Hoboscopes: October 11, 2023

LIBRA

The other day a UPS driver told me I have the best Halloween decorations! I was flattered, so I didn’t explain that I don’t have any Halloween decorations. I just like to keep the spiderwebs on the porch. Of course, the spiders only hang out there because my porch light attracts so many little flying bugs that get caught in their webs. So I just let them do what they do. Sometimes, Libra, letting well enough alone is a fine strategy. But other times you need to take some action. Maybe I’ll dust the webs off the door after the first freeze.

SCORPIO

Deadly dolls! Nefarious nuns! Killer clowns! The quickest way to make a horror villain is to take something that’s supposed to be kind and harmless and give it an edge. Let’s try a few, Scorpio. Creepy capybaras! Demented daisies! Murderous manatees! Are these working? In any case, Scorpio, I just want you to remember that you can make a monster out of almost anything. What’s even scarier is to try to find the ways you may be responsible for your own outcomes. Boo!

SAGITTARIUS

I’m sorry I didn’t say anything when I saw you at the post office, Sagittarius. It’s hard to talk with these plastic vampire teeth in my mouth, and sometimes if I smile too big I drool a little bit. But I made a commitment to myself that I would wear this set of Dracula chompers all month long and I’m not going to break that over pleasantries. If I can manage this, Sagittarius, then I think you can probably stand to keep doing that uncomfortable thing that you know will make your month better. Hopefully your burden is easier to eat with.

CAPRICORN

I couldn’t see much through the fog this morning, Capricorn. I stepped off my porch and headed for my car but I just kept not finding it. When I turned around, the porch was gone. Just fog in every direction. Lucky for me, that’s right when you called so I just followed that Vanilla Ice ringtone back to my front door (luckily I’d left my phone on the porch chair). Sometimes it’s hard to see which way to go, Capricorn. It may be a good time to stop, collaborate and listen.

AQUARIUS

There are a lot more exorcist movies than there used to be. There’s all the brand-name Exorcist ones and then a whole slough of generics. In general, they all work the same way: somebody is possessed by an otherworldly force and somebody else wants to get them un-possessed. I think I understand why we keep telling this story. If there’s somebody you love who is full of the wrong ideas, Aquarius, it’s natural that you’d want to get the bad ideas out and put your good ones in. But it doesn’t often happen by yelling the right words at the right time. It usually just happens by being present, interested, available and caring.

PISCES

My neighbor got one of those decorative 12-foot-tall skeletons and I think it’s absolutely fantastic. An enormous seasonal reminder that the things we’re most afraid of are precisely the things that are already inside of us is just what this neighborhood needed. But remember, Pisces, that as our fears of mortality and the unknown become bigger, it gets harder to see them as a part of us. Enjoy the giant skeletons this month, but keep your own fears person-sized. They’re more manageable when we remember that everybody has them.

ARIES

Think about the jack-o-lantern cookies at the grocery store. The ones in the bakery section where the cookie is a little too soft and crumbly and the frosting is a little too thick and orange. If you imagine biting into one you can taste a little bit of the bitter of food-coloring at the back of your tongue. But if you stay with the sensation, you’ll also remember the sweet. If you’re stuck in a memory about a time that you found bitter, Aries, chew it over just a little longer. What was the sweetest thing about then? Almost everything has both.

TAURUS

This house is for-sure haunted, Taurus! The floorboards creak when nobody is around. The eyes of the paintings follow as you pass. The windows open by themselves while a howling wind blows the curtains all around the bed. I’ve seen it before and this is the real deal. But this time, Taurus, I don’t think it’s your job to get the ghosts out. I think all you have to do is walk out the front door. That’s somebody else’s house to clean.

GEMINI

Imagine you wake up trapped in a box! No, wait, that’s too scary. Imagine you wake up next to a box. Just a regular cardboard shipping box. It’s got your name and address on the top. And you know that inside the box is the thing you need to fix all your problems. You peel up the tape (Unless you want to imagine a box cutter, but those are pretty sharp.) and you pull back the flap and you see the thing you need. What is that thing, Gemini? And what can the people who love you do to help you get it? Have you asked?

CANCER

I saw something in the woods last night, Cancer. At first I thought it was a deer. Then I thought it was that guy who refills the hand-sanitizer stations at the park. Then I could tell it was neither, but it was coming toward me. As it got closer it got faster, but I still couldn’t tell what it was and then POOF! It was gone. It seems to me, Cancer, that sometimes the things we think are heading our way turn out to be nothing at all. Maybe we should worry less about what’s coming and more about getting someplace with better lighting.

LEO

All work and no play makes Leo a dull sign. All work and no play makes Leo a dull sign. All work and…oh, sorry, Leo. I didn’t hear you come in. I’ve just been down here writing horoscopes. Lots and lots of horoscopes. Anyway, I had something I wanted to tell you but I can’t remember. Oh that’s right! I was just thinking that you should relax. Stop pushing yourself so hard. Maybe get away. I’ve heard there’s an old hotel that needs a caretaker for the winter. Maybe check that out–or if you can think of literally any other way to give yourself a break, maybe do that.

VIRGO

Depictions of ghosts from the 1300s are a little more like zombies. Corpses walking around in their burial shrouds, walking from their graves to haunt the living. Over time the image got simpler, just a disembodied cloth shroud on the loose. And then our culture forgot what burial shrouds were so now a ghost can be represented by a white sheet with some eye-holes. Sometimes, Virgo, we can’t even remember why we said those things we said. Sometimes the meaning gets lost over time like the limbs and faces of ghosts. That’s a good time to start over and say it fresh.