ve been trying to practice truly wishing people well. Like, I start with somebody I care about, like my dentist, and I picture them in my mind and say the words “I wish you well.” Then I think about somebody neutral, who I don’t have very strong feelings about, like my dental hygienist, and I picture them and say “I wish you well.” Then I think about somebody I have a difficult time with, like the receptionist at my dentist’s office, and I say…wait, I’m sorry, Aries, this exercise is harder than I expected. But give it a try. I wish you well.