Hoboscopes: April 10, 2024

ARIES

When I was a kid my dog, Hecuba, had surgery for bladder stones. When she got home she had on one of those big plastic collars that came up around her whole head to keep her from chewing at the stitches. For two weeks I could hear that collar scraping along the walls and bumping into the furniture everywhere she went. She never really got used to it, but she did heal. Within a month she was collar-free and back to chasing rabbits around the backyard. I think I heard you scraping down the hall earlier, Aries, and I know you’d rather do anything than take the time to heal. But don’t take the collar off yet. You’ll thank me when you’re back in the yard.

TAURUS

Webster’s defines a burrito as “a flour tortilla rolled or folded around a filling.” As usual, I have some problems with this definition. If I were to fold a flour tortilla around, say, a filling of packing peanuts and allen wrenches, is that more burrito-ly than, for instance, this cornbread pancake wrapped around eggs and potatoes? What I’m trying to say here, Taurus, is that if you’re having trouble making your life fit the definition of success, you might want to adjust your definition before you make too many extreme changes to your life. While you think it over, have a bite of this burrito. It’s delicious.

GEMINI

There’s a new cat in my neighborhood that’s small and black with white feet. I don’t think she belongs to anybody and she’s getting more curious about the potted plant by my front door. I’ve caught her rubbing up against it a few times now, but she always runs away when I say “hello.” Just like with cats, Gemini, people take a while to build trust. You’re doing a great job of starting slow and keeping your distance. Don’t worry if it’s taking longer than you thought. Not every day will feel like progress, but things are shifting in the right direction.

CANCER

I’m so glad we made it through that storm, Cancer. All that thunder and wind! I was getting pretty nervous. But now we can relax and step forward confidently into…ugh…it’s another storm. Sometimes they just keep coming, Cancer. This season won’t last forever, but as long as we’re here try to remember that you aren’t in this alone. When the windows rattle and the roof drips, give us a call. Even if it’s the third, fourth, or 29th storm in a row. You aren’t in this on your own.

LEO

What’s your pump-up song of the spring, Leo? Mine’s “Dance’em If You Got’em” by Viggo & Vickie. Everytime I put it on I feel absolutely invincible, like I could run through a brick wall or something. I like to put it on when I have something really mundane to do like change the battery in my smoke alarm. But after that I usually have to do another tedious task like sorting the mail folder. It’s hard to stay pumped-up when there are so many boring things that just have to get done, Leo. Maybe make this your last unexciting task of the day. Maybe after this, just dance’em till you don’t got’em anymore.

VIRGO

I got my tax refund, Virgo! Now I can afford to take you out for a milkshake (if you’re all right to split one) and then you can drop me off at work so I can get back to saving up for another milkshake. This endless cycle of work, debt, indulgence, and want is feeling a little more endless than usual, Virgo. I haven’t figured a way out just yet, but I feel better about it when I can do something for you and I feel a little more human when you turn around and do something for me. Not a trade, just mutual support. I think that’s the only way through.

LIBRA

If I could write your story in a book, Libra, I’d start with your great, great, great grandparents. You probably don’t know much about them, but they would have liked you. Sometimes they would laugh and sometimes they would worry. Sometimes it seemed like nothing would be ok and sometimes it felt like things were really coming together. They did their best. In the book I’d write, you would start to notice how similar they are to you. But the difference would be that their dreams and worries are all finished-up. Yours feel much bigger because they’re still in progress. You’re just one point in a long line, Libra. And you’re doing your best.

SCORPIO

How nice, Scorpio, there’s a little mushroom in the grass that wasn’t there yesterday! Oh, look, there’s another one! And two more over there. Wow, there’s a lot of these. Wait a sec, do all these mushrooms spell something out? Back up, Scorpio, I think it says…yeah it says “We’re Still Hungry.” Well, that’s ominous. But it reminds me, Scorpio, that expressing how you feel is the only way to let others know what you need. Think about that while I get the mower.

SAGITTARIUS

Every 13 years, the southeastern United States is flooded by the cicadas of brood XIX. Over a few short weeks they molt, scream their song, mate, lay eggs and die, not to be seen again for more than a decade. At least, that’s the story us top-dwellers tell. Cicada nymphs, on the other hand, have a very different experience. They spend 13 years underground tunneling and chewing on roots. I like to imagine they have a very satisfying existence. You’re awfully focused on the end results, Sagittarius. Maybe this week, just enjoy being an underground unmolted nymph. This might be the best part.

CAPRICORN

It’s OK, Capricorn, you don’t even have to read this one. I mean, you can if you want to, but I know there are so many texts and emails and messages you have to read every day and now here’s one more message to add to that long list. So I just want to make sure that you know you can stop any time. And if you got this far I’d like to emphasize that there’s no expectation that you reply. Come to think of it, Capricorn, maybe you don’t have to read and reply to all those other ones either. Maybe we could all do less of that. Maybe you could put this down and count the wrinkles in your knuckles till you get bored. See how it goes.

AQUARIUS

Sometimes when I’m driving and feeling anxious, I turn off the radio and I just have a little conversation with myself right there in the car. “What are you feeling anxious about?” I might ask. “Well, I’m late to work and I forgot my lunch again,” I might reply. “What can you do about that right now?” I’ll wisely continue. “Could I run stop signs and speed?” I wonder, testing my inquisitor. “No. Don’t do that.” I snap back. “I guess I can’t really do anything about it right now. I can either drive and worry or just drive.” Sometimes it helps me to say what I’m feeling out loud even if nobody else can hear. You can try it too, Aquarius, even if you don’t have a car.

PISCES

Recent surveys indicate that Americans are unhappier than ever. We don’t like our jobs, we’re afraid of the future, we don’t have friends and we’re disconnected from our families. But most of all, Pisces, we’re fed up with being surveyed about our precise current level of happiness. If not for this stack of unfinished surveys, we’d reconnect with old friends. We’d find creative, fulfilling hobbies. We’d master our fear, balance work with life and form stronger families. But these surveys aren’t going to answer themselves, Pisces. Or, wait, hear me out. What if instead of measuring this current moment, we did one single thing to make it better. How does that idea make you feel on a scale of 1 to 5?.